Recently I had a big change in my life when someone close to me recently left my life. (No one has died but I won't go in to detail)
Whether it's the right thing to happen in my life I won't say but I never cope with changes in my life like this whether it's right or wrong I never cope with big changes well it's just the person I am overthinking over worrying I hate change.
With this in mind I generally find solace in having a big blow out to try and compensate. That blow out has come in the form of stress and alcohol
People say I look fine but I have a very good poker face. For nearly four weeks now I've been out drinking when I've had free time and I've made quite an idiot of myself. I mean don't get me wrong I enjoy going out with mates and I've had some laughs and some very caring friends but I'm the sort of person who only used to drink and going out like every few months and that was it and I'm not the type to drink at home and all I've done every week for four weeks is go out and drink when I'm on my own. Filling time
Don't get me wrong I've put the odd training session in to do some new challenges but I've lost my focus on them goals and I'm just not quite ready to stop my blowout yet
In time I know things will be fine and everything happens for a reason but I still always need to time adjust its just the person I am.
I'll be okay I always sort myself out. Time is what I need.
My health has been up and down lately recently too (yes yes I know drinking will never help it blah blah) and it's made me realise a lot. I'm not the positive person I once was about cf. don't get me wrong I'm not letting my routine slip I'm still doing all my tablets and nebulisers but lately my head has gone to happy with my health especially after my recent hospital check ups showed good progress to knowing I'm closer to my end than my beginning and that has affected me massively, I can't shake it
Don't get me wrong I'm not scared of my obvious ending I just can't stop thinking about it and it's making me see things so much differently.
Like I'm now set on being on my own is better because it affects less people in the future. You know no plans no worries of what may come when I don't plan on anything to arrive.
I'm an idiot with how I think things through but its the way I learn to cope although I never learn really when it comes to getting things right
But it is my short life and I'll always live it how I see fit and if it means I take my time, drink too much and damage my health before I come out the other side then that's what will happen.
I've never been one to know when to stop I've been one to get things wrong but never to rush when it comes to sorting myself out. My councillor has got one hell of a job on her hands and I think she has realised that over the past two weeks of multiple conversations I really feel sorry for her having to deal with me haha but like she says my journey to new beginnings insane even started yet.
Wow I've waffled on haven't I, you can just tell from what I've written how scrambled my head is. See this is why I write so I can type absolute rubbish but feel better for it. Although whether Its working is debatable
Anyway I digress
My head is like a puzzle with missing pieces but even though pieces are missing you can still see the picture. Isn't that a strange way to view your own life?!
In fact that proberly fits my life perfectly
Anyway for now I'm happy just being an idiot until the time comes when I realise somethings wrong or my body tells me to sort it out
Sorry I waffled on.
And secondly sorry to all the people I've hurt and offended lately. If you'll understand it's just my way of sorting myself out. Until then here's to idiocy stupidity and possibly never learning but it's how I've always lived
Thanks for reading if you've got this far
