My Health will always come first

I felt this blog needed writing because I have had this pent up frustration about how I feel ive been looked at and frowned at in the past for my choices 

I don't know why this is so hard for some people to accept that have been a part of my life in the past but my health will always come first. Yes some find that hard to understand but let me explain in details as that just sounds like a silly statement to make without examples and support to back it up

So in this blog I'm going to have a rant about the negatives ive experienced and then show why you should always hold on to the positive people around you 

People will knock you even those close to you

In the past ive always had many supportive people around me from family to close friends even strangers who have all been lovely to me and supported me and even sponsored me with the many challenges ive done and I don’t think thank you can ever cover how grateful I am to those people in my life

BUT

And here comes the but 

Ive had some people in my life even some who were supposed to love and support me question why I put so many hours in to my challenges training and trying to raise awareness of cystic fibrosis and why I want to try and inspire others.

And it has always confused me why people have acted like that towards me

Ive had people in the past say to me “oh but why do you put so many hours in to your physical training ive not seen much of you lately” and ive even had some people get cross with me if ive been training or changed plans because ive felt ill and needed to train to try and help fend off a bug or just to make me feel better physically and also mentally. 

The people who have done this to me ive removed from my life, made sacrifices because if they cant see why I'm doing it then why should I bother having to keep explaining it?

Why do I do so much for my health and charity and to try and raise awareness?

It simple if I don’t go to the gym or go swimming or go out on my bike I couldn’t keep fighting against cystic fibrosis I would fall sick quicker and then not have the strength to fight against infections which could take longer to recover from or even worse, the next chest infection could kill me. So its simple

I put the effort in to stay alive for longer. Its not for fun or vanity, its a serious but simple statement. I put the hours in so I can get more hours out of life itself. 

Yes sometimes I go to the gym or disappear for a few hours on my bike or lake swimming but I do it not just for myself but also so others can benefit from more time with me if they so wish to do so.

Its not like im disappearing to the pub or on the lash for days on end. Im trying to stay alive.

And thats why im annoyed by people who have moaned at me in the past. They want me around for longer and say things like “oh you’ll live for years yet “but then used to get the hump if I was busy with training. I cant live for longer if I don’t get on with things and try and stay healthy.

What is it people want from me? They want me to live longer! Yet ive had people get angry at me and take digs for me when ive said im going training. Its simple logic 

IF you want me around for longer you are going to have to give me and time and support I need to be able to have my own time to go training, to go to the gym, to go running, to go biking, to go swimming.

On the positive side and how I flip these niggles in to driving me on, I hate when someone moans at me because I want to do something good for my health and when I get annoyed with people like that ive known myself to go and train harder and for longer.

One day I can remember doing an indoor bike session I was at home alone on my turbo trainer putting in a few miles and someone I was with at the time came to my house and moaned and was like “do you ever stop pedalling on that bloody bike?” So you know what I did the next day cancelled our plans and I went out on a 4 and half hour bike ride and did something like 50 miles because I was so angry I didn’t want to be around anyone incase I snapped and said something I regretted.

Maybe this is why ive chosen to be single for so long?

Truth is Im very picky when it comes to choosing people that I want in my life and theres good reason for it. 

In the past people Ive loved and thought loved me gave me the feeling at times that they couldn’t have given two shits to what I was doing with my physical challenges and how I wanted to try and help others be it through health campaigns with the CF trust or raising money for charity or trying to just raise awareness of my illness. 

And do you know what it took me a long time to realise who were the negative people in my life and to say thanks but no thanks I don’t want to know you anymore. 

I used to find it hard to see these things and get rid of negatives but as ive got older and wiser ive found it easy to put myself first. It was something I struggled to do for many years and I could never see it until certain things happened in my life. People may find this silly but one thing I did which id never done before was go for a tarot card reading and it really opened my eyes to things. She basically said theres nothing good coming of my life when I never put myself first and im scared to push the wrong people away. And it made me think a lot about that and although I kind of already knew that it made me think “if someone I don’t even know thinks im being stupid and hiding and not being myself then why couldn’t I see that?”

What have I done to change that and push negative things away?

So over the last few years ive done many things to change my life into something full of positives even when im feeling down or negative about myself or my situation I always have positive things to be able to feed off and pick myself back up again.

Over the last couple years ive sacrificed a lot of things, Firstly theres the training I sacrificed time with friends and loved ones and even relationships to put my health first and make plenty of time to go training and stick to a good plan that I feel benefits my health and not one of my friends has moaned when ive said no to things because im out on my bike or im at a swimming session. Ive given up on love and even ended relationships because I felt like always I wasn’t being shown what I was giving and because some people just couldn’t support what I wanted to do with my life be it on purpose or some they didn’t even know they were pushing me away but I wasn’t going to be somebodies mug. Why should I give someone my time when they cant let me have a little of my own to stay healthy so I can be around for them longer?

I mean they could of come with me if they wanted to and do some fitness things together would have been nice. Or even sat and supported me and enjoyed a nice walk whilst I went running in front. Not hard to give someone a bit of encouragement and support is it.

And Ill be honest ive not found that yet. I get some people don’t do it on purpose but id like to have someone like that in my life. Like I say being part of my life isn’t always easy and its not for everyone. 

I need someone with a strong heart. The faint may not apply within haha

Being in my life isn’t for everyone its not easy and I can be difficult but thats because if I don’t feel loved and supported then it isn’t going to end well for that person they wont be in my life for long.

Ive changed a lot of my negatives and ive started letting more positive people in to my life. I was never arrogant but sometimes I didn’t appreciate what amazing things friends and family and even strangers gave me in terms of support and love but now I feed off it.

I regularly bore people with fitness posts and videos about how my training is going for new challenges and although some people joke and say christ you post a lot of rubbish they are also the first people when im having a bad day to say “please rest up take care of yourself and tell me how strong I am and I cant thank all you lovely people enough for the messages ive received the phone calls ive had and cards and donations to my causes that give me such a boost so I want to say a simple line here.

Thank you to each and everyone of you friends and strangers alike that send me messages of love and support they are all gratefully received and used as motivation to keep pushing myself and to stay positive none of you are forgotten and every message of support is read with love and a smile.

I also wont listen to negative people who mock me or knock me for what im trying to achieve. Be that strangers, friends or even people who are supposed to be close to me or love me, Negative hits used to really affect me but over time I have grown strong against it and now I find it very easy to say no to negative people and use it as motivation be it people who I thought were friends and even dates ive had if I don’t get a good feeling or someone doesn’t fill me with good vibes to make me think yep they’ll support me through good and bad ill not even consider a future date with that person. Sometimes I get that others have things going on in their life too and if I think things wont work just because we cant support each other I realise its best to go our separate ways as in times of bad health I may not be able to be the person they need and vice versa. Its all about finding the right balance and sometimes that isn’t anyone ones fault its just best to leave it instead of try for the wrong reasons. Im not a horrible man I just know what I feel strongly about and what im looking for.

If you cant support what I do why should I let you even be in my life or listen to your opinion if its just disrespectful.

Why have I stayed single or not let myself get close to someone? Or let a new partner in to my life over the last few years

Its simple really ive become strong willed and more decisive in what im looking for because of past partners and dates that have turned into negatives or not supported me.

Like the example I gave earlier ive dated people who have shown no interest in what im doing and not even given me a little bit of support on days where ive needed it and even had people who I thought loved me actually get cross with me because im trying to improve my health and keep fighting fit. 

And its those people who have made me become really cautious when it comes to dating people and allowing people in to my life

Infact I'm grateful for the bad experiences ive had because its just helped me to see things in a better way and not waste my time on things that will end up going nowhere or that could hurt me. 

And even people I used to date or were partners still think they know what I go through just because they knew me at some point in my life when the truth is they paid hardly any attention back then to what I was going through or how I was trying to better myself then so how would they even know what its like now when my health has changed so much over recent years? 

Truth is they have an opinion that I wish not to listen to and I don’t need look for those kind of people in my future plans either. 

I want a simple life with someone who isn’t going to put me down. 

But I wont just pick anyone for the sake of it. Im in no rush im not one of these people who can jump from person to person, I an very analytical I look at everything in my own way and ill take my time until I have the right answers or have any problems figured out in my head.

I dont want to force myself to find love, I just want it to happen with the right person without looking for it. The best things always turn up when you least expect it.

My life is complicated enough so I don’t need someone coming in and not being understanding of my faults and understanding why I do all the training things I do and why I want to try and help others be it through my honest blog posts or through social media or through charity challenges trying to raise a few quid to help others.

Why is it so hard to understand that I just want to try and stay healthy and fight against my illness for as long as possible and try and give something positive back to others. 

I didn’t get to where I am today without help and I want to give something back by helping others in need be it in a small or a big way Im not looking for a running partner or a swim buddy or a saddle lover to go on rides with. 

I just want a simple relationship that when things get complicated they just hold my hand and when im well and I want to improve myself so I can fight against my illness for longer they’ll just say “okay have fun and ill see you when you get back” Not come in and moan because I have my running shoes on or because im many miles away from home on my bike because the only reason I do all my fitness stuff and challenges isn’t just to benefit me its to benefit people around me. I cant love someone when im dead can I? 

But by doing all my challenges ill be around longer to enjoy a fulfilled life with someone 

Give me the time I need and ill give those kind people around me all the free time I have to enjoy a laugh and make life fun.

I dont ask a lot although some people im sure make out like im asking the earth 

When all I ask from anyone in my life be it friends loved ones or new people and strangers in my is a bit of support and most importantly understanding or at least trying to understand what I go through.

I have good days and bad days, strong times and times when im weak. And when the good is here I can give people in my life the best I have to give but when im down or sick or tired and feeling a little lost I won’t ask much of anyone in my life and sometimes I hide a lot but if someone can just look at me in my darkest hours and try and shed some light on what im dealing with then thats all I can really ask for.

People ive now moved out of my life I did so because I felt they either could not cope with what my future was going to bring, the good and bad. I don’t want to be a burden on people and thats how ive felt with some people around me in the past and I moved myself out of those situations to see more positives in the things I do in my life, to make things feel more fulfilled for myself.

A little understanding goes a long way to making my life feel easier when im trying to be there for others even if im struggling myself.  

When I'm in my darkest moments don’t block out the light. 

When Im laughing I hope you can laugh with me 

Its taken a long time but I feel I have good reasons to push negatives away and not let bad people drag me down. I only want t feel good things , like support, kind words, warm embraces, loving people

Ive become stronger from those negative experiences and ive learnt a lot

One day I will have to cry my last tears and all I want is to see those I have allowed in my life to give me one last smile and support my last moments with no bad feelings

Only love