Right now I've had enough of everything
I want to lock myself away and be done with this all.
I have to say this because people around me really have no bloody clue how bad I've become mentally so here it is.
The last couple months I've just thought fuck it
Why bother anymore?
And everything is beginning to annoy me
I have seriously thought I just want out.
For nearly 28 years I've put up with all the s**t CF has thrown at me and dealt with it as best I can
Well it's worn me out, wiped me out, worn me down. CF can kill in more ways than one
Three months ago my health was better than it's been in years then within a month of that great feeling cf has chucked everything at me
And it's proved its point.
3 months on I'm back to bad health and a hospital bed
Like the doctor once told me
"My job is not to make you better but to delay the obvious!"
I cannot see past THE OBVIOUS anymore
Don't get me wrong I'm not saying I'm suicidal far from it but I'm just lost
Lost to fight
Lost to reason why I do all this
Lost to see why I keep repeating my life day in day out
Lost to see why it's the same old routine
Lost to see past average
How can someone say this is the average this is what we expect?
My lung function has somehow in 3 months dropped from 2.9 fev1 to just touching 2, I've never experienced something like that drop so quick before.
I'm doing as I'm told, 5 IV treatments everyday 3 nebulisers and 2 sessions of physio but I'm struggling to see what for but I won't stop
I'm at a mental crossroads
Yes I know I'm being selfish but it's my right to be but I also understand this May anger people
Everything in my life is good I have good people around me, money has no meaning and I'm loved I think that's how life should be I couldn't ask for more in that respect
BUT
That still don't make all these things in my body stop attacking me
Maybe I should let it and dull my tones?
I'm going to see a councillor soon it's something I think I really need. Someone outside the box to look at me tell me I'm complete crackers then try sticking me back together.
I will admit I don't not wish to hurt anyone especially those close to me as I cannot live without them
I want my family and the people close to me to know I'm sorry
Sorry for being a bit of a let down right now in writing this
But sorry most of all for these feelings.
But I cannot see why I should have to live with CF that's how made mentally I feel.
I never used to question cf just got on with it, lately it's all I've done
Question question question
This blog is not a cry for help
Not at all
I'm sorting out what I need to do I've contacted who I need to for help
It is my first admission that finally I need serious correction.
My first admission that I'm at breaking point or more to the point my health has pushed me to breaking point
I'm sorry that I have written this but people who don't see it need to understand because I have not mentioned any of this to anyone I've felt like I had to hide it. Act normal enought thought in reality I realise I have been rude to some people and maybe it's been noticeable that something isn't right
I'm doing things my way
That doesn't mean I'm going to stop being me. Or change towards people or anything like that
I'm not happy in my cf life side of thing I'm just not happy with me for being how I feel right now
I've seriously thought about giving up work going bankrupt and acting like I've started life all again.
Because I feel like starting with nothing means I have nothing to lose (I don't mean throwing everything away it's metaphorically speaking)
Then and only then do I have everything to gain to try a new lease of life
This is proberly the hardest thing I've written
But I'm glad it will now be out in the open
I'm sorry for this blog
