I must blog more often
Anyway
I was recently listening to music and as I do from time to time I realised the lyrics could actually mean something to someone with cf. Not all will agree but I see it like this
The song talks about something being a piece of them which they wished they didn't need
Well to me cf is a part of me which I wish I didn't need but without It how do I know I'd be the person I am today without having gone through everything I have with cf and how much I've fought and the pain I've experienced. Everything I've gone through has helped me learn to become the person I am now. So yes I wished I didn't have it but actually I don't. I wouldn't be the all the things I am now if I didn't have cf I'm sure of it
It then talks about love being a tradegy but how it is their remedy
Well again I see this as something I can relate to cf
See for me I feel like I have to love cf!
Why?
Well because if I didn't love cf and appreciate what it does to me I'd never have the strength to fight it and put up with all the bad things it does to me
What's that saying? "If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best"
For me this is classic cf talk
You see I see it like this, I deal with cf in my way and I may moan about it and rant on tweets or Facebook about how I feel etc but I've learnt that when the goings bad I get through it no matter what it does be it taking drugs, doing physio, antibiotics or nebulisers I honestly hate doing it all like for example most people sign up to a gym go once then hate going ever again, except with cf I do all my routine everyday and I can't just give up after a day of doing it, the next day I start all over again. No matter how much I hate swallowing pills or feeling chest pains and aches or doing my nebuliser, when all that is done and if I have had a rough day or I've been ill or in hospital I think to myself
Yes I may be ill, yes my life is all physio, tablets, exercise, days of pain or days of feeling like I'm drowning in my own mucus filled lungs but no matters how many days I have like that, I know there will be one day that will come along (and it may only happen occasionally) that I feel healthy, feel good about myself and get to go out, see the world, enjoy life maybe do something fun or go for a drink or do something new, and appreciate that that day I had a good day, even if the next is a day I'm ill or in pain I will have those good days to help me move on a feel good and experienced good things.
Hence why I relate to the saying I mentioned above
And finally the song mentions insanity and clarity
Well here goes
Do you know someone who I see as an inspiration once said
"Fear, it paralyses the majority but gives clarity to some!!"
For me I do fear things but do you know what even when I fear something I still think "let's do this"
Do you know when I first signed up to gene therapy and the bronchoscopys it involved I was fearful of the outcome and what it might do to me but I still signed that paper I still did it, I even discussed with my mum if the worst was to happen, and I said it all the way through "mum if this goes wrong you know what to do". Infact at the last and final gene therapy visit and bronc that saying nearly became a true fact but that's for another blog entry. That aside I still went through with it and finished what I started. And that experience only helped me to learn more about myself and how my body is coping.
See for me fear is something I sort of enjoy, the relieve you feel after fear is like an adrenaline rush you cannot experience in any other way. And I'm sure all of you at some point have had that feeling of relieve and joy after fear and maybe even thought "I want to do it again" just like the feeling you get after going on a fair ground ride. We've all had that feeling right?
See when I think of that saying fear provides me with clarity. I don't fear death, I fear how that death will come about, the unknown! But when the unknown becomes known I will feel clarity in my dying days knowing it's coming and at the end I won't have to feel pain anymore, no more physio, tablets, IV drugs, and no more agony, and that is my clarity the end will provide me with, no more CF.
But not yet.
And the final word I took from the song
Insanity
Well this is a short explanation
I think (and you proberly think it aswell) you have to be insane to say or think any of the things I have said above.
But hey no ones perfect right??
Thanks for reading
