When I was younger I used to sort of write a blog but on paper and I used to write it more to myself as a third person. For years I did it but no one ever saw it until recently and I have actually now lost the papers
But I know exactly what I wrote
Those feelings and thoughts don't go away
I'm sat here in hospital looking out the window at that there London Town listening to my music and to my own thoughts
So I thought I'd write a little down about how I feel when I'm like this and let you read it
Sorry if any is upsetting but no point being blunt its boring
I'm going to talk about how I strangely accept things in no uncertain terms
So it's currently 12:30am most people by now are either asleep working or drunk (pick which one you was at that time)
Me well I'm sat here in hospital going through my usual cant sleep lets think
I love looking at London it's beautiful, it's a place I love to come to and could more than likely live here. Not work though oh it's to busy but live here would be great moving at your own pace watching others rush to work at the necessary pace to get somewhere at the right time
It's thought provoking to watch
"Why the rush? What are you late for?"
It makes me think "life waits for no man"
Never a moment to stop in that moment of "I must get there"
Powerful to think but even more amazing (well I think so anyway) to be the person who gets to watch it happen. I love it because it makes me think so much about life
Why is there times when we are in such rush but yet times when rushing feels stressful and unnecessary because actually we don't HAVE to do anything
We can actually come and go as we please, we are never forced. We just choose to sometimes think it forced. It's not (although my boss would disagree as would yours no doubt)
Except
For people who have illnesses or know the end is approaching it feels necessary to sometimes rush. Well it does for me sometimes. Others may differ
I mean who would want to miss that opportunity, that moment, that view, that place, that feeling?
I don't, and now you see why sometimes it's necessary to be somewhere at a certain time.
What's that saying curiosity killed the cat? It always gets the better of people. I'm no different.
I will always want that thing, feeling, moment, view, opportunity, to be in the perfect place to breath slowly pause and see what's before me. It's properly why I've made great choices, mad choices, bad choices, unwise and regrettable choices, and may be one or two drunk choices, I'm only human to have made a mistake or two surely? Even if I missed what I went out for its nice to know I tried I at least went I just didn't get it right.
I'm sat here in hospital looking around my room.
How do I feel?
I'm okay here, I feel safe, I feel like I'm expected to become better, feel better, do better
I feel I should come out faster than went I came in. It's quite a powerful feeling to feel your expected to do better, if a little nerve racking (cue lung function machines and I'm sweating)
But I'm sat here with truths to face,
People don't get the chance I do to come out
People I know get better here
They also get worse here.
Most leave, some don't
I've known people who never left
Opportunities stolen,
Choices forced
It's a fine balance in my mind of 50/50 of the list I have in my head
If I do well and fend off cf for many years to come I will be in and out of here as and when necessary but I still know I'm able to walk out
If things go well I will most likely die here in many years down the line
If things go badly I will most likely die here sooner than I know
T
Time is uncertain, but opportunities when taken and pushed are not
That's why when I'm here I tire myself out because I push, I want the right things, the good things and to work hard knowing its to get out feeling better and motivated to go on. To be able to walk out that door
Would I do all that if I knew it wouldn't work and I wouldn't be walking out
NO, but like I said time is uncertain
It's just right then that I'm cocky in the fact I'm 100% certain I'm walking out better everytime
All that feeling comes from stopping and looking at things, the passerby, the optimism
It's funny because I sit here knowing I will likely die here and you know what? I'm happy with that feeling its easy to control that feeling, how or why I'm happy may be odd but
When I'm here I know I get better, I'm in good hands they care they watch they study and learn you
Now I'm that passer by with a place to be and the hospital is the one watching thinking "why the rush"
So to know this could be my place to die is cool because for many years it helped me get back up, rub me down patch me up and say oh on your way, but when it can't do that no more it can be there to say, "it's okay sit back and let us do the rest"
So you see me get better,me get out, or help me I know it's simple but in my mind death and hospital and my health make me feel amazing and they motivate me not scare me
To me it's comfort I'm okay here and many years I will feel the same
Come and go
See I'm a cocky lad but if I wasn't I'd hate to even bother
Either way
I will be OKAY
And
Either way
I will still go out them exit doors
Is that odd?
Because to me it's a safety thing
But
It's okay I know I'm going nowhere other than where I want to
I'm fine right here but prepared and that makes me happy that I'm doing okay, i need nothing more
And that's what my love for London makes me feel
Strange ? Maybe!
But after all
Why the rush?
I'm happy to take my time on this planet
Rush? Nah I'm having to much fun and I haven't run out of wanting everything
Never will
But im ready for force
If I wasn't I could smile be sarcastic and say "hello death, oh yes you've gone the wrong way"
"Keep walking lol"
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