Change, painful experiences and never learning

So I haven't blogged in a while but with everything going on I thought I'd write a blog as it always helps me to vent my feelings and thoughts

Recently I had a big change in my life when someone close to me recently left my life. (No one has died but I won't go in to detail) 

Whether it's the right thing to happen in my life I won't say but I never cope with changes in my life like this whether it's right or wrong I never cope with big changes well it's just the person I am overthinking over worrying I hate change.

With this in mind I generally find solace in having a big blow out to try and compensate. That blow out has come in the form of stress and alcohol

People say I look fine but I have a very good poker face. For nearly four weeks now I've been out drinking when I've had free time and I've made quite an idiot of myself. I mean don't get me wrong I enjoy going out with mates and I've had some laughs and some very caring friends but I'm the sort of person who only used to drink and going out like every few months and that was it and I'm not the type to drink at home and all I've done every week for four weeks is go out and drink when I'm on my own. Filling time 

Don't get me wrong I've put the odd training session in to do some new challenges but I've lost my focus on them goals and I'm just not quite ready to stop my blowout yet

In time I know things will be fine and everything happens for a reason but I still always need to time adjust its just the person I am.

I'll be okay I always sort myself out. Time is what I need. 

My health has been up and down lately recently too (yes yes I know drinking will never help it blah blah) and it's made me realise a lot. I'm not the positive person I once was about cf. don't get me wrong I'm not letting my routine slip I'm still doing all my tablets and nebulisers but lately my head has gone to happy with my health especially after my recent hospital check ups showed good progress to knowing I'm closer to my end than my beginning and that has affected me massively, I can't shake it 

Don't get me wrong I'm not scared of my obvious ending I just can't stop thinking about it and it's making me see things so much differently. 

Like I'm now set on being on my own is better because it affects less people in the future. You know no plans no worries of what may come when I don't plan on anything to arrive. 

I'm an idiot with how I think things through but its the way I learn to cope although I never learn really when it comes to getting things right

But it is my short life and I'll always live it how I see fit and if it means I take my time, drink too much and damage my health before I come out the other side then that's what will happen. 

I've never been one to know when to stop I've been one to get things wrong but never to rush when it comes to sorting myself out. My councillor has got one hell of a job on her hands and I think she has realised that over the past two weeks of multiple conversations I really feel sorry for her having to deal with me haha but like she says my journey to new beginnings insane even started yet.

Wow I've waffled on haven't I, you can just tell from what I've written how scrambled my head is. See this is why I write so I can type absolute rubbish but feel better for it. Although whether Its working is debatable 

Anyway I digress 

My head is like a puzzle with missing pieces but even though pieces are missing you can still see the picture. Isn't that a strange way to view your own life?! 

In fact that proberly fits my life perfectly

Anyway for now I'm happy just being an idiot until the time comes when I realise somethings wrong or my body tells me to sort it out 

Sorry I waffled on. 

And secondly sorry to all the people I've hurt and offended lately. If you'll understand it's just my way of sorting myself out. Until then here's to idiocy stupidity and possibly never learning but it's how I've always lived

Thanks for reading if you've got this far 

2016 new year new me, yeah I wish same old me just a different day and random ramblings

So

It's 2016 

And here goes a few words, random words, fears and scares mainly scared I may bore you reading this

And I haven't blogged since the bike ride, I'm not sure why but inspiration hasn't been a problem it's just turning thoughts into words has been hard. 

So what's happened

Well in October I reached the milestone birthday of 30 years of age. 

To be honest I didn't know what to expect but making 30 as much as it's an anticlimax it is at least something I never thought I'd see and another year to at least celebrate life. 

There's been a few challenges within the family but that's not for me to say on here. It just makes you realise how lucky you are sometimes and how much we should appreciate life. It's extremely precious. And not to be taken for granted

I have decided that in 2016 I want to try and do a triathlon

My biggest problem is confidence in myself and reality. I have been on my bike occasionally and started to run/walk but nothing serious yet but I have finials got my plans together and diet theories and what I need to do. So the serious work starts this month just like training for the bike ride did this time last year.

My biggest problem is self confidence, I'm seriously doubting whether I can even do this let complete it. I mean you may find this odd but I could get on my bike now even though I've not done any serious miles lately and I could easily go and do 20-30 miles in a couple hours on the road and I can do interval training which is planned to help me improve in speed and on hills yet I'm still getting hugely breathless walking up some stairs and generally walking up hills etc really does me in.

Two days ago I walked up a hill close to where I grew up, I used to ride and run up that thing like it was nothing but two days ago I had to walk up it slowly and keep stopping then when I made the top I was overjoyed right before it caused a huge coughing fit followed by mouthfuls of phlegm and this keeps happening. Maybe I'm just ill and with the weather being like it is I'm just struggling to stay just a tad healthy at the moment but it doesn't help me mentally.

I'm hoping to swim nearly a mile then ride 25 miles and finish with only only 7.5 mile run to complete a full Olympic distance triathlon. I'm going to have to work hard in training the bike ride taught me that but I'm also going to have to shorten my expectations to be able to do it. The bike distance is the only bit I feel happy about doing right now. I can just about run/walk 3 miles right now in 40 minutes. 

My plan is to train for the run and bike ride first do a duathlon or two in April time and then aim for a triathlon in July/August with the plan to start swimming in February once I feel happy with other parts of training and not start open water swimming until warmer weather arrives in May time but by then at least be able to swim a decent distance in a swimming pool. Ben Mcghee I will be calling you when I need someone to drag me along in the water oh I mean train with haha 

Am I aiming too high? I feel so, doesn't mean I won't try I just have to battle my mental demons if there's such a thing!!

And my mental demons stem from how I feel about my lungs or lack of as the case maybe 

It's the age old question for people with CF

Transplant or not? 

And recently I've seen people go through transplants and similar things and I admire them hugely and wish I was as brave as them and I have been hugely inspired by people's stories lately you are all amazing for doing it and coping so well,going for a better life seems like the logical and right answer I just wish I could see it like that

At the end of the day I see myself as a wimp when it comes to my health, yes I do my tablets, medicines, nebulisers and exercises and go about daily life but that to me seems normal. Doesn't mean I'm not scared of my condition, scared stiff in fact. You just learn to live with fear. Someone once said you don't know what life is until you experience fear. And fear about my condition is what makes me smile laugh and enjoy my life so much. I enjoy the good days and learn to cope with my own head on bad days. It's what makes fun days and good days even better

Funny isn't it how we all live life differently. I think mine is very weird for people looking in but it works for me, I just have to constantly reset to make sure it keeps working

I have noticed I'm rambling here but sometimes I just like to write what comes into my head

Anyway the age old question is still one I'm not prepared to answer yet. I thought I was but no not yet, it's like a never ending story.

I recently read a quote that I think fits so well

"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about, be kind"

Very apt I thought. It's also how I live, I see my situation as an example to think "what if the person I just held the door for or who helped get something off the shelf has there own demons and fighting a battle I don't know" but at least that one second was something less to worry about or made them realise not everything in this world is cruel, small mercies big differences 

Anyway I mumble again, see what my heads like nothing is in line, yet I know it's working for me somehow haha 

So back to the real situation

Mental demons or barriers as some may see it.

Day to day I can function fine, train work cook life a normal life but stick me on my own for too long and I overthink worry and maybe panic a little. They say living in your head is like your own prison mines no exception but i have learned to cope and I'm grateful for everything, it's not a curse it's a blessing, I have ways and means may sound cruel but it's that famous quote, "there's always worse things in the world" and I see it as I'm not unfortunate I'm lucky to be the person I am have the life I have and live the way I do

I live in my reality where I don't have to worry about my own reality as its already planned out for me whatever I choose j. I'm aware and quite happy to accept my life and I'm very grateful for everything and everyone in it. 

And that really is my life in a nutshell. Two paths and I'm happy to accept either. You can't change the obvious so why worry about it??!!

Life as I've written it may sound complicated to most I mean live with CF isn't simple but it's my life but I've made it simple in my own way. I don't worry about day to day or what may be coming 

It's complicated from the outside but I've made it work so I see it as simple.

Now answer this as an ending.

Would you want to experience my life for a day out of curiosity to see if it really can be simple? 

Or would you trust my words that say it's complicated in someone's head who deals with a lot but let me deal with it!! 

After all you don't have to so why should you worry.

 There's a lot of us out there who do it and I'm not silly to even think for a second to feel like I'm the only one in fact it's a comfort to know many others deal with many different things

That's life isn't it surely??

And I don't mean to say that in a harsh way it's just life

Remember

Everyone fights a battle we know nothing about 

Do you know what maybe I should study philosophy 

And that's how I live and work

Complicated but for me it's simple. You can't change what's already happened so do what makes you happy and have fun with it

I mean why worry?? 

I may be scared of life but I don't worry. I still sleep easy at night why should I not??!!

I hope this wasn't boring

For me it's fun to write and ramble with words and mutterings