The last few months I've been feeling great and I've fallen in love with biking. I'm slowly increasing my training I've bought all the kit to make me comfy Ive had a sports massage to sort out my aching muscles and gammy leg which helped out massively and most importantly I've put in the time, pushed the pedals and racked up the miles yet it seems I still couldn't get my lungs to improve.
On Tuesday I had a visit from the cf nurse, although I admit I been feeling a bit rough for the past week I was feeling positive and when I did the first blow I felt a false sense of security and short lived happiness when the community nurse said "your never going to believe the result"
So I go to smile and she says
Your fev1 is 1.7
And then I feel and hear the tonne of bricks falling on me
We'll eventually I got to 2 fev1 but it meant that after all my hard work and pushing pushing I've dropped some lung function okay it may sound silly as its only gone from 2.2 to 2 fev1
Now I know everyone says don't go by numbers it's about how you feel and you can have bad days but I been sweating my f##king knackers off pedalling and pushing myself to find another digit of lung function yet the numbers have gone the wrong way.
I'm gutted, I had a cry and sobbed to my fiancée max who is always amazing when I let my tears and anger out and just says the right thing when I need it but I couldn't help but feel angry and disappointed it's gutting crushing in fact and it's taken me days of thinking about it to even try to write this as I felt so let down by myself that I couldn't do anything.
Well after seeing the result I tried to scramble for answers in my head, I admitted that I sort of knew something was wrong but the numbers don't Lie.
So I ordered some antibiotics, I had a day off from pushing myself with Physio and drugs/nebs etc and started all over again.
It didn't stop me doing the bike though
Like I said on Twitter
Turn yesterday's disappointment into today's motivation.
And I pedalled like lance Armstrong just with the illegal hormones injected into me although I do regularly ply my system with legally prescribed drugs. An hour and a half later I was spewing phlegm sick and tears but I'd smiled as I covered 16 miles and instantly felt amazing.
Now I know my lungs are down but I've got antibiotics flowing into my system a smile (even if it is slightly covering the confusion and sadness) on my face and just like my max said
" we start again, try again and we've done it before you can try again"
She's right, when it comes to my health she just gets it and kicks me up the arseright when I need it
So now I'm trying again searching for that "thing" again.
If there's one line that's describes cf
It's if at first you don't succeed try try and try again.
CF is a never ending game of try again.
I mean what should I do walk away and give up?
That isn't who I am
So here's me
Getting off my sorry arse and trying again
And if I don't max will make sure she kicks me up the arse and gets me going again
Thanks max this get up and go is for you Because without it we can't do everything we've talked about
Thank you for reading
I will do my best to do it all over again
