My Health will always come first

I felt this blog needed writing because I have had this pent up frustration about how I feel ive been looked at and frowned at in the past for my choices 

I don't know why this is so hard for some people to accept that have been a part of my life in the past but my health will always come first. Yes some find that hard to understand but let me explain in details as that just sounds like a silly statement to make without examples and support to back it up

So in this blog I'm going to have a rant about the negatives ive experienced and then show why you should always hold on to the positive people around you 

People will knock you even those close to you

In the past ive always had many supportive people around me from family to close friends even strangers who have all been lovely to me and supported me and even sponsored me with the many challenges ive done and I don’t think thank you can ever cover how grateful I am to those people in my life

BUT

And here comes the but 

Ive had some people in my life even some who were supposed to love and support me question why I put so many hours in to my challenges training and trying to raise awareness of cystic fibrosis and why I want to try and inspire others.

And it has always confused me why people have acted like that towards me

Ive had people in the past say to me “oh but why do you put so many hours in to your physical training ive not seen much of you lately” and ive even had some people get cross with me if ive been training or changed plans because ive felt ill and needed to train to try and help fend off a bug or just to make me feel better physically and also mentally. 

The people who have done this to me ive removed from my life, made sacrifices because if they cant see why I'm doing it then why should I bother having to keep explaining it?

Why do I do so much for my health and charity and to try and raise awareness?

It simple if I don’t go to the gym or go swimming or go out on my bike I couldn’t keep fighting against cystic fibrosis I would fall sick quicker and then not have the strength to fight against infections which could take longer to recover from or even worse, the next chest infection could kill me. So its simple

I put the effort in to stay alive for longer. Its not for fun or vanity, its a serious but simple statement. I put the hours in so I can get more hours out of life itself. 

Yes sometimes I go to the gym or disappear for a few hours on my bike or lake swimming but I do it not just for myself but also so others can benefit from more time with me if they so wish to do so.

Its not like im disappearing to the pub or on the lash for days on end. Im trying to stay alive.

And thats why im annoyed by people who have moaned at me in the past. They want me around for longer and say things like “oh you’ll live for years yet “but then used to get the hump if I was busy with training. I cant live for longer if I don’t get on with things and try and stay healthy.

What is it people want from me? They want me to live longer! Yet ive had people get angry at me and take digs for me when ive said im going training. Its simple logic 

IF you want me around for longer you are going to have to give me and time and support I need to be able to have my own time to go training, to go to the gym, to go running, to go biking, to go swimming.

On the positive side and how I flip these niggles in to driving me on, I hate when someone moans at me because I want to do something good for my health and when I get annoyed with people like that ive known myself to go and train harder and for longer.

One day I can remember doing an indoor bike session I was at home alone on my turbo trainer putting in a few miles and someone I was with at the time came to my house and moaned and was like “do you ever stop pedalling on that bloody bike?” So you know what I did the next day cancelled our plans and I went out on a 4 and half hour bike ride and did something like 50 miles because I was so angry I didn’t want to be around anyone incase I snapped and said something I regretted.

Maybe this is why ive chosen to be single for so long?

Truth is Im very picky when it comes to choosing people that I want in my life and theres good reason for it. 

In the past people Ive loved and thought loved me gave me the feeling at times that they couldn’t have given two shits to what I was doing with my physical challenges and how I wanted to try and help others be it through health campaigns with the CF trust or raising money for charity or trying to just raise awareness of my illness. 

And do you know what it took me a long time to realise who were the negative people in my life and to say thanks but no thanks I don’t want to know you anymore. 

I used to find it hard to see these things and get rid of negatives but as ive got older and wiser ive found it easy to put myself first. It was something I struggled to do for many years and I could never see it until certain things happened in my life. People may find this silly but one thing I did which id never done before was go for a tarot card reading and it really opened my eyes to things. She basically said theres nothing good coming of my life when I never put myself first and im scared to push the wrong people away. And it made me think a lot about that and although I kind of already knew that it made me think “if someone I don’t even know thinks im being stupid and hiding and not being myself then why couldn’t I see that?”

What have I done to change that and push negative things away?

So over the last few years ive done many things to change my life into something full of positives even when im feeling down or negative about myself or my situation I always have positive things to be able to feed off and pick myself back up again.

Over the last couple years ive sacrificed a lot of things, Firstly theres the training I sacrificed time with friends and loved ones and even relationships to put my health first and make plenty of time to go training and stick to a good plan that I feel benefits my health and not one of my friends has moaned when ive said no to things because im out on my bike or im at a swimming session. Ive given up on love and even ended relationships because I felt like always I wasn’t being shown what I was giving and because some people just couldn’t support what I wanted to do with my life be it on purpose or some they didn’t even know they were pushing me away but I wasn’t going to be somebodies mug. Why should I give someone my time when they cant let me have a little of my own to stay healthy so I can be around for them longer?

I mean they could of come with me if they wanted to and do some fitness things together would have been nice. Or even sat and supported me and enjoyed a nice walk whilst I went running in front. Not hard to give someone a bit of encouragement and support is it.

And Ill be honest ive not found that yet. I get some people don’t do it on purpose but id like to have someone like that in my life. Like I say being part of my life isn’t always easy and its not for everyone. 

I need someone with a strong heart. The faint may not apply within haha

Being in my life isn’t for everyone its not easy and I can be difficult but thats because if I don’t feel loved and supported then it isn’t going to end well for that person they wont be in my life for long.

Ive changed a lot of my negatives and ive started letting more positive people in to my life. I was never arrogant but sometimes I didn’t appreciate what amazing things friends and family and even strangers gave me in terms of support and love but now I feed off it.

I regularly bore people with fitness posts and videos about how my training is going for new challenges and although some people joke and say christ you post a lot of rubbish they are also the first people when im having a bad day to say “please rest up take care of yourself and tell me how strong I am and I cant thank all you lovely people enough for the messages ive received the phone calls ive had and cards and donations to my causes that give me such a boost so I want to say a simple line here.

Thank you to each and everyone of you friends and strangers alike that send me messages of love and support they are all gratefully received and used as motivation to keep pushing myself and to stay positive none of you are forgotten and every message of support is read with love and a smile.

I also wont listen to negative people who mock me or knock me for what im trying to achieve. Be that strangers, friends or even people who are supposed to be close to me or love me, Negative hits used to really affect me but over time I have grown strong against it and now I find it very easy to say no to negative people and use it as motivation be it people who I thought were friends and even dates ive had if I don’t get a good feeling or someone doesn’t fill me with good vibes to make me think yep they’ll support me through good and bad ill not even consider a future date with that person. Sometimes I get that others have things going on in their life too and if I think things wont work just because we cant support each other I realise its best to go our separate ways as in times of bad health I may not be able to be the person they need and vice versa. Its all about finding the right balance and sometimes that isn’t anyone ones fault its just best to leave it instead of try for the wrong reasons. Im not a horrible man I just know what I feel strongly about and what im looking for.

If you cant support what I do why should I let you even be in my life or listen to your opinion if its just disrespectful.

Why have I stayed single or not let myself get close to someone? Or let a new partner in to my life over the last few years

Its simple really ive become strong willed and more decisive in what im looking for because of past partners and dates that have turned into negatives or not supported me.

Like the example I gave earlier ive dated people who have shown no interest in what im doing and not even given me a little bit of support on days where ive needed it and even had people who I thought loved me actually get cross with me because im trying to improve my health and keep fighting fit. 

And its those people who have made me become really cautious when it comes to dating people and allowing people in to my life

Infact I'm grateful for the bad experiences ive had because its just helped me to see things in a better way and not waste my time on things that will end up going nowhere or that could hurt me. 

And even people I used to date or were partners still think they know what I go through just because they knew me at some point in my life when the truth is they paid hardly any attention back then to what I was going through or how I was trying to better myself then so how would they even know what its like now when my health has changed so much over recent years? 

Truth is they have an opinion that I wish not to listen to and I don’t need look for those kind of people in my future plans either. 

I want a simple life with someone who isn’t going to put me down. 

But I wont just pick anyone for the sake of it. Im in no rush im not one of these people who can jump from person to person, I an very analytical I look at everything in my own way and ill take my time until I have the right answers or have any problems figured out in my head.

I dont want to force myself to find love, I just want it to happen with the right person without looking for it. The best things always turn up when you least expect it.

My life is complicated enough so I don’t need someone coming in and not being understanding of my faults and understanding why I do all the training things I do and why I want to try and help others be it through my honest blog posts or through social media or through charity challenges trying to raise a few quid to help others.

Why is it so hard to understand that I just want to try and stay healthy and fight against my illness for as long as possible and try and give something positive back to others. 

I didn’t get to where I am today without help and I want to give something back by helping others in need be it in a small or a big way Im not looking for a running partner or a swim buddy or a saddle lover to go on rides with. 

I just want a simple relationship that when things get complicated they just hold my hand and when im well and I want to improve myself so I can fight against my illness for longer they’ll just say “okay have fun and ill see you when you get back” Not come in and moan because I have my running shoes on or because im many miles away from home on my bike because the only reason I do all my fitness stuff and challenges isn’t just to benefit me its to benefit people around me. I cant love someone when im dead can I? 

But by doing all my challenges ill be around longer to enjoy a fulfilled life with someone 

Give me the time I need and ill give those kind people around me all the free time I have to enjoy a laugh and make life fun.

I dont ask a lot although some people im sure make out like im asking the earth 

When all I ask from anyone in my life be it friends loved ones or new people and strangers in my is a bit of support and most importantly understanding or at least trying to understand what I go through.

I have good days and bad days, strong times and times when im weak. And when the good is here I can give people in my life the best I have to give but when im down or sick or tired and feeling a little lost I won’t ask much of anyone in my life and sometimes I hide a lot but if someone can just look at me in my darkest hours and try and shed some light on what im dealing with then thats all I can really ask for.

People ive now moved out of my life I did so because I felt they either could not cope with what my future was going to bring, the good and bad. I don’t want to be a burden on people and thats how ive felt with some people around me in the past and I moved myself out of those situations to see more positives in the things I do in my life, to make things feel more fulfilled for myself.

A little understanding goes a long way to making my life feel easier when im trying to be there for others even if im struggling myself.  

When I'm in my darkest moments don’t block out the light. 

When Im laughing I hope you can laugh with me 

Its taken a long time but I feel I have good reasons to push negatives away and not let bad people drag me down. I only want t feel good things , like support, kind words, warm embraces, loving people

Ive become stronger from those negative experiences and ive learnt a lot

One day I will have to cry my last tears and all I want is to see those I have allowed in my life to give me one last smile and support my last moments with no bad feelings

Only love

Living with CF is an ever evolving Challenge

So this year is certainly turning in to quite a challenge to get my CF under control and to be honest I was starting to lose faith even in my own ability to keep pushing and trying to get myself sorted.

Its now July and the last few months have been a tad tricky to put it lightly.

Heres a summary of my recent events.

December 2017/January 2018 complete a course of IV antibiotics (my first in nearly 2 and a half years which im very proud of) 

End of January take a course of Oral antibiotics.

March, take a course of oral antibiotics

End of April fall ill AGAIN and have to start ANOTHER course of IV Antibiotics.

Two weeks in to this course my lung function was back to 1.8 or approx 50% and things looked good although for some reason I just still didn’t feel right and felt things still hadn’t cleared so I talked with my doctors and agreed to do an extra week as a precaution to make sure the infection had definitely been given a good beating

3 weeks of IV treatment and my lung function drops to 1.6 (approx 45%) and im just sat there amazed that things of dropped and there doesn’t seem to be any reason for it to happen. I feel okay but I can still feel within myself that something isn’t quite right.

SO off I go for two weeks thinking maybe its just because I didn’t push myself enough with all my physical exercise and training so ill go and work a bit harder.

And guess what? Nothing works, 2 weeks later im back at hospital for a check up and my lung function has dropped to 1.5 Fev1 (approx 42%) so I start ANOTHER course of oral antibiotics.

I leave the hospital do my two weeks course but over the course of the two weeks I feel myself becoming more and more sick by the day, im exhausted and struggling just to get through the day without falling asleep and even simple things like going up and down stairs are difficult and I cannot do any physical exercise at all. I just know somethings a miss Ive had this gut instinct ever since the third week of IV treatment that something was being missed.

This is where the mental exhaustion and beating really take its toll. You just go in to overdrive in your head.

Whats going on?

What have I missed?

What have I done Wrong?

Is it me causing the problem?

Is there permanent damage?

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON?

So after six weeks of going through IVS and oral antibiotics and multiple check ups and tests and looking through results I feel and im sure the doctors feel at a lose. What is causing me so much grief?

Can you see why living with CF is a constant headache especially when things aint going well.

I was really struggling to find any positivity in all this. I mean there wasn’t any positivity at all.

I’d gone from feeling sick in April doing all the treatments and tests and exercise to now being nearly the end of June and feeling 10x worse than I did before I even did the IVS.

What the, oh I cant tell you how frustrating this all feels even typing this now it makes me angry.

So I go back to the hospital AGAIN about the 3rd week in June and I walk in do my lung function and well surprise surprise its bloody dropped AGAIN im now down to 1.4FEV1 (approx 40%)

I could feel it was going to happen but im still deflated. Its the question thats been keeping me awake and causing my some anger WHAT IS GOING ON?

And then, a feeling of hope as my CF nurse turns to me and says “ So I can see your not happy, We have found something in your sputum test we did the other week, MRSA is showing up in your sputum results again”.

And all of a sudden all the sickness and feelings of tiredness and exhaustion and the coughing and the way it made me feel starts to make sense. Im feeling how I did when I last grew this infection when it knocked me on my arse a few years back, the only good thing was it wasn’t quite as bad in its symptoms like it was last time, I mean last time I grew MRSA on the lungs I was pretty much stuck in bed for a couple weeks, the only reason I can think I wasn’t in this situation in fact im convinced the reason why I had been able to keep going for so long when clearly the MRSA had been kicking me for quite a few weeks (i think ive had the infection since I was on IVS) is because I'm on Orkambi which has been a real life changer for me. Anyway thats a story for another day. 

All I will say now is Orkambi needs to be made available to every eligible CF patient.

Anyway as soon as the CF nurse says that I feel a little relief to finally have an answer to the constant question thats been causing me so much grief but im still cautious. 

But in my normal stubbornness I immediately reply “ I don’t want to do IV treatment I don’t think I can handle it right now Im knackered”. I honestly cant put in to words how low and down I felt about the possibility of doing a third IV Stint within the space of 7 months. And luckily I think the CF nurse had already seen this coming as they tell me they’ve already put a plan together for me to do an oral antibiotic course to try and eradicate the MRSA infection but If it doesn’t work then I will need to do IVS.

This means 8 weeks of tablets but honestly I didn’t care about how long it would be for I was just happy to have a plan in place and answers to why I was feeling ill and more importantly hope that I can finally start to turn things around and have something to try and tackle this infection and try to get back to being me.

8 weeks is a bloody long time but its given me plenty of time to plan for exercise training and with the help of the tablets hopefully get better and work towards getting my 50% lung function back.

Ill be honest I was right at the end of my tether with it all and I was really struggling to keep faith that things would get sorted. I was feeling down and out. 

Living with CF is an utter head fuck at times, Im not sure I can put in to words how it takes me feel sometimes when im in a situation like this.

Any way I leave hospital and I think “fuck it im glad I know whats lurking down there, A couple days rest to let these tablets kick in then im getting off my arse and im getting back in to training for my swim challenge to September”

I take a few days out and to be honest the tablets kind of knocked me ut at first I pretty much slept ALOT whilst still trying to work and handle life in general. I do the zombie look quite well I think.

And more importantly In the first couple days I get my gym membership sorted and put together an ambitious training plan to push myself over the next few weeks to try and give these tablets the best chance possible to work and hopefully start to work their magic on my lungs.

Lets cut a long story short (yes I know ive waffled on already)

So im now 2 weeks in to the 8 weeks oral antibiotic treatment plan and I had to visit hospital for a check up and to see how im getting on. I definitely feel like ive improved and im working my arse off in the pool with my swim training to get ready for september. Don’t get me wrong Im still a long way off feeling myself especially mentally but I feel things are on the up but I was still cautious 

I walk in to hospital after having had virtually no sleep and feeling knackered, im still struggling with exhaustion but not to the degree I was two weeks ago.

Whenever I go to hospital its always the same feeling of nerves but I always enjoy seeing the CF team and chatting about things.

We discuss how im feeling and the usual questions we have to go through. Hows your bowels? Are you coughing? Whats your phlegm like? Headaches? Appetite?

I am getting random headaches a lot at the moment and dizzy spells but I can at least say my phlegm has reduced and is moving easier, im still tired but my body is dealing with a lot so thats bound to happen. The headaches are a tad concerning but the team will keep a close eye on me and my liver levels are still hoovering a bit higher than they’d like but thats a work in progress and for the foreseeable future I have given up drinking because I know my liver is ever so slightly important and it needs all the help it can get (notice my slight sarcasm there) plus after drinking im suffering with a kind of vertigo feeling which is a bit worrying so the doctors advise not to drink on the tablets as they are quite strong and more than likely causing the problems im feeling.

I dont intend to try drinking at least until ive finished my antibiotics. (Although if England make the world cup final I may just have to suffer with the vertigo feeling after celebrating the final, its worth the risk haha)

And I tell the team ive managed quite a bit of exercise the last two weeks and noticing an improvement physically and within myself im feeling positive but ill stay reserved until I do my lung function.

So out comes the lung function machine and I choose to blow the candles out as im blowing (dont ask)

Anyway lets cut a long story short. My results show that finally FINALLY that after all these weeks and months of trying and failing and my lung function slowly decreasing I may have finally changed the pattern of things.

My results show that my lung function is back to 1.6FEV1 or for me in simple terms its back to 45%.

Have I finally reversed this downward trend? I Let myself have a little smile. A small victory in this moment after many months of feeling lost and losing my patience with it all.

I was really starting to feel defeated. Actually I was feeling more than that. I wasn’t starting to lose faith in myself and wondering what I was doing wrong. Why couldn’t I stop things getting worse??

So many emotions had been going through my mind over the last few weeks and months I was becoming resigned to negativity. And its hard to come back from that. Im just lucky that I have some many positives to draw strength from and somehow even when Im down something refuses to let me stay feeling like that an inner strength that seems to come out of me when up against the odds.

Its difficult to explain how that makes me feel when im going through all that but even when im down after. Short period of time things seems to change and I start to bring myself back up.

I think it may be anger. Im not saying im an angry person on the outside but inside me when things are not going my way something inside me builds up and pushes me to get up and push myself. People say to me slow down rest up and get better but thats not what im about I cant sit down and do nothing because mentally I feel like im not doing something to help myself. Even if it could be bad for me I have to be doing something, I have to be moving.

And it seems that this attitude of mine to never stop is just starting to come good again.

Its been a long long few months and weeks on these new tablets worrying things were never going to work and mentally I was beat especially at the thoughts of having to do more IVS, im just not strong enough yet to do it. And thats why I would rather do the tablets for 8 to 10 weeks than IVS for 2 weeks. Whilst doing those tablets I still have the freedom to go train and workout and id rather push myself training physically and feel my body ache from trying too hard than feel the mental pain IVs makes me feel.

I just hope the next few weeks that attitude pays off and gives me the results I want or ill have no choice but to do IVS. I just wont prepare myself for that as that would be like conceding defeat.

Thanks for reading

Is 2018 going to be a bogey year for my health?

Its now June 2018 and I thought id try put in to words how the first five months of 2018 have gone?

In Short 

Definitely not to plan!

In brutal honest words

F**king Disaster

Why?

Well, in the first five months of 2018 Ive had 2 stints of IV antibiotics.

So why do I think this year is going to be a bit of a bogey year for my health? Simple. Up until December 2017/January 2018 I hadn't had a single hospital admission or IV treatment in 2 and a half years.

Since December 2017/January 2018 I've had two lost of ivs, a total of 6 weeks of IV antibiotic treatment, 3 or 4 doses of Oral antibiotics and I'm on steroid treatment.

And to be truthfully honest I still don't think ive cleared all the nastiness in my chest.

After nearly 3 years of great well a good run of health I suppose I had to have a bad year eventually. Maybe it is the start of worse things. Time will bring all answers.

Since the end of the first stint on IVs in January I thought "Right lets get back to keeping fit, lets push for a new challenge" but truth be told I still didn't feel up to it. I didn't feel physically or mentally in the right place. Whats really happened in the period between January and beginning of may i've had every infection, cold, cough and bug you can think of. Ive never really had a break or a rest and ive constantly been asking for Oral antibiotics. And nothing seems to have worked and I just couldn't shift things. So May arrived and I had to ask for help. I started IV treatment again and after another 3 weeks of treatment I feel about 80% back to where I was.

And then BOOM it's going downhill AGAIN

I suspect ive lost a little bit more of my lung function, in-fact the results show ive lost a little bit of lung function

Less than 2 years ago I was 55% or 2.1FEV1 and despite keeping kit last year I dropped to 50% or 1.9FEV1 and now I'm down to 47% or 1.8FEV1

And in-fact I had hospital the other day and for the last 3 weeks my Lung function has got above 1.6Fev1 or approx 44% 

It's not a huge change and infect I'm hovering between 1.6 and 1.8Fev1 (44-47%) depending how I feel and how much training ive done.

And there lies a big problem


To maintain a good lung function for me it takes huge physical effort to keep my lungs going as best as they can and thats where i've been struggling mentally.

Being sick for the best part of 6 months without feeling much better until recently has really affected me mentally, quite a lot more than I initially realised until recently.

Because of how I felt physically it put me down mentally and I pretty much gave up training for anything at all except the odd session, the odd bike ride, the odd swim here or there. I just didn't feel good enough to do anything really physical and mentally I wasn't in the game to be strict with myself and kick myself up the arse. I felt done it. Mentally exhausted.

I need a reset But not rest.

So I changed a few things, given certain things up, certain negative things, i'm going back to talking to a counsellor and trying to get all my books in order in my head.

Ive only started doing this within the last month so I'm a work in progress but starting IVS in may did at least help me to start finding the bug to aim for a new challenge so ive started swim training in the pool and open water swim as I'm hoping if my health plays ball that I will be able to take on a 2 mile open water swim in September.

Its taken me the best part of 6 months to start finding the training bug again, I was just worn out from last years training for the triathlon and I had to take time off it really battered me mentally last year just concentrating on nothing but training for the best part of 9 months in 2017 and I had to stop I was worn out. And thats where all the problems started. I stopped pushing myself and I got ill and its taken me all this time to recover physically and especially mentally to think I can even take something on again.

The mental sides been the toughest part.

Watching my health drop and struggling to get it back up has really played with my mind. In my head if I stop doing physical challenges I really believe id only be around a few more years before id have to make some important decisions about my health or worse.

Watching my Lung function drop like a stone and just not fully recover has been a mind muddle. Ive had to totally rethink how I go about things and how I can keep slowing the progression of CF down in my lungs. I am slowly learning (with help) to learn to cope with how I see things in my ow mind

Im a realist I know I can never stop my lungs from getting worse but I'm trying to work out the best balance to keep myself happy, not wear myself out and still train for fun challenges that benefit my health and to slow my lung depreciation down. The longer I can keep it going the better.

And this is where the mental side of it has been the real crux of things

We can never stop learning, never stop changing and trying new things for the better. Sometimes we get it wrong but I try to learn from that and find things that do benefit me.

Ultimately my head is still a muddle in terms of how I really see my future with CF. Obviously I do a pretty good job at just not paying attention to that negative side of things but its never easy and its never far away. It's coping with this part of it that I'm forever changing. And currently really struggling with.

Why? When the chips are down I struggle not to stay away from those kind of thoughts.

Ive already accepted that 2018 is going to be a bad year for my health and maybe it could be more long term, I mean Im well aware things will go down on a permanent decline eventually and that part of it got it in to my head. How will cope with that as I go along? The bit I can't work out? WHY? How bad?

Now before people think "oh you sound negative this isn't good"

I want to say first I'm not negative. Well, yes I'm down at the moment but I'm not negative in the long run. I have a list of things to do a way to change, to try and figure things out. I kind of always do.

Im still struggling with the numbers, I'm analytical man and it's my day job to analyse numbers, it's the only way I can see things and watching my lung function numbers drop and float around isn't helping me but I'm talking to someone about that. And I can feel when things ain't right and I don't have a good feeling about things but I will keep working at things till I feel like it's going the right way.

The problem for me comes from my period of stable health. I had stable health for over 2 years no real drop no physical decline, I didn't get one major infection in all that time and I felt unstoppable and I think I got a false sense of security from that.

Seeing my health stable for so long was new to me I hadn't experienced that for over 10 or 15 years. So it kind of knocked me to watch myself and my results fall and so far this year not 100% recover what I thought I could. And I still can't seem to get back on the right path despite trying so many different things and constantly talking with doctors to figure things 

But it will happen. I'm getting help, I'm back talking to a counsellor friend of mine and she's helping me understand things.

Im going to be forever a work in progress mentally and physically

One thing I will say to everyone is never hide your problems. If you feel down talk to someone, a friend or family member, I think people underestimate how much difference even one chat can have for someones mental wellbeing.

Just don't hide things, 2 years ago that kind of thinking nearly got me killed.

What am I actually doing to try regain my confidence and to push myself again without becoming exhausted?

In essence its simple. Ive gone back to counselling as I mentioned before, ive given up certain things in my life and just putting myself first without anyone else involved and just doing what I need to either improve or stabilise my health as it is right now.

It sounds selfish in a way but I have to put myself first, give certain things up and in my head its what I feel I need to do to get things right for me.

Ive also started training for new things slowly, I'm not rushing things or trying to take on too much too quickly. No more 6 days a week of training constantly thinking train train train.

Just enjoying my swimming, my cycling and build from there. And as my mental side of things start to line up and I learn to cope with things in a more positive ways that'll increase my wanting to train more and everything will hopefully gel together and Ill be in the happy place I was about 6-7 months ago.

It sounds easy doesn't it? In theory. In reality it's not but time is a great tool to help with things.

I will admit I'm struggling a lot right now. Mentally and physically but it won't last forever.

Physically Im exhausted, all i've done for the past week is virtually sleep, I've been working, i've trained, eaten felt sick and slept. Its kind of all been done in auto pilot. All a daze, if someone asked me what i've been doing the last week I doubt I could say. I can remember the good things I do Like, I went swimming, I went golf practice, Ive been on the bike. They are to me my solace my way of feeling like a normal person.

Just because I'm ill doesn't mean I want my life to stop. Eventually the balance has to tip my way.Ive got the patience to wait as long as I need. Its why i'm easy with accepting this year as a bad year. It won't stay that way.


Of course though I'm not normal and I'm well aware of that but thats okay I like kind of being different. I'd hate to be dull. And I don't mean that badly but who lives a normal life when they are feeling like this? Affected by an illness Like This?
See what I mean about the mental side? Its crazy what goes through my mind.

Yet I always cope, I don't stay down for long. I just need off times and then I bounce back. I may be training again (well trying) and trying to improve myself but currently my switch is off.

It's not easy to switch back on but I find a way every time I go into this recluse, closed, slow down, negative mood. Then I just seem to spring back in to life. And I can't honestly say what changes that trigger moment.

My head always figures it out, some times I need help but I can also do it on my own and it always starts with one thing

Determination.

And through my determination I find my feeling of normal, of freedom

You see I don't want to rest, I never feel like I want to stop really, suddenly my drive my personality pushes me and I just get back in to this arrogant self determined mood.

You see those briefs moments in training like when I was in the lake swimming last week I felt free of my worries I felt normal again, well as normal as my life can be I suppose. It reminds me how good it feels to be doing normal things. Not thinking about my cough or the aches, not thinking It's"did I do my nebuliser?"

And that feeling reminds me why I love taking on challenges. It's a strange moment. And thats how I know I will switch back on. Its already starting. I'm lake swimming training, I'm interval training on the bike and just building myself up slowly till I feel ready to go 100% in to a new challenge.

It's the doing nothing that brings me in to the negative path I can't always get away from. So I will always go back to being as active as I can whilst my body lets me.

People say to me "Please rest" you see I can't, if I do mentally I feel weak and tired and that affects me mentally and I just want to go in to a lazy slope. Then I feel worse and its back to calling the doctors asking why. I can't do that.

So thats why I'm finding my hunger again, getting back in to training. And I know the challenges I want to take on this year. Im hoping provided my health allows me to do the London serpentine two mile swim in September. Im hunting for a little bike challenge to do. Might even make something up myself.

I'm just not rushing in to things this year. I don't want to hit burnout like I did training for the triathlon. I was so happy I did it but I was more relieved I didn't have to train anymore. Despite feeling ill, aching constantly and losing concentration towards the end I forced myself for several months to train 6 days a week. Even if I couldn't do huge mileage or a massive amount of lengths in the pool because I was tired I still did it. And thats why I hit burn out. I pretty much fell out of love with what I love doing.

So this year I'm working hard to find the right balance. Train to improve my health mentally and physically, to enjoy training and to push enough to become fitter but without burning myself out.

Im on a new learning curve. Its kind of turned in to a challenge in its own right trying to get it right.

But I am back training albeit very slowly. As I'm still not well and all I want to do at the moment is sleep. Hopefully in the next day or two my tablets will start to take affect the steroids will always boost me and it'll get me over the edge to start really concentrating on me and finding a good balance.

And you don't sign up to a stupidly expensive gym club just for the fun. Im doing it to make myself go so I'm not wasting my money plus I'm going somewhere clean with the best facilities and I hope will offer me the best chance to improve myself to help me with future challenge projects. Make me go faster.

If I am now stuck at 44% lung function I still want to capitalise on that and go as far and as fast as my lungs will let me or as far and as fast and I can build myself up to.


It's going to be a rough year this year. Im kind of ready for it, well I'm building myself up as best I can to be prepared for whatever I need to do or whatever obstacle I may face. And I still feel although time is ticking it's not run out yet and I still have more to achieve, run, walk or crawl, Bike glide or fall over the line. Swim, or float. Ill get to where I want to be.

I'll do a blog on what changes i'm making very soon

Thanks for reading