Strange feelings with CF and misunderstandings. Failures

Im feeling very odd today.

With my health being down and reading various articles on cf and blogs etc etc I am feeling slightly sad in my current situation.

Sad because really its my fault I ended like I am and as ill as I am

But

Feeling strange because is it actually my fault??

I been sat for a few hours thinking about future plans and of course that has mainly involved planning getting fit and being a better me.

I have also thought about why my health went down hill so quick and why I have suffered quite a lot of ill fortune (excuse the phrase) with my health over the past 10-12 months and why despite putting in no less effort than normal im just not recovering aswell and as quick as I used to??!!

I am no doctor and so cannot medically figure it out but it hasnt stopped me trying to explain it.

Im looking for reason to justify why or why not really. I blame myself but feeling down im looking for logic for reasons why it cant be my fault!!

Strange how you feel when you want to be a success but first you need to figure out why failure is happening and what to do to find out why learn from the bad and use that to progress to good.

Im racking my brains and most likely will do for a while to see why? How? But? Time to?

Failure is a hard word for me to swallow its also easy to occur.

Success is easy to spell but harder to complete.

Im not going to say no to getting better obviously

But success will not occur until failure is understood

Why must occur for before how and plan can be introduced.

I have a strong group of people around me involved in me but no amount of smiles or okays stops one feeling down, one questioning life and their own actions.

Many successful people say "Ive had succeeded more in failure than in success. But failure was my path to greater successes"

I certainly have failed more than ive succeeded and will no doubt continue this path.

What im doing now is disecting my failures to find the reasons, the hows to success.

If one cannot accept their own failures how will they cope in success.

I certainly dont want to be ignorant. Im open but only because ive had to be to understand my wrongs my undoings and my lack of understanding.

When I climb to the top and raise my arms my first thought will be remembering how I fell to the bottom previously but the bruises, the scars, will tell me not to make the same mistake twice

Pain is a great showing of failure of my misunderstandings. When that pains gone I wont forget how it started. Past is a great reminder of why we use the past for the present and why we do not wish to revisit that past but move towards the future.


Strange isnt when you try to work yourself out