So how do I start?! Well 2016 was a mix of emotions and events, it started off the usual set goals, try to stay healthy, go to work, go to hospital, be a father the usual adult life you know the same routine do this, do that, don’t forget that. Just the usual Life, well a usual life for someone with an illness anyway.
The problem was something didn’t feel right for me I wasn’t my usual self I was feeling a bit lost, id lost my motivation to want things or do things in many areas like life in general, what I wanted in my life and people around me and future plans and I was starting to really resent myself and my illness and things were just brewing up inside of me.
The early part of the year me and my ex-partner also split up and went our separate ways as friends as things just didn’t seem to be working for various reasons but I won’t go into that here as that’s not what this blog is about.
Throughout May and June I was on my own wondering what to do feeling lost and drinking A LOT, I thought I was enjoying myself but in reality I think I was trying to cover up my own problems and I did some very silly things and insulted and hurt quite a few people who I cared about a long the way for which I wish I hadn’t done but I cant change the past and I can only apologise for my stupidity, whether people accept my apology or not is not up to me but luckily the understanding ones and friends in my life stuck by me and wanted to help me as I think they knew something was wrong, I was also wondering if I was better on my own, or if I would ever find anyone in the future who would want me for the person I was. I was very lost but I didn’t realise how bad things were becoming in my head. You see looking at myself I might seem like a positive person who likes to do challenges and push myself but I don’t regard myself very highly at all!
My mum described me as a ticking time bomb and she wasn’t wrong.
Then came July where everything changed for me in a very bad way but also good ways.
I had started to think that actually no one would want me in the future and as I had done so much in my life I started to think a lot about ending my life, all my head was saying was what is there to live for??!! Silly now I look back but you have no idea how I was feeling Ive never had feelings and emotions like that before.
In late july had a breakdown (I didn’t know it at the time) and one night I did my best to hurt myself. I went out got more drunk then I ever had, I swallowed stuff I shouldn’t of and went completely off the rails for a few days, I said some silly things to friends about I had had enough of life and I hurt quite few people with my stupidity for which I never meant to happen and im truly sorry to all those I put through that and to those I hurt
This is the moment where it all changed after what I will call a suicidal wobble and I had been seriously thinking about it a lot, how , why, when, what way. Luckily Some very good friends talked me out of it before I did more harm to myself and it took me quite a while to get over that and recover from what id done to myself.
The feelings I had was I didn’t want to be alone and I didn’t want to face a future of CF and I had done a lot in life so why bother trying anymore in the future?
That was how I was going to justify myself in my own mind if I did kill myself.
I don’t think I ever really wanted to do it but I felt so low that I just wanted to cause pain to myself to feel pain and see what it did like I was testing myself to do it. I don’t think words can truly describe how I felt but all I know is I never felt that way before it’s such a surreal feeling to be in that state of mind. And its extremely unpleasant. I will never go back to them feelings again I have never been that low, felt that useless or unneeded in my entire life. And I now see my causing pain towards others as a cry for help. I just wish I hadn’t inflicted my pain on others like I did. I was a truly terrible person at that time.
I now see it as my epiphany moment because it finally opened my eyes to my own problems.
Over the coming days I contacted a councillor, I went to the doctor and got some anti-depressants and I realised I couldn’t cause pain like that again to myself and especially to others.
It took me a few days of being at my worst and in pain to start to see things!
I finally admitted I needed help!!
Within days I was visiting a councillor to discuss what had happened and to try and work out why and what was going on in my head and maybe the route cause of it all.
This is where I realised how bad I had let things get in my head.
• Deep routed unhappiness with my own life
• Fear of failure
• Fear of the uncontrollable (My illness)
• Fear of not ending things on my terms
• Fear of hurting those around me
• And deciding that being on my own was better than hurt people around me
• I push people away so to prevent further pain towards others like im trying to protect people when infact by pushing people away im already hurting them with my bad temper and mood swings.
• Deciding that I could control things alone (Which I could not) and it would be better if I didn’t bother other people with my problems.
• Overthinking causing distress
• Trying to hide things from others
• All the above causing me to feel trapped and confused
• All the above caused my breakdown
• I drank a lot to try and ignore what was really going on
• Being short tempered and abusive towards people close to me because of pretty much all the above
• Not wanting to talk to anyone further adding to my bad moods and anger
• Always focusing on the negative thinking that was the way to try and fix things and then overthinking and making it worse rather than solving anything again causing anger
• Actually not missing one thing or person but actually scared of not finding people or persons that will fully understand me and stick by me when I need them the most
• Not realising that the decisions I had made were the right decisions for me but scared of change.
That’s just a short list (no really it is) of the huge list of items my councillor noted on just our first meeting.
Basically I was scared of a lot of things, was losing my will to push myself and keep going. I was pushing people away because I didn’t want anyone around me and I was losing my understanding of what it was like to just be happy no matter what was going on in life. I was becoming deeply unhappy within myself and with my illness and couldn’t see that I couldn’t see a way out I was digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole. All this was making me feel stressed and depressed and angry and short tempered and I took my anger and unhappiness out on the people closest to me and that made me push people away or people walked away from me because I couldn’t see and they couldn’t see I was in a bad place but I never even knew I felt like that, well until I went to counselling that is.
Over the coming weeks and months I spoke to my councillor twice weekly at first then weekly to work things out.
And things started to come good. With a lot of help from my councillor and support and understanding of amazing friends and family (you know who you are) I started to change I started to head back to being the happy positive person I was 10 years ago when I was at my healthiest.
I was starting to let go of the feeling of being a burden on people!
Firstly I got over my fear of being alone and just craving for company and I stopped bothering people about it. I was starting to feel happy about what my current situation was and just being myself and on my own without feeling lonely
I worked out my fear of my illnesses and I let go of the feelings of maybe ending my life. It will end whenever my body finally gives up not because I should throw it away.
I stopped focusing on negatives and started to let the negative things out of my life by looking at the positives and pulling the positives closer. I didn’t have to push the negatives away I was letting them fall away and leaving them alone.
I stopped fearing failure and realised I can only control certain things and what I cant control I cant worry about. What will be will be and theres no point worry about things unless they happen.
I started to let my emotions come out more which helped me to start coming out of the hole I had dug myself. I was starting to feel less angry and happier. I wasn’t blocking things out or bunging my emotions up I was letting it all out. I now smile more than ever but I also cry a lot but not in a bad way I just let myself feel my emotions out I let myself feel what im thinking. I don’t ignore it anymore and I feel so much better for all the tears and smiles I have regularly. Its not negative to cry I just feel more in touch with myself.
I worked out why I was overthinking and why I was becoming confused. It was because I thought I could solve everything alone and was analysing everything too much but in reality I couldn’t I needed help from someone on the outside looking in with a better understanding, someone who could solve my problems. I was just going round and round in circles and it was making me feel terrible but by getting help from the counsellor that was just what I was getting and things were starting to look better.
It took me about 2 months to let go of my anger, my confusion, my overthinking, I stopped heavy drinking to forget or ignore my problems I just went back to enjoying a drink on a night out and having fun with my friends who were so understanding and I was starting to enjoy myself enjoy the life I had. I wasn’t pushing people away I was embracing my problem and I was honest and open to people about what I had done and what I had been through. I was feeling like my old self. I was happy I wasn’t worrying or overthinking I’d let all the nuisance in my life go. I wasn’t stressing out so easy and the thoughts of breakdowns and ending things were long gone. I wasn’t thinking about my illness negatively I was just like I used to be I was pushing myself I was doing all my meds I was trying to stay healthy and if I got ill I didn’t start overthinking why it happened. I just sorted problems out as they came. I was becoming the 20 year old me. Just doing the now not worrying, smiling so much enjoying things having fun, enjoying what I had in life. I was happy being single I was happy being in my own company, I wasn’t lonely anymore. I had all the good things in life again and I knew that it was all there to enjoy and not panic or stress over.
One friend told me you have to be happy within yourself before you can be happy around or with others. And she was right. I was happy, I wasn’t looking to others to increase my happiness or find happiness or hide behind or to take away my loneliness. I knew I could be happy being single and on my own and not needing someone in my life to make me feel good. I was happy I was doing what I wanted and feeling positive about it all and feeling happy with the changes I was making in my life. If I did want to be in a relationship in the future I would do it not because I was lonely or needing someone to be there to try and feed off their happiness but because they made me feel wanted, made me happier than I already was and just wanted to enjoy life with what we already had and that I didn’t have to hide my problems from them because I wanted to protect them, I didn’t want to hurt someone again by pushing them away, I wanted understanding and help if I needed it without hiding and I wasn’t putting pressure on myself to be with that person I just wanted to find happiness without it being because I was scared of ending up alone. I wanted to find someone who brought no pressure just fun and laughs for all the right reasons not to try and hide behind. I was no longer looking for all the wrong reasons. I wasn’t searching I was just doing my own thing seeing what life had to offer. No forcing, no pressure just be happy and see what life shows you.
Getting over my short temper and moods was a huge step for me. Now nothing stresses me or makes me snap like it used to. I didn’t like the person it had made me become with my anger and temper and I can only apologise to the people who got my temper full on. I wasn’t nice to be around when I was moody. I realised during counselling I had had these temper problems for quite a while and mainly because of my own negative feelings towards myself and my illness
Using my counselling sessions I was letting my anger causing thoughts out and working out how to relieve my stress and anger and what was causing it to build up in the first place. It stems from my own dislike of myself and my illness and from me feeling like im being a burden on people. So I had to work out how to stop thinking all these thoughts and it was happening because I was overthinking everything which then caused my own confusion and then I would get angry because I couldn’t work it out then Id get angry over silly things, people would approach me at the wrong time and my anger at myself would be thrown at them. “What you doing today? Nothing fine bollox to it all” “you okay? Yes im fine do you mind” hhhmmm I was a proper stroppy selfish idiot at times. Sorry about that to those who I told to fuck off but I was no longer that person, by not feeling like a burden, by not overthinking, but not getting angry with myself and thinking how why where aye what? I was okay I wasn’t 100% but I was heading towards a better attitude no more anger and smiling a lot more, laughing, enjoying things and finally setting myself new realistic goals.
I really cant thank the counsellor enough for all the effort, hours, tears, paperwork and visits she put in to help me because of her I now there is help out there, I don’t feel ashamed no longer when I have a bad day to ask someone to help or to chat and they are always in contact with me via phone, email or in person I can always call on my counselling team when I feel Im slipping again.
And with my improvements came big changes in life in general and my own positivity.
I came off the happy pills and was fine no relapse no bad feelings, no negatives.
Finding a new goal now I was in a better place
I decided to find a new goal a new challenge to try for. I booked a place in the London to Brighton Bike ride to try and raise a few quid for the CF trust but most importantly to show myself I was okay and I could push myself for the right reasons and not because I was scared of myself. I was doing it to show myself I wasn’t a burden I was a happy person and I was going to enjoy doing it and have fun along the way. I only trained for 6 weeks to do it and I wasn’t prepared well to be honest but I wasn’t going to give up. I wasn’t fast, it hurt a lot but I did start it and I did finish it and I now have another lovely shiny medal to add to my challenge collection and im extremely proud of doing it and doing it for myself to show myself I wasn’t useless. I was here for a purpose I had a blast on that ride. Although the next day I really paid for the lack of training. I literally couldn’t move the next day. Still it was so worth it
I felt like I was back and although physically I’m not what I used to be, mentally there’s still plenty of time and life yet, I was the happiest id been towards myself and my illness since so long I cant even remember the last time I felt this happy and positive about myself. And although I now have loads of responsibilities and stresses that life brings with age I am just so happy, I am me again, that happy lad that liked to act silly, laugh, be sarcastic, take the micky out of myself, enjoy things that I had, not be so self-conscious about what I thought of myself or what others thought and I was still the caring person I always am I just feel like Jamie fox revision A.
In short terms I know now that I shouldn’t be ashamed of letting my illness affect me mentally and falling apart the way I did. I know there was contributing factors to my problems a bit like kindling to a fire but I cant change the things ive said and done now and while I am sorry to the people I hurt along the way I have come out of all the negatives a better fuller happier person with so much planned and to look forward to that im now excited about what I can do in the future and ill keep everyone updated on what I do as the months pass.
Anyway I digress
By this point in 2016 with everything feeling good for me and happy that I had started to change for the better and I was off the happy pills and just generally feeling carefree and just enjoying life I had sort of forgotten about what was fast approaching, my holiday had arrived and I went away with my family to Cyprus. There was 9 of us in total in the most beautiful location in our own villa with a pool and one hell of a view of the sunset in the evenings it felt like the perfect place to just relax and may be make a fool of myself once or two when I drank my own body weight in alcohol (well I was on holiday after all and alcohol on holiday always tastes better haha). We’ve all had our ups and downs over the last few years each of us fighting our own health battles or recovering from health issues and losses in life but with the stars aligned we were all lucky enough to be in the same place at the same time relaxing and having a very precious family holiday. And it felt like the perfect ending to a challenging year it was like going through a horror film and then walking in to alice in wonderland. It just felt like it was always meant to go that way id go through hell but be supported all the way and to welcome me when I had won the race would be the people who had supported me the most. My family
This year my family have really been my rock, my support and held me up when I wanted to fall down each and everyone of them supportive and understanding and even though they all had their own problems they all helped me and I can’t thank all of them enough for their love and support and I will always feel extremely lucky to have a family like mine. The holiday was a dream come true and I want to thank them for all that they all did and especially my mum and dad, despite what I did and put them through they never became disappointed by my actions but were just waiting to step in and help when the time was right and they been like that since the day I was born. They deserve a medal for putting up with me. Even at 31 years of age they still drop everything to be there for me. And my relationship with my parents is closer now than it has ever been. I still don’t think I truly realise how lucky I am to have parents and family there for me like I do.
When I was on holiday we had a family photo together in some magical places and it made my thoughts turn to how I would describe our family
We are just an ordinary family, Who’ve been through extraordinary experiences and we’ve all come out the other side closer and more supportive than eve. I’m very proud and lucky to be propped up by this lot when I feel like falling.
To my family and to my mum and dad I just simply want to say thank you for never giving up on me when I had given up on myself. I love you all so much and I never say thank you or I love you enough and sorry for the stress I caused in over the past 12 months trust me I won’t ever fall that low again but its because of all of you that I came back up and changed.
And to my friends who supported me aswell thank you especially to my closest and best life long friends and here’s to many more adventures together and fun and laughs in the future. Thank you aswell for helping me on the worst weekend I fell apart. You showed me so much when I felt so small.
So after holiday was over it was back to planning a few adventures, wanting to enjoy more holidays and even a few surprises.
And Surprises I hear you read, oh yes well in November I was asked by the hospital If I’d be interested in doing some more drugs trials. Without even thinking I of course said yes without even knowing what it was for. And I went for my screening visit and I’m so happy to say that in December I started a new drug as part of the 2 part trial and part 2 will start in January 2017. I can’t talk about it as I’m not allowed to but it was better than a lottery win with the drug I’m on and about to trial it could be a real turning point for me. Life changing, life altering, and life extending more importantly it gave me another boost to keep pushing against CF and the damage it is trying to inflict on me. I feel incredibly lucky to have been picked as so few will get this chance and I intend to make the most of any improvement I might get from taking part. I know the last trial I did ended badly with me being rushed to A&E due to some very adverse events but it hasn’t put me off. I’m sorry in advance to my family for any stress it causes but I know why I keep doing these things, I never want to feel stagnant towards my illness and if taking part in trials give me a chance to maybe gain a health boost and feel like I’m contributing towards progression no matter what it does to me good or bad I will always take part. I want to feel like I’m giving back to the doctors and CF trust in the way they have given me so much by treating me over the years and helping me to survive year on year and if I can give back to the people who try to give us so much even in some small way then I would like to keep doing trials while I’m still healthy enough to keep taking part. So for the next 6 months I’m looking forward to learning more about myself and my health during the trial. It’s one thing I’ve learnt is CF never stops trying to hurt you and you never stop learning about its pains and effects it has on us and I have a very keen interest to learn as much as I can if it helps me to improve in some small way it’s a bonus and I’m always open to learning about myself and what is affecting me.
I had also decided a few other things. For quite a few years I had wanted to have another child, a little brother or sister for my daughter Keira. I know she would make an amazing big sister but for a while my mind had started to change and throughout counselling my change of mind was becoming clearer. I realised that do you know what I am so happy in life and I don’t want another child in the future. I just want to enjoy life as it is now and with my ever changing health I’m not sure I want to put myself through the stress of it all and IVF would never be a quick process (as I wouldn’t be able to do things naturally) and I want to share all my adventures with my daughter Keira, I want her to come and enjoy some of the world with me just me and her and on family holiday adventures. I want her to see the world and doing that together would be hugely pleasing and is something Ive always wanted to do. And if I had another child me and Keira couldn’t do that together or at all. I’m very lucky to have Keira and she is all I want as a father. She’s always been my number one lady in my life since she first came in to my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way and I want her to know she is my number one and feel like it’s just me and her. So in the future Keira & I will be going on adventures all over the world together. She deserves everything I can give her and I want her to know how truly special she is to me and how thankful I am to her for making fatherhood so utterly enjoyable having her as my daughter is a once in a lifetime adventure that I want us to make even more fun than it already is.
Anyway let’s move on, where was I oh yes to 2017,
In 2017 I’m planning quite a lot:-
• I’m doing a wing walk (March/April)
• I want to complete a triathlon (May & August)
• I’m going back to Cyprus (October)
• I want to visit Mexico for day of the dead (October)
• I want to take my daughter to New York (December/January)
Possibilities
• Thailand or Vietnam
• Another huge physical challenge which I haven’t quite decided on yet
All the above I am working and saving hard to make happen and with my new found determination I know I will do everything on my list.
So how has 2017 started?
Very good indeed in fact, I’m enjoying the new drugs trial and looking forward to starting part 2 and learning more and more about myself and my illness to see if I can improve myself mentally and physically. I’ve finished my intensive counselling sessions and I’ve decided to have a few months break because at the moment I’m in such a happy feel good place that I felt that counselling had done its job and at present it couldn’t progress any further because I had got so much out and feel I’ve leant new and better ways to cope when I feel down or start overthinking again. I think someone once said I now have the tools to cope with anything life throws at me. So I’ve taken time off and see how I get on with my new found positivity and having released myself of all the negative thoughts and actions I felt like I wanted to see if all the talking, planning and changes were working and so far I’ve not had a bad day in months and everything I’ve learnt has worked just fine and I don’t see that changing any time soon. I put so much effort in to putting good changes in place and learning about myself that I just know I won’t go back to a dark place again. And I have a great support network in place should I need any further advice or help. I’m very positive about the future thanks to the help and changes that I’ve worked hard to put in place.
The Next big challenge
I’ve also started training for the next big challenge. To complete an Olympic distance Triathlon.
I’m under no illusion how hard taking on a triathlon will be especially the training and physical demands even more so with my bloody crappy lungs but I have 5 months to train for a sprint triathlon and 8 months to train for the full distance and I’m looking forward to the pushing of limits, training, the pain, the fear of failure but whatever happens I’m going to give it my all and even if I have to crawl over the finish line I will do it and add another shiny medal to my collection and my pride. The biggest fear I have is swimming in open water. Cycling I’m fine and the run I will crawl to finish if I have to but swimming a mile in open water is what scares me most I know it sounds silly but a mile is a long way and what I hate most is not knowing what is beneath my feet, even when I go in the sea in a beautiful hot country with crystal clear water if I put my foot on a mouldy rock or seaweed I will scream like a girl, I hate that feeling. So wish me luck and I hope you will all sponsor me in what will definitely be my biggest challenge attempt to date. And of course the money I raise will be going to the CF Trust. My aim is to try my best to better my fundraising total of 3k from the 100 mile bike ride in 2015 and I hope you will all support me in helping me surpass that total and push me over the finish line.
So how do I end this blog?
Well im not too sure to be honest but I have tried my best to put my trials and tribulations in to words and I hope you enjoyed reading it and I didn’t waffle on too much. I’d like to say thank you to everyone who has helped me over the past 12 months, the CF team, the counselling team who have an absolute saviour to pull me out of the hole I was in and digging further down I owe you and huge amount of thanks for helping me go back to the happy person and positive person I once was without falling into my complicated self-conscious person I had become and especially thank you to the friends who helped me along the way, stuck by me when I fell apart and offered support and advice to show me it was okay to be broken and I shouldn’t be ashamed to ask for help. And finally to my family Im sorry for everything I put you through this year but thanks for always lifting me back up when I don’t have the will or strength to stand on my own two feet.
Simply Thank you to all who have been there for me and positive influence on my not just in 2016 but for many years before that your all one in a million and I couldn’t ask for better people around me.
So happy new year to all and I want to keep pushing and trying to achieve difficult things in 2017.
