What doing the triathlon felt like

So its been a month since I did the Triathlon and I’ve ticked another challenge off.

I completed the Hever Castle Olympic Distance Triathlon. 

To be exact I swam 1.5km in a lake, I rode 40km and then I ran well tried to run 10.5km to the finish.

Granted I wasn’t very fast but regardless of time I got it done.

How many people can say they’ve done that? Or come to think of it how many people have done any of the challenges ive done over the past few years. LondonSurrey100, KM Big Bike ride, London to Brighton Ride, Sprint triathlon and now the Olympic distance Triathlon.

Nearly 3 years of hard work and sacrifice and many hours and miles of training to get to where I am today.

So How did Sunday feel and how did it go I hear you all ask (all two of you that read this)

Well I stayed up at Hever castle the Saturday night and got there early so I could have a look around find out what things are all about and watch some of the other races. I watch a couple of the junior races and it was very inspiring to watch seeing those youngsters jumping into the water with no fear and riding and running with a smile (I wish I could have smiled like that during my triathlon NOT A CHANCE haha)

After watching a few races and having a look around to get my bearings about what was where and where I needed to go I was getting very nervous about doing this whole Triathlon Thing so we went to the pub for some dinner and I had to have a small glass of wine to settle my nerves but it didn’t work.

The whole time sat in that pub and the restaurant I just kept thinking “I haven’t trained enough, am I really doing this? Im going to fail, I cant do this, NO NO I can do this it wont be that bad 9 months of training and 6 months of swim training you have done the work now get your head in the race”

Do you think me talking to myself helped? Nope ended up looking like a zombie for hours all the way through dinner just blank, couldn’t think, then couldn’t stop overthinking oh im a nightmare for that.

I was totally convinced that multiple things were going to go wrong, the first was that my shoulder that has been playing up for nearly a year was finally going to let me down. Then I kept thinking my right knee is going to go as ive been nursing that all week leading up to the race with crappy muscles and arthritis. Then the two most common things that popped up, I’ll get a puncture and I’m due a crash and its coming tomorrow.  

Saturday night soon arrived and despite two very strong sleeping pills at like 7pm thinking ill be sparko by 8pm worst case 9pm id get a good nights sleep in. NOPE 8pm came had to get up walk to the toilet block for a wee, same thing at 9pm, 10pm, 11pm and finally 12:20am is the last time I went a wee before I finally fell asleep. I just couldn’t shut down or stop thinking.

Im a calm and relaxed person but I’m like that classic swan saying. Calm and serene on the surface but flapping like a gooden under the water. Whenever a challenge gets  close I don’t panic but I definitely overthink, it’s something I’m still working on with my counsellor but actually I’ve found by doing these challenges Im getting better at controlling it and im getting used to all these feelings. In reality Id never back down from something no matter how much I worry once ive decided I want to do something I will bloody do it and give it a damn good go in the process.

What made me want to do a Triathlon?

Well It started as a bit of a joke, In 2015 I had completed the LondonSurrey100 Bike Ride and I thought that was the hardest thing I could ever complete. Then a friend of mine commented on a facebook post of mine saying “Triathlon next mate” Yeah thanks Ben. Well as 2016 approached it really did start to come into my mind, Could I actually complete a triathlon? What would I need to do? How would I get the kit to do it? Could I physically complete it. Well A few negative things happened in 2016 so I never really got my head into doing it but I still did 2 bike rides and one I did raised a few more pennies for the CF trust when I did the London to Brighton bike ride that wasn’t big in terms of challenge but I only decided to do it about 6 weeks before the actually start date so I didn’t train as much as I would of liked but I did it more to give me something to focus on, I wasn’t fast but I just loved being on my bike and enjoying the views and the atmosphere.  Well it was finally in December 2016 I said “that’s it 2017 is the year I do a Triathlon” and I was going to stick to that plan. And well here I am now Writing about it. Having done a sprint Triathlon in May and then the Hever Castle Olympic Triathlon on Sunday I feel like I achieved what I set out to do. 

Anyway I must stop mumbling back to Sunday

So Sunday 6am arrives. I’m tired but straight up, no doubt, no question, just focused on my routine. Get my porridge prepared, get the bike together, prepare my drinks, prepare my nutrition, check my bike over again, do my nebuliser and all my tablets for CF, start consuming plenty of fluids like I was the night before keep myself topped up, get my tri suit on, it was cold that morning so I decided I’d get my wetsuit on well legs in straight away as it would keep my legs wrapped up and warm. Everything happened so fast I was just running on autopilot. Everything ready I walk toward Hever castle from the campsite. My heart is starting to pound but this time I was not in zombie mode I was completely ready LETS DO THIS that’s all I could think. 

I walked over to registration “name please and have you got your race number, Straight through grab any gels you want and drinks and if you go over there that man will show you to your bike rack position”  “Hello Sir follow me, right heres your area rack your bike this way and bag drop is over there”

Got my bike racked, bike set up correctly, running shoes and bike shoes laid out helmet checked and all fitting correctly. I was ready to go. Now I just walked to the Lake and stood with my dad had a couple photos done watched the half iron man swimmers go off and then as before I knew it I was being called to my swim time briefing. I listened to the whole thing didn’t miss a word totally focussed. Do you think I can remember any of it NOPE only bit I do remember is turn left on your swim at this bollard and go under this bridge. That’s it and just like that the instructor says “right line up on the platform and slide straight in to the water” No time to think we all climb on to the platform stand at the edge and sure enough we slide into the water. 

And So it Begins 

In the water and instantly the temperature hits you it was cold we was told the water temperature was 17 degrees, it wasn’t it was colder than that but there wasn’t really time to think about it or get a feel for it. We line up and the music is playing and then all of a sudden the music stopped and the airhorn went and we were off.  

My pace in the swim was a tad slow but I swam the first half next to someone else and we exchange a few words mainly both of us moaning about fogging goggles (mine have never done it until that day and I just couldn’t get them to fit right for some reason either) how cold the water was and how shallow it was. After about 10-15 minutes I get myself into a nice rhythm my breathing has relaxed and im feeling good about my pace and the cold and the first 750m goes rather nicely I can stick to my own pace and im feeling okay, a tad cold but im used to it. We reach the end bollard and turn left to go past a Chinese boat house on the corner of the lake and this is where I get frustrated because at the turn you then following the lake through a thinner route and at this point I got stuck behind 3 people who kept getting in my way and the problem was everytime I put a real burst of pace in to get past they would speed up and come back past then they would slow down again I would go past and they speed up again and come past me. I know they weren’t doing it on purpose but it felt like we were all shuffling around between us. About 1100m the lake takes another turn left and heads towards the swim finish and the lake opens up and some fast swimmers come through from the next wave behind me and I decide to get my head down behind a faster swimmer and I notice one or two slower swimmer have stopped at the side to take a breather and someone has even been pulled out the water by one of the kayakers and I started thinking “jeez this has really been tough this swim poor fella the cold must have got to him” by this point im about 150m to go and I can see the scaffold bridge that I have to swim under and then its about 50m to the lake edge to get out and move to transition. I didn’t realise it but at this point I was feeling really really cold I couldn’t feel my hands or feet and i was feeling a tad disorientated, under the scaffold bridge and I reach the lakes edge at this point I feel instant relieve and theres people there to help you out the water as this helpful man goes to help me stand up out the water he shouts to me “watch out as you get to the edge theres a concrete step up right here just under the waters edge” as he says that he pulls me right into the step and I take a great whack to my left foot, I didn’t feel it at the time because my feet were numb, Im out the water and im walking to transition to get changed and onto my bike but I was so numb I couldn’t use my hands to undo my wetsuit and start to slip my arms out as I head to transition, it also takes me a few minutes to get my bearings I was dizzy and not quite with it with all the blood rushing back to my feet, the swim had taken me around 45-50 minutes not too bad but I was aiming for the 40 minute mark but I was just so relieved to have finished the first bit all my nerves and worries were starting to go

How I had broken the race down in my head on whether I was going to finish the triathlon or not

My way of coping with whether I would finish or not came to one simple plan I knew I could do the swim easy and I had it in my head if I got through the swim and then completed bike no matter what happened on the run I would run walk or crawl my way to the finish line I just knew in my head I had to get the bike section finished and that medal was mine. Sounds simple don’t it but it played on my mind so much when I was on the bike.

Reach Transition One (Swim to Bike Transition)

So after a 200m walk from the lake (most people run but my legs and bearings hadn’t returned to me yet so I walked) I find my bike and some feeling has returned to my hands and I was finally able to undo my Wetsuit and I quickly slipped that off put my cycling shoes, helmet and glasses on I feel I’m lacking in energy so I gulp down a lucozade and an energy bar and make my way out of transition to start the bike section. 40km lies ahead and it nearly ends within the first 500m I hop on my bike and roll down the hill towards the gates out of never castle and with only one hand on the bars I hit a speed bump and nearly completely stack it losing my drink in the process and whacking my meat and two veg square on the top bar. I have to stop to swear and get my breath back and pick my drink up as I’m so thirsty I don’t want to lose any fluids I’m carrying. Anyway I get back on and head out feeling good legs are fresh and I’m positive until I turn the first bend and see the first hill I encounter. I swear a lot highest gear and just get cranking this is where I really noticed how much my fitness has improved because hills normally stop me and I have to walk the whole thing. Not this time I pedal half way up and stop to have a breather thinking I must be close to the top then some lovely old man shouts to me “dont worry mate your nearly at the top its about ANOTHER mile and your over the hill” I shout my thanks but really I’m thinking “Oh please just F off with your encouragement a bloody mile are you joking” Well I make the top and my legs are destroyed I look down Ive down like less than 4km bugger only 36km to go oh and I have to do that hill again, why do I do these bloody awful stupid poxy bleeding bloody flipping idiotic things, I pedal on and the hills keep coming up and down up and down and I’m going to say my favourite word to describe the triathlon the course is brutal the hills are not undulating like I was told they are fecking mountains to me but I keep on pedalling I don’t give up and my new bike and improved fitness is just about getting me to the top of each hill and then keeping me going to the next one. I hate it but I love it I take in the scenery oh the views around hever are stunning just beautiful but I don’t have time to stop and take them in, I’m constantly topping up my fluids and taking on energy gels to make sure I’m full of energy for the next hill or for a fast flat straight where I can really get some speed up and on the downhills I don’t grab the brakes at all I tuck myself back on the seat low down and I enjoy the speeds down the hills taking over people before they come past me again on the uphills. Its exhilarating and to be honest as much as its tough its so much fun and I do enjoy the challenge and the thrill. The end of the first 20km lap is fast approaching I turn at the top of the hill to the left and start heading downhill towards never to complete the first lap and this hills a lovely one if you enjoy going fast. As I speed towards the 20km marker and lap two I see my family on the left of me shouting I don’t have time to really see them and a waft past to start lap two and boom I go up a slight hill round a bend and BOOM theres that bloody hill again. Well lap 2 seems to go quickly and I’m soon passing my family again near the end of the second 20km lap, I ride past my family and shout “NEVER F**KING AGAIN, NEVER AGAIN”. The whole ride was a bag of emotions “what was that noise” “Is that a puncture” “Watch that drain” “Oh flip that bump hurt” “Oh not a f**king hill again” and then id go downhill and like a big child id be thinking YYYIIIPPPPEEEEE and WWWWWEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY to see how fast I could go my max I hit was 44mph and on a bike at that speed its definitely a hold on moment but so much fun. I finish lap two and pedal towards transition I get to the stop line and jump off my bike, I’m in pain but I cant hold my smile back now this was the mental goal I had set if I got to this line I knew I would finish, tension starts turning to relieve.

Transition two and the Run

I rack my bike and remove my helmet and gulp down another lucozade and energy bar and go to remove my cycling shoes but something feels odd with my left foot as I remove my left shoe my toe and front of my foot is tender and theres blood over my foot but I ignore it as it doesn’t feel like anything major and I’m so excited to be on the run because I’m so confident now of finishing I know only 10km stands in my way. I head out of transition for the final time go about 100m turn left and guess what? A bloody hill and its a big one. I have to walk it as my legs are with me yet its a killer but I make it of course and I now start to ease into running, run a bit walk a bit run a bit but I don’t have major strength and my muscles are so tight but I push on the entire time something just doesn’t quite feel right although I’m not sure what it is I keep going and I enjoy the stunning run route and talking to others along the way, not long after the 3km marker I feel a pop in my left foot and oh the pain starts to hit me a lot, I’m convinced its a toe nail popped off but I know its my big toe I know from the shooting pain I’m getting up my leg where its coming from. I cant run on it now but I don’t think about it I just think its okay we can fast walk it or hobble if we have to. The run is also BRUTAL hilly with short sharp descents then slow climbing hills but its beautiful to be in such lovely surroundings through horse fields, corn fields and we even run through a classic car rally taking place, I am ignoring the pain in my foot but I know I cant run so I just fast walk and take the whole day in and enjoy myself. That run well fast walk is the slowest 10km I’ve done but I didn’t care I was just counting the KM down, 10,9,8,7,6,5,4 to go and there is an add obstacle to avoid a blooming great hornets nest right on the bridge we have to run over in the field I didn’t realise what it was a just ran threw and hoped I didn’t annoy one on my way through and get stung, back up a rather large hill and at the top I see my uncle and cousin and my auntie then its downhill and the last 3km is in the ever castle grounds around the lake its utterly beautiful round there the grounds, I decide to try running again little jog ouch okay walk run again walk again I know I’m close to finishing so I get a sudden rush of energy, do you know what this triathlon lark is quite fun, I really enjoyed that swim and the bike was beautiful if not a tad hilly haha. 2km boards approaches and just after it I come to a bridge over the lake I had not long swam through and I see this little face looking at peering at me from the corner of the bridge and my daughter pops out and smiles and says hello so we walk together until the last 1 and half km and I start to run again and head for that finish by now I’m totally relaxed and so happy I’ve done it one last absolutely git of a hill which is so steep everyone is walking because running is too hard, reach the top and its about 1km to the finish and nearly downhill so I think sod it lets finish well and I jog and the crowds are lovely all clapping shouting support I turn round a right bend quick uphill run and theres the finish.

I MADE IT

I hit that finish line and grab a medal to stare at it, I had bloody made it, I have a little cry of joy and relieve and also to realise how much I’ve put in to all this nearly 9 months of my life I’ve put in to training given everything I had and it all comes down to this little medal and the pride I feel of having achieved something that 2 years ago I laughed off as impossible. Its such a surreal feeling after all the months of training hard work and pain you achieve what you set out to do, the race isn’t fun it isn’t easy but as soon as you finish you look back and think “yeah id do that again it was fun” and next year I may well enter a few more triathlons although never hever somewhere less hilly and ill do shorter distances but I will always be able to say I did an olympic distance triathlon and I can ay I’m a triathlete which is just mega. I love the feeling after finishing I just constantly stared at my medal. The thing is for me it wasn’t just the physical side it was the mental side I feel in such a better place this year mentally more free and less worrying and just happier within myself. No worries enjoying life with purpose, staying fit for a purpose and just generally feeling more relaxed. Is something missing from my life? Apart from a Ferrari haha Nah life is good I don’t go wanting for anything and I just feel so much more relaxed I others have noticed. Why do I feel like this? Less pressure on my health and my ability to cope with any worrying thoughts. Counselling was a big factor for me in my turn around and also my decision to finally take on a triathlon it made me relax so much, stop overthinking, stop worrying about the obvious which I cant change and just refocus on what I feel is important to me and doing these physical challenges is hugely important to me. 

Why did I think something went pop in my foot?

Well once I got home and paid attention to my foot which was agony I noticed my big toe and just behind it was swelling like mad and I had a cut on the top where I whacked it. I didn’t think anything of it especially when it happened because I couldn’t feel it because of the cold and numb from the water and my adrenalin was pumping but the next day my left foot especially my big toe was a considerable size bigger than my right foot and walking on it although doable was giving me a lot of grief. I went to A&E just to get it checked because I have osteopenia and breaking things is in theory easy for me to do and after a quick Xray they said I had a slight fracture not a break in my big toe but theres not much you can do for it just try to not be stupid with it don’t run on it for a bit and let it heal. It wasn't too bad but it just made stairs a little difficult and putting shoes on was a careful process because of the pain but within a couple weeks it was nicely healed up, well I think as theres no more bruising or pain coming from it, a minor thing to have to deal with and it didn’t bother me I still made the finish and that was my aim. 

Whats important to me?

Achieving my goals and feeling free of the limits mentally and physically is hugely empowering for me. I’m able to focus so much better and I worry so much less. I just feel like I’m enjoying life so much more this past 12 months and describing how or why isn’t easy because it isn’t like I flicked a switch and change its lots of different little things that have added up to one big positive. All I know is I had counselling but a combination of things from counselling made something inside me change and I’m now just so relaxed but find focus easier so if I say I’m doing that I just go and give it a go and try to succeed at it. All these changes and doing these physical challenges makes me feel so good every day I can train or enjoy my life is another day I know I’ve avoided hospital or falling ill and thats a very satisfying feeling and to me its like a drug and although the training is hard and managing CF gets harder as time goes on I now understand so much better why I do it and the benefits it gives me.

Its refreshing its fun and care free to feel like this and feel like after 31 years I feel like I’m understanding myself more than ever and pushing CF back more than I ever have and I know i’ll feel this way for a while yet. I have plenty I still want to try and achieve and plenty I can focus on and try and get positive results. No negatives here but I’m also a realist I know I will still get sick and poorly and CF will keep deteriorating my body and my mind mentally but it hasn’t done enough yet to stop me and while I can I’m going to keep pushing myself. IF I had to answer “whats important to me” In a simple sentence I’d say “Life, everyday I Push myself is another day I defy the odds, another day I’m alive to enjoy things and also prepare for when things eventually go bad” Its never easy but the best things in life are hard earned.

Did I raise much money for the cystic fibrosis Trust?

Yep, I have raised just over £2,100.00 for the triathlon and since 2015 I’ve now raised just over £5,000 for the trust which I’m hugely proud of. I still don’t know how this nobody has gone on to become such a better person, achieve such big physical things and hopefully raise awareness along the way so others know what CF is all about. Its very humbling when people back me and support me and I just want to say a huge thank you to each and everyone of you who has supported me, sent me kind messages, congratulated me and pushed me to achieve these things, truly without all of you behind me I would have faded into the background a long time ago. Simply Thank you you’ve all been amazing.

I just hope my hard work will go on to help and benefit others no matter how small an effect it has any positive effect is a win for me.

Whats next?

Well it has to be big so I have a sort of 18 month plan I’m putting together to test myself and if I feel I can handle it in 2019 I want to try and enter and complete the London Marathon OR I cant believe I’m saying this but I’m discussing with doctors about the possibility and physical possibility of me maybe doing Kilamanjaro yes so thats either try to compete a 26 mile marathon or walk up a mountain but its all about the preparation and if I can physically cope with these ideas so 2018 is a building year. In 2018 I’m going to do a few small triathlons and I’m going to be entering some 10km runs and hopefully attempt a half marathon or two to see how I get on with running longer distances and assess later on in 2018 on what I can do or cant do as the case may be and plan from there for 2019. Oh and I’m going to do the 2 mile serpentine swim at Hyde park in September 2018 because if I do that and manage to complete the London marathon if I complete them and having already done the London Surrey 100 bike ride completely these three challenges would mean I would achieve the London classics medal for those who have completed all three London challenges and I really like that Idea and thats why I want the London marathon to add to my list of physical challenges but its all about assessing myself planning and then going from there.

Why do I do these challenges?

Funnily enough when I’m in pain or during the challenges I think this a lot like bloody idiot why are you doing this but in serious context I do it because staying alive with CF and fending off illness only gets harder as time goes on and somehow I’ve found a way that I enjoy something that helps me try and stay fit and clear all the mucus off my chest and I enjoy the feeling of knowing I put the effort in is rewarding me back by helping me realise the health benefits and helps me fight personally against CF don’t get me wrong I know I have to lose eventually but its quite fun training and seeing that phlegm come out and knowing I’ve shifted something and looking in the mirror and see myself with more colour and a smile. Ultimately I do it because the pain of running or swimming and biking is an enjoyable pain and id rather be going through that than the pain of a chest infection and exhaustion and hospital beds. I do it because its a fun way for me to try and help clear my lungs, I’ve never liked doing the breathing exercises that I have to do to help clear my lungs but I do them because I have to but by doing physical exercise it helps clear my lungs better and means I don’t feel like I need to do my breathing exercises as much. Doctors will say what works for some doesn’t work for others and I don’t doubt that and I’ve found what works for me. For me physical exercise is so effective for me hard cardio work really helps dislodge things and I cough up plenty when training and feel so much better after so I know and I can feel I’ve found something that works for me but everyone is different. And thats why I do it because its my fun way of helping my lungs and my body to try and fight against CF stay as healthy or as less sick as I can for as long as possible. Its a drug that you cant buy but its a drug I love because I feel the effects when I’m training and noticing clearing things out of my system. Would I recommend to people with CF to give pushing yourself physically and take on these challenges to try and help if its possible for them to give it a go. Absolutely. My hospital records and results for the past 3 years show my results and shows its helped me slow down the damage CF is doing. IF it hadn’t of taken on these things I genuinely believe seeing what my hospital admissions and lung scans were and how much I coughed up before I went on this journey I believe id have been seriously sick now and maybe not even here. Its not easy to do and I sacrifice a lot to train and enjoy my fitness but I wouldn’t change it now and I don’t intend to stop doing it any time soon. 

I do it because I can.

While I still can, I will.

Watch this space is all I can say right now 

Thanks for reading

Cystic Fibrosis and the affect it has on us mentally

This could be quite a big blog so lets get in to it.

 

Ive been thinking about CF a lot lately, not in a bad way but just in the affects it can have on me/us mentally.

 

I thought long and hard about it and I never realised before how long I've been really coping and sometimes struggling with the day to day thoughts and realities.

 

I sat and made notes about this topic over the past few days and it was eye opening. I already knew all about it but never really thought about it.

 

Where it all started

 

When I was younger I must of been struggling with it all from a young age. I don't remember it much but even at a young age I was going to counselling I'm sure when I was around the age of ten maybe even younger and into my early teens. I have no real memory of it why I went, what it was about or what I was feeling maybe I can't remember, maybe Ive blocked it out? I just cannot remember it well at all. All I remember is what the counsellor looked like, the rooms and where I went. Thats it but I know from memory for whatever reason I went it can't have been good but it must have sorted me out, I know it has to be over my coping of CF and life itself well my life as I knew it with an illness.

 

And the coping with it all didn't last long

 

 Now this part I do remember more, when I got to around 15 years old I remember really struggling to cope, so much so I was asking questions about why should I bother? Whats the point if I'm not going to live that long? Why do all this physio and take all these pills for nothing? So many questions and I felt like there was no answers. I was genuinely questioning my own life at this period of time.

 

My mum and dad could see and hear how I was starting to really struggle and went searching for help. Im going back sort of 15 years and before I go into details people need to know that cross infection and stuff like that wasn't really a known problem back then. See even with CF and the research that goes on we are always learning new things about it.

 

My mum contacted the CF Trust to ask for help and they put my mum in touch with people who ran a programme that helped people with CF connect with one another and meet to chat and help each other (can you imagine happening these days with the known risk of infection!!) and they put me in touch with someone older than me (Sorry Paul) and they set it up for us to meet go out and have a chat. The whole point of it was to show me that people with CF can live good lives into older years and that it isn't all a waste of time. Well Paul was just ace so a nice guy we went out on his motorbike (The first time id been on a super bike) and got some food and just chatted about CF and he told me all about what its like for him and how he copes and it showed me so much. Life as you get older does happen and it isn't as bad as I had imagined.

 

We are still friends to this day and we do occasionally meet up (Ssshhhh don't tell the doctors) and he definitely helped me to see beyond my teenage years and really helped me a lot.

 

This time I was old enough to work things out with the help of friends and advice I got myself in a much better place and meeting Paul really helped me put everything in to place to help me understand things better and not be so negative.

 

 Why do I think I didn't cope when I was younger?

 

I think it’s simple I was just too young to cope and I had so many questions that my inexperienced mind couldn't answer so I needed help to find those answers. I really struggled with my thoughts for a long time. Even in to my teens I had so many thoughts, you know the usual why me? What’s going to Happen? Why do I find this so hard? So many questions but I just wasn't ready to understand it all. I was overthinking and overloading myself in thoughts even at that young age when I should of been carefree and running run all-day playing and having fun with my friends.

 

The problem is even from a young age I definitely think an illness makes you see things differently, to be more wise than your years, makes you think differently.

 

I knew from a young age I was different to other people, different to my friends. Yes I could run around all-day pretty much like them, I’d get hurt, I’d get tired, I’d do silly things and get in to trouble like any other child and of course I went to school every day like everyone else but I still knew I was different. I wasn't normal and that’s the most simple way I could say it.

 

In-between doing NORMAL things like every other child I also had to take 50-60 pills EVERYDAY, I had to do nebulisers EVERYDAY, I had to do physio EVERYDAY to help move the sticky stuff that was trying to make me ill and clog my lungs and I coughed and got ill alot. Is that normal?? To me it was normal as I knew no different but I knew it wasn't a normal life. What normal child has to go hospital regularly to blow in to a tube to check their lung capacity or spit in to a pot to have their sputum checked for infections or tell a doctor what their poo looks like or have to give their health marks out of ten??

 

As a child I had to learn a lot and grow up fast, I had to learn about what my illness did to me, what tablets to take when, what each tablet did, what physio did and most importantly i had to learn what would happen if i didn't do any of that!

 

Is that a normal Childhood?

 

The strange thing is it was for me and i will never know anything different.

 

Can you understand now why things can get messy inside our heads? So much to deal with and for me personally I tried to cope so much on my own. I never wanted to ask for help as a kid I wanted to deal with it alone, see I'm stubborn and I thought I could cope. And that hasn't changed as I’ve got older. That said I'm grateful for all the support I have had and still get.

 

And as a kid no one ever made me feel different all my friends made me feel like one of them and as normal as I could possibly be they were amazing to me massively caring and always looked after me if I hurt myself but never left me out of anything. Without friends like that things would have felt so much harder for me. Im extremely grateful about that and my childhood. It taught me a lot.

 

Little did I know my childhood would help me when I became a parent.

 

 And what about the past few years

 

I think looking back I’d say I have been struggling to cope mentally for the past 3 years but I had told myself I had everything under control, pretty much with the same issues that I struggled with when I was younger, the problem that I think was the root cause of it all this time was because I was older and wiser this time I thought I had all the answers and I was overthinking everything and this especially is apparent to me over the past 18 - 20 months. Despite doing all my physical training and bike rides and trying to keep fit and managing to avoid hospital and having a stable lung function over the past 2 years I was still struggling mentally, I was horrible to be around I know my personality had changed, I had a short temper and I wasn't happy within myself at all let alone the situation or things around me and my mental struggles all came out when I became single again last April that was the trigger point for me. Not because of losing that relationship but because it made me see the horrible person I had become, it opened my eyes to starting to see what I was going through, how I was struggling.

 

Yes I was gutted totally that things had ended and that definitely affected me ALOT but it made me see more importantly what I was doing and how I was feeling about myself. I started to see how unhappy I was not with what had gone on but with myself I really hated myself and the situation I was in having CF and how I just wasn’t coping with things mentally.

I was on my own and I was thinking more in the way of "well who would actually want someone like me?" I was deeply unhappy within myself because I am always overthinking even the smallest of problems and I was becoming an angry, short tempered person because I wasn’t able to understand what was going on in my own head. And yet I wasn't talking to everyone bottling things up AGAIN thinking I could cope but I wasn't. My mum described me as a ticking time bomb. I was scared of CF, scared of being alone, I wasn't happy with myself, I wasn't talking to people I was ignoring my own plight and I had the temper of all tempers I had no fuse at all for a long time even before that trigger point.

 

Even through this period I was still training for new physical challenges because it kept part of me focused and I knew I still needed to stay healthy even though I was starting to lose my focus on why I was doing all that hard work.

 

It all came to a head when let’s say I had a mild breakdown and a suicidal wobble (that’s me being mild and not wanting to talk about it too much about what actually happned that night but that’s not the point of this blog post)

 

It left me feeling down more and embarrassed about my actions but it was my epiphany moment that I really needed.

 

I ended up getting help because I finally admitted to having some issues mentally and the first thing I did was phone my CF team in London and I told them what had happened and they helped me immediately. Two days after my wobble I was started on anti-depressants whilst counselling sessions were arranged and 5 days after that I was sat with my CF team counsellor talking. Still to this day nearly 18 months on I hate admitting to what happened and that I ended up on tablets because I always felt tablets did nothing and depression was a load of rubbish even though I’ve seen people go through it I always thought "that will never be me" but now I know it’s completely the opposite and I was suffering with depression and I did need them tablets and I can't hide from the facts it is what it is. I’m not afraid to admit it anymore that I have had some mental issues but I have been dealing with them and getting the right help that I needed.

 

 Why do I think I was unhappy and depressed?

 

Well I'd say my struggles had been building up for the past 3 years for many reasons. I was approaching 30 years old and I kept thinking "I shouldn't even be here" I wasn't happy in life in general, I was lashing out at people around me and I wasn't letting people in to help me. I was deeply unhappy in myself. I had also seen a few people who I have become friends with pass away from CF who were much younger than me and you can't help but think "Well how am I still here?" and I was getting fed up with the whole CF routine. Take tablets, cough, do exercise, cough, be sick, have to go hospital, get antibiotics, do nebulisers, never get enough sleep, always feeling drained, thinking your CF annoys people. It’s the whole CF life I was fed up with and that effected my whole life in general.

 

When someone you know passes away from CF it does play on your mind.

 

See what I mean about this isn't a normal life? It’s one we have to learn to live as a normal life and learn to cope with the good and the bad no matter how hard it is we don’t have any choice do we!!

 

It certainly does make you appreciate all the good things big or small a lot more than you normally would.

 

People say yes but you could get hit by a bus and die tomorrow. Well CF can be just like that as well more than people realise.

 

The next chest infection you get or even a cold could kill you with CF. Does that sound over dramatic? Yes but it’s true it really can happen like that.  When your ill and struggling even perfume or deodorant can make you cough or get that itch in your throat that makes you struggle.

 

 You learn to live with Fear but it can take your mind over sometimes and that’s what happened to me over the past few years.

 

Fear had consumed my entire life.

 

I was training through Fear.

 

Doing Nebulisers through Fear

 

Tablets because of fear

 

I wasn't my usual self of just thinking well it is what it is and you just deal with things. My relaxed attitude to life had gone completely. I’m usually so laid back I'm horizontal about life. Nothing used to bother me about my health apart from when I was younger but it had all changed and I was nothing like the happy go lucky person I used to be when I didn’t have a care in the world despite everything I was dealing with everyday.

 

 How did I get through it and change?

 

 Firstly I had to admit I couldn’t cope, I won't say its admitting to having a problem because its not like that, it’s just not coping with your unique life that you have to life. You have no choice in the life you have to live day in day out.

 

Once I got into counselling it seemed simple but I never saw it.

 

I just over complicate things and overthink things. Yet I could never see it until someone pointed out the obvious.

 

That one issue was the root cause it seemed for my problems personally anyway and of course everyone is different in their fight, their battle, their problems but this was my personal issue.

 

The counsellor helped me hit the reset button. And still continues to do so to this day to help me.

 

And the biggest thing I've learnt is, never be afraid to ask for help or talk to someone, one conversation is all it takes to start on the road to better things.

 

I had counselling for around 6 months last year. It didn't take me long to start feeling better and I was off the anti-depressants fairly quickly and it was my own decision to come off them. I just didn't need them anymore because counselling was giving me all the answers and release I needed to start becoming a better happier me. A new and improved but the old happy me I once was.

 

I can't say enough how important the counselling has been for me. Im so happy I got help.

 

Please if you feel like you’re in this on your own, you’re not there is people out there that can help you.

 

They helped me.

 

I spoke about CF and how I felt about it all and the questions I had, the counsellor explained what I was doing going round in circles and never being able to find the answers because I simply couldn't.

 

She helped me to see the problems, we then talked it through and came up with a plan to talk about it regularly and get through it and in time I would see what the problem was for myself and by talking about it I would learn how and why it was happening.

 

I think it stemmed from my own determination, I’m hugely independent. I try to do everything myself, I never ask for help and also part of my job is problem solving and I was using my work ethic to try and problem solve myself and I was complicating my own thoughts even more let alone solving it all.

 

Through talking regularly I learnt to let people in and talk to people and ask for help for answers if I felt I couldn't and that sometimes you can't do everything yourself.

 

It most likely sounds simple don't overthink things but it wasn't easy for me to see it like that, it took me months of talking to get things out and start to see things straight.

 

Its funny how you can think your just having a simple conversation with someone but that someone is making notes on everything I was saying and then came up with Ideas on how to change. Simple but so affective for me. I can't thank the CF team and my counsellor enough for helping me out

If you ever need help never be afraid to ask.

 

 And how do I feel now?

 

I feel like the old me from 10 years ago. I’m not overthinking, I'm not feeling fear like I was and I'm happy with myself. I feel like I have a purpose again and I have long term goals not just short term fears like I did have before everything fell apart. Things just feel good right now.

 

Im the happiest ive been in years and although im on my own I don’t have the fear of being alone anymore I have the excitement of wondering what I can do on my own and the adventures I can do whilst im still healthy enough to do so.

 

Last year and the past 3 years no longer have a negative effect on me. Im not scared of things like I was, I'm not scared of being alone. Infact I'm happy with life as it is right now and I know if someone doesn't want me for the person I am and the challenges I will face in the future then who cares because I don't need them type of people in my life. I’m a lot more carefree whilst realistic on what I need to do day to day and I'm not fed up with CF and the things we have to do to stay healthy. I don't feel like a burden I feel like I have a lot to offer still despite my health.

 

I’m no longer angry and my temper has disappeared. I’m laid back and relaxed about things. I go out and have a laugh with mates instead of getting drunk to be stupid and try and forget or hurt myself.

 

I’m able to deal with things in general better without panicking, getting angry or complicating things.

 

I just feel so happy with everything and within myself. I cry when I want instead of blocking things up because I know it’s not a bad thing to get sad I just let my feelings out and I feel better after.

 

CF doesn't rule me negatively like it has the past 3 years because of my declining health. I’m more acceptable but not complacent and I have my fight back again. Fight to stay fit because I enjoy it rather than being scared of things.

 

I just feel completely different but like the old me just new and improved and I have a different way of seeing things more simply.

 

I don't know if words can really describe my happiness and mood in words.

 

Things just have come together really nicely and I'm really pleased with how my life feels now and I know I can cope much better than I could all because I'm not afraid to talk now and ask for help.

 

That one conversation and asking for help was all it took. And I'm now happy and focused on living for the right reasons

 

If theres one thing I have learnt its never too late to ask for help and never be afraid to say you can’t cope. It is a big deal but by taking that first step it will help you to find the help that you need and is easily available if you just ask.

 

Talk to people, friends family loved ones or even your doctor or CF team and ask for help if you need it. Don’t lose the will to fight physically or mentally as help is always available.

 

I never thought Id find myself in the situation I was in but I did and now im glad I got the help I was after instead of fighting battle on my own that I would never have won if I didn’t find the answers from others around me.

 

 

If there’s one thing I urge you all to think even if you don’t have an illness and are having issues talk to someone, go see your doctor or phone a helpline anonymously and talk about whatever is on your mind. One conversation, one rant, one cry to a person who’s there to listen will be the start to helping you get on your way to feeling better.

 

 

 

Thank You for reading.

Why I got into Cycling and why I'm now attempting a Triathlon

Recently a few people have asked me

"Why did you take up cycling??"

My simple answer would be "My Health" but let me explain further.


In 2014 I was having a really bad year health wise the worst I've ever had in fact. I had been in hospital 3 times and had been off sick from work for nearly a month at a time for every hospital admission plus multiple days off sick because I just couldn't do anything. I had caught mrsa of the lungs and another bug (the name escapes me at the moment) and just couldn't shift it and was struggling to get it under control.
Another major contributing factor was that in January 2014 I was finishing Gene Therapy Trials which I now believe is the reason my lung function had held on for so long because the trial drugs was trying to help my lungs and keep me healthy.
In 2013 my lung function had been around 75-80% and gene therapy was doing a really good job at helping me maintain that percentage (I didn't know this at the time but have learnt all this since from seeing my lung function results) but not long after I had finished the gene therapy trials I was starting to get sick a lot and my lung function was dropping like a stone and infections were feasting on my lungs like an all you can eat buffet. By the end of 2014 I was back in hospital for the third time looking for help, looking for answers and getting frustrated with the whole situation and the lack of answers I needed to try to stop my health declining, I was admitted into hospital and I couldn't breathe and had to be put onto oxygen to help my oxygen levels.

I have never felt so ill, so scared and so down mentally let alone physically, this was all new to me Id never experienced this before. I mean don't get me wrong because I know everybody who has CF is different and everybody's fight is different but this was my first time experiencing this and I was out of my depth thinking I could handle it, I didn't cope at all, its most likely taken me until this year 2017 3 years on of admitting to my problems and getting mental help to learn how to cope and deal with new things and how to think with a clear head (but i'll come to all that in another blog post)

I was my worst moment in my life with CF I felt totally awful about everything and the fear I had feeling that cold air rushing up my nose and into my lungs is something I do not wish to experience any time soon. Sometimes with CF you can escape the reality of an illness when your health is good, well escape as much as taking pills and doing physio feels normal and no worrying moments but having that pipe running from ear to ear and connecting up at my nose brings all your fears and thoughts of the bad side of CF to the front of your thoughts and its bloody hard to shake it.

I was starting to lose faith in the medicines I was on and the medical staff around me even though I know how much effort they were putting in to try and help me I felt like I was being failed or that my health was seriously failing me really quick. I had tried every Intravenous drug possible to help me and I felt like nothing was working. I had tried IV drugs, oral meds and steroids and nothing seemed to be helping. I was starting to have thoughts of "Is this the beginning of the End?"

This question in my head became a scary thought a lot but my doctor was really good to me, we sat and had a chat and she explained you know we can keep trying and if it isn't working we will work together to deal with this change in health and get me the help I needed to learn to adjust and cope with the changes.

Ultimately though I was fed up and angry and I wasn't ready to accept that things had changed.
I had lost around 20-25% of my lung function in a matter of months. I was now down to around 55% and it all felt surreal and I wasn't prepared to accept that. You could say my epiphany moment came when I was put on oxygen and told that we could discuss the options to help me cope with the loss of lung function. I just wasn't having it. I was ssssoooooo angry with the whole situation.

I was especially angry with myself because all I could think was "What did I do wrong? What have I done wrong? Am I to blame for this happening?? What could have caused it? Have I missed something?" So many questions and no answers I was in a world of pain, not so much physically but mentally I was really feeling it I was down and so disappointed but I really couldn't accept this situation, Could I?

I was also being told that my Diabetes wasn't being well controlled and that my numbers were still too high and I needed to go on a diabetes training course to help me learn carb counting as that was essential to help me learn the numbers better and get my numbers down.

Now people who know me will say I can be very stubborn and with all the above happening my Stubbornness was on full I will prove you wrong mode. I refused the diabetes help and I refused to accept from the doctors that maybe this was what the future was going to be like with me having to go to hospital more regularly for IV Treatment and put up with my decline in help. I was NEVER going to listen to that.

I sat with the doctor and said "once this admission is done I'm going to go away and assess things and Im going to prove you wrong that this isn't going to carry on and that I can help my health and my diabetes, if theres no more that you can do I want a go at trying something different". I appreciated that the doctors were trying to help but I think my words were "Im going to take things into my own hands and I feel this is something I need to do, if the drugs can't help then let me find out if I can do something".

But what would I try??


Well I had been looking into big physical challenges that I could maybe try and see if that helped my health, I thought about the London marathon but I didn't think I could cope with the running that distance plus with my weak left leg I was thinking it would be too much to expect my right leg to do all the work. What about a shorter distance? What about walking up a mountain kilamanjaro? I had been wanting to go there for a while but I had to be realistic 50% lung function walking up a mountain with the lack of air becoming more and more apparent. I wasn't sure. What could I do??

I could cycle, I could do that I liked cycling and i could go as fast or as slow as I wanted and it wouldn't put too much pressure on me (well so I thought how wrong I was).

SO cycling but what cycling challenge can I do?? It just had to be something big I had to find something that looked impossible but something I would remember forever and know that I had done it starting from nothing. It had to be something I could say to the doctors "See I f**king did it, two fingers to your complacency". I was trawling the internet and came across something that caught my eye.

The Prudential RideLondon-Surrey 100

I came across this ride in simple terms its 100 miles on closed roads through beautiful london and surrey countryside taking in the sights of world famous London. This really caught my eye.
I mean 100 miles is big enough for the challenge to be big, catch peoples attention and maybe few a few pennies for the CF Trust but firstly I needed a bike.

And I was fortunate enough that my partner at the time offered to buy me a bike for my birthday (Thank You) and in november 2014 I picked this up. It wasn't expensive it wasn't a fancy carbon fibre go fast bike but it was mine my bike that I hoped would pedal me to great things. I had no idea how far this thing would take me and what challenges I would achieve but I loved this bike the first day I picked it up.

I went for my first bike ride a few days later (the picture above is me after my first ride) and it shocked me. I managed a measly 6 miles, just 6 miles and I was beat exhausted and my lungs hated me but I had the bug, I knew I wanted to do this. I fell in love with cycling straight away, lycra isn't a fashion statement but knowing your dressed in it sort of gives me a sense of pride because I know i want to achieve something whilst dressed in my cycling gear. Overtime I put my training gear on I know I'm doing it for a purpose, to stay fit, to show others whats possible and to help the CF trust and hopefully the money raised with help of you lovely people has helped made a difference to others in some way no matter how small.

That day I signed up to the LondonSurrey100 with the CF Trust and the rest as they say is history.

Since January 2015 I have cycled about 7000 miles and I've completed

LondonSurrey100 Bike Ride 2015
KM Bike Big Ride 50km 2016
London To Brighton 55 mile bike ride 2016

And I've managed to raise around £3,500.00 for the cf trust along the way.

Also since I started training at the end of 2014 my hospital fortunes and health have stabilised. I wouldn't say its improved as such as my lung function hasn't improved since 2015 but it has most certainly slowed down in its declined and stabilised at around 50 to 55% for the last 2 and a half years. I am the fittest I've ever been even with my lung function and I'm still smiling look ahead to the future and what other challenges I can take on. I won't lie its been bleeding hard there been days still when I've not been able to do anything and my CF has affected me still even on good days but I feel better mentally knowing Id rather be in pain training than be in pain in hospital or coughing. All the miles, pain, tears and falls have all been worth it.

Since 2015 my hospital visits have decreased massively

2015 - 2 admissions in January 2015 and September 2015

And that is the last time I was admitted to hospital for IV Treatment its been 21 months since I had a stay in hospital. Its not been easy Ive pushed myself like mad, I've still been really sick at times and I've still had infections and other problems and bugs have taken their toll on me at time and I've swallowed a lot of tablets to fend off sickness but I haven't had to stay in hospital to do it in all that time and I intend to keep doing it for as long as I possibly can. Even if I ended up in hospital tomorrow I will know in my head and in my heart that I've made huge life choices and sacrifice to keep me going and get me where I am today and I'm the happiest I've been in a long long time knowing I'm doing the right thing.

All the training has also had a positive effect on my diabetes. I now have much lower levels which I'm still working on to improve and Ive got it under control and by having a good diabetes control it helps my chest and reduce infections because infections feed off sugar and can turn in to a vicious cycle of problems.

Can you imagine how good it felt the next time I saw my diabetes specialist and my doctor, I'd dropped my sugar levels by over 30% within a matter of months with none of their help whatsoever and id stabilised my chest and was staying away from hospital. As a person with a point to prove that felt damn good to say "see I did that, you thought it wouldn't happen but it did and its getting better" don't get me wrong I love the doctors who help me, I have a great working relationship with them and I have no bad words to say against them as they work damn hard with us cvs to help us but to know I did something for myself and it had worked felt pretty bloody good walking out of there knowing what was happening. I don't think I can ever put into words how satisfying it was to have something go my way, something positive something that felt surreal to have managed to have changed my fortunes. I had changed the downward spiral and I felt like I had done it on my own, hard work determination and maybe a bit of good fortune.


And now you know why I took up cycling, thats the long and short answer but without deciding to get on two wheels and put my feet on the pedals I have no doubt I would be in that terrible place I had feared two years ago getting more and more used to hospital beds and going insane because I just wouldn't cope but thanks to cycling and maybe my stubbornness to prove people wrong, I'm here talking walking and still breathing through my lungs without any further grief.


And what next??


It had to be another big challenge. I felt it had to be a triathlon, an olympic distance to be exact.

With 2017 fast approaching and feeling in a good place in my life I had to decide what to do next, so I've decided on a triathlon. And not a short one either. Olympic distance

On the 24th September 2017 Im taking part in the Hever Castle Olympic distance Triathlon to in aid of the Cystic Fibrosis Trust


1500m swim
40km bike ride
10km run
One after the other all in one go.


I started training in in about October last year nothing too serious, the odd ride, the odd run but I didn't start swimming until January this year and thats when I started really upping my training and thinking seriously about attempting a Triathlon. I knew this would be big. The biggest challenge Ive ever attempted. Hardest thing Ive ever wanted to finish and the pain and training hasn't disappointed in challenging me and making me doubt myself thats for sure.

Training for this has been a whole different world to just biking and its getting harder everyday.
I'm swimming twice a week running twice a week and cycling twice a week plus doing short exercise at home. And not small distances either. im now swimming 2 to 3 miles every week, cycling 50 miles per week and running about 10km a week at present, I know that may not sound like a lot but I'm still learning still improving and still increasing my distances.

And so far I have managed to complete a sprint Triathlon in April as a practice run but that is nothing compared to the big one and I learnt a lot from that, mostly how hard and painful it is and that was only 250m swim 10mile bike ride and 3mile run. That is nothing compared to what I want to attempt.

I now have 14 weeks approximately to keep training improving and hopefully dodging hospital until the big day and its already tough but ill do another blog soon about training soon to keep you all in suspense.

Whats pushing me through this training and attempt is my health, my stubbornness and wanting to raise awareness and funds for the CF Trust. This is what inspires me to keep pushing.



And I'm getting support along the way which has spurred me on even more to get it done and keep on training.

I have to give a huge shout out and Thank You to Ribble Cycles, I wrote to them last month asking if they could help me at all in lending me a bike and they went above and beyond what I expected. They kindly contacted me and offered to give me a new bike to help me complete this challenge and my future challenges that I want to take on. I really cannot thank them enough and talking with them and meeting them on the day I visited their new shop in Birmingham was amazing. They are all so lovely, so supportive and couldn't be any nicer. Their offer of support will never go unappreciated, they have inspired me to keep pushing and wanting to achieve more. Without their help I could never have got a bike like this. So thank you thank you thank you to everyone at Ribble. You are all amazing for helping me and supporting me on this journey and I will forever be in your debt.

Just look at my beautiful new Carbon Sportive racing bike. Its a mechanical thing of beauty. Im in love with its looks and lines and oho my the colour matte black just looks the business.

These guys deserve a huge thank you for everything they have done for me and I hope to be able to return their generosity one day.

Id also like to say a big Thank you to Speedo UK who have supplied me with all the triathlon kit I could ever need. All I asked was if I could borrow a wetsuit not expecting a reply and not only did they reply they offered to help me with a huge offer.
They not only sent me a wetsuit but two tri suits, tri shorts and new goggles. And Ive tried them all out and they feel amazing and the wetsuit really keeps me warm in bleeding cold open water.

Its things like this and support like this that spur me on. These companies don't have to do anything but they take time out of their busy days to talk to me and help me in ways I could never of imagined.
I could never have afforded any of this equipment and without them I couldn't have even thought about attempting these challenges. Its really spurred me on to want to do this and not let them down.


I lastly want to say thank you to everyone who has liked and followed my Charity Facebook page and pledged a donation to my fundraising page. You guys are the one that will really make the difference by donating your hard earned cash you are going a long way to helping me hit my fundraising target and to raise money that will go a long way to helping others. I do these challenges for fun, you guys do the important bit.

So thank you to each and every one of you that support me, offer me help and inspire and spur me on to take on the huge challenges.

If you want to follow me on my training and triathlon journey and pledge a donation to my fundraising page then please click on the links and follow and support me along the way


Thank You


Just giving Page

https://t.co/oWkYrpgeit

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Jamie's CF Challenges for Charity