Cystic Fibrosis and the affect it has on us mentally

This could be quite a big blog so lets get in to it.

 

Ive been thinking about CF a lot lately, not in a bad way but just in the affects it can have on me/us mentally.

 

I thought long and hard about it and I never realised before how long I've been really coping and sometimes struggling with the day to day thoughts and realities.

 

I sat and made notes about this topic over the past few days and it was eye opening. I already knew all about it but never really thought about it.

 

Where it all started

 

When I was younger I must of been struggling with it all from a young age. I don't remember it much but even at a young age I was going to counselling I'm sure when I was around the age of ten maybe even younger and into my early teens. I have no real memory of it why I went, what it was about or what I was feeling maybe I can't remember, maybe Ive blocked it out? I just cannot remember it well at all. All I remember is what the counsellor looked like, the rooms and where I went. Thats it but I know from memory for whatever reason I went it can't have been good but it must have sorted me out, I know it has to be over my coping of CF and life itself well my life as I knew it with an illness.

 

And the coping with it all didn't last long

 

 Now this part I do remember more, when I got to around 15 years old I remember really struggling to cope, so much so I was asking questions about why should I bother? Whats the point if I'm not going to live that long? Why do all this physio and take all these pills for nothing? So many questions and I felt like there was no answers. I was genuinely questioning my own life at this period of time.

 

My mum and dad could see and hear how I was starting to really struggle and went searching for help. Im going back sort of 15 years and before I go into details people need to know that cross infection and stuff like that wasn't really a known problem back then. See even with CF and the research that goes on we are always learning new things about it.

 

My mum contacted the CF Trust to ask for help and they put my mum in touch with people who ran a programme that helped people with CF connect with one another and meet to chat and help each other (can you imagine happening these days with the known risk of infection!!) and they put me in touch with someone older than me (Sorry Paul) and they set it up for us to meet go out and have a chat. The whole point of it was to show me that people with CF can live good lives into older years and that it isn't all a waste of time. Well Paul was just ace so a nice guy we went out on his motorbike (The first time id been on a super bike) and got some food and just chatted about CF and he told me all about what its like for him and how he copes and it showed me so much. Life as you get older does happen and it isn't as bad as I had imagined.

 

We are still friends to this day and we do occasionally meet up (Ssshhhh don't tell the doctors) and he definitely helped me to see beyond my teenage years and really helped me a lot.

 

This time I was old enough to work things out with the help of friends and advice I got myself in a much better place and meeting Paul really helped me put everything in to place to help me understand things better and not be so negative.

 

 Why do I think I didn't cope when I was younger?

 

I think it’s simple I was just too young to cope and I had so many questions that my inexperienced mind couldn't answer so I needed help to find those answers. I really struggled with my thoughts for a long time. Even in to my teens I had so many thoughts, you know the usual why me? What’s going to Happen? Why do I find this so hard? So many questions but I just wasn't ready to understand it all. I was overthinking and overloading myself in thoughts even at that young age when I should of been carefree and running run all-day playing and having fun with my friends.

 

The problem is even from a young age I definitely think an illness makes you see things differently, to be more wise than your years, makes you think differently.

 

I knew from a young age I was different to other people, different to my friends. Yes I could run around all-day pretty much like them, I’d get hurt, I’d get tired, I’d do silly things and get in to trouble like any other child and of course I went to school every day like everyone else but I still knew I was different. I wasn't normal and that’s the most simple way I could say it.

 

In-between doing NORMAL things like every other child I also had to take 50-60 pills EVERYDAY, I had to do nebulisers EVERYDAY, I had to do physio EVERYDAY to help move the sticky stuff that was trying to make me ill and clog my lungs and I coughed and got ill alot. Is that normal?? To me it was normal as I knew no different but I knew it wasn't a normal life. What normal child has to go hospital regularly to blow in to a tube to check their lung capacity or spit in to a pot to have their sputum checked for infections or tell a doctor what their poo looks like or have to give their health marks out of ten??

 

As a child I had to learn a lot and grow up fast, I had to learn about what my illness did to me, what tablets to take when, what each tablet did, what physio did and most importantly i had to learn what would happen if i didn't do any of that!

 

Is that a normal Childhood?

 

The strange thing is it was for me and i will never know anything different.

 

Can you understand now why things can get messy inside our heads? So much to deal with and for me personally I tried to cope so much on my own. I never wanted to ask for help as a kid I wanted to deal with it alone, see I'm stubborn and I thought I could cope. And that hasn't changed as I’ve got older. That said I'm grateful for all the support I have had and still get.

 

And as a kid no one ever made me feel different all my friends made me feel like one of them and as normal as I could possibly be they were amazing to me massively caring and always looked after me if I hurt myself but never left me out of anything. Without friends like that things would have felt so much harder for me. Im extremely grateful about that and my childhood. It taught me a lot.

 

Little did I know my childhood would help me when I became a parent.

 

 And what about the past few years

 

I think looking back I’d say I have been struggling to cope mentally for the past 3 years but I had told myself I had everything under control, pretty much with the same issues that I struggled with when I was younger, the problem that I think was the root cause of it all this time was because I was older and wiser this time I thought I had all the answers and I was overthinking everything and this especially is apparent to me over the past 18 - 20 months. Despite doing all my physical training and bike rides and trying to keep fit and managing to avoid hospital and having a stable lung function over the past 2 years I was still struggling mentally, I was horrible to be around I know my personality had changed, I had a short temper and I wasn't happy within myself at all let alone the situation or things around me and my mental struggles all came out when I became single again last April that was the trigger point for me. Not because of losing that relationship but because it made me see the horrible person I had become, it opened my eyes to starting to see what I was going through, how I was struggling.

 

Yes I was gutted totally that things had ended and that definitely affected me ALOT but it made me see more importantly what I was doing and how I was feeling about myself. I started to see how unhappy I was not with what had gone on but with myself I really hated myself and the situation I was in having CF and how I just wasn’t coping with things mentally.

I was on my own and I was thinking more in the way of "well who would actually want someone like me?" I was deeply unhappy within myself because I am always overthinking even the smallest of problems and I was becoming an angry, short tempered person because I wasn’t able to understand what was going on in my own head. And yet I wasn't talking to everyone bottling things up AGAIN thinking I could cope but I wasn't. My mum described me as a ticking time bomb. I was scared of CF, scared of being alone, I wasn't happy with myself, I wasn't talking to people I was ignoring my own plight and I had the temper of all tempers I had no fuse at all for a long time even before that trigger point.

 

Even through this period I was still training for new physical challenges because it kept part of me focused and I knew I still needed to stay healthy even though I was starting to lose my focus on why I was doing all that hard work.

 

It all came to a head when let’s say I had a mild breakdown and a suicidal wobble (that’s me being mild and not wanting to talk about it too much about what actually happned that night but that’s not the point of this blog post)

 

It left me feeling down more and embarrassed about my actions but it was my epiphany moment that I really needed.

 

I ended up getting help because I finally admitted to having some issues mentally and the first thing I did was phone my CF team in London and I told them what had happened and they helped me immediately. Two days after my wobble I was started on anti-depressants whilst counselling sessions were arranged and 5 days after that I was sat with my CF team counsellor talking. Still to this day nearly 18 months on I hate admitting to what happened and that I ended up on tablets because I always felt tablets did nothing and depression was a load of rubbish even though I’ve seen people go through it I always thought "that will never be me" but now I know it’s completely the opposite and I was suffering with depression and I did need them tablets and I can't hide from the facts it is what it is. I’m not afraid to admit it anymore that I have had some mental issues but I have been dealing with them and getting the right help that I needed.

 

 Why do I think I was unhappy and depressed?

 

Well I'd say my struggles had been building up for the past 3 years for many reasons. I was approaching 30 years old and I kept thinking "I shouldn't even be here" I wasn't happy in life in general, I was lashing out at people around me and I wasn't letting people in to help me. I was deeply unhappy in myself. I had also seen a few people who I have become friends with pass away from CF who were much younger than me and you can't help but think "Well how am I still here?" and I was getting fed up with the whole CF routine. Take tablets, cough, do exercise, cough, be sick, have to go hospital, get antibiotics, do nebulisers, never get enough sleep, always feeling drained, thinking your CF annoys people. It’s the whole CF life I was fed up with and that effected my whole life in general.

 

When someone you know passes away from CF it does play on your mind.

 

See what I mean about this isn't a normal life? It’s one we have to learn to live as a normal life and learn to cope with the good and the bad no matter how hard it is we don’t have any choice do we!!

 

It certainly does make you appreciate all the good things big or small a lot more than you normally would.

 

People say yes but you could get hit by a bus and die tomorrow. Well CF can be just like that as well more than people realise.

 

The next chest infection you get or even a cold could kill you with CF. Does that sound over dramatic? Yes but it’s true it really can happen like that.  When your ill and struggling even perfume or deodorant can make you cough or get that itch in your throat that makes you struggle.

 

 You learn to live with Fear but it can take your mind over sometimes and that’s what happened to me over the past few years.

 

Fear had consumed my entire life.

 

I was training through Fear.

 

Doing Nebulisers through Fear

 

Tablets because of fear

 

I wasn't my usual self of just thinking well it is what it is and you just deal with things. My relaxed attitude to life had gone completely. I’m usually so laid back I'm horizontal about life. Nothing used to bother me about my health apart from when I was younger but it had all changed and I was nothing like the happy go lucky person I used to be when I didn’t have a care in the world despite everything I was dealing with everyday.

 

 How did I get through it and change?

 

 Firstly I had to admit I couldn’t cope, I won't say its admitting to having a problem because its not like that, it’s just not coping with your unique life that you have to life. You have no choice in the life you have to live day in day out.

 

Once I got into counselling it seemed simple but I never saw it.

 

I just over complicate things and overthink things. Yet I could never see it until someone pointed out the obvious.

 

That one issue was the root cause it seemed for my problems personally anyway and of course everyone is different in their fight, their battle, their problems but this was my personal issue.

 

The counsellor helped me hit the reset button. And still continues to do so to this day to help me.

 

And the biggest thing I've learnt is, never be afraid to ask for help or talk to someone, one conversation is all it takes to start on the road to better things.

 

I had counselling for around 6 months last year. It didn't take me long to start feeling better and I was off the anti-depressants fairly quickly and it was my own decision to come off them. I just didn't need them anymore because counselling was giving me all the answers and release I needed to start becoming a better happier me. A new and improved but the old happy me I once was.

 

I can't say enough how important the counselling has been for me. Im so happy I got help.

 

Please if you feel like you’re in this on your own, you’re not there is people out there that can help you.

 

They helped me.

 

I spoke about CF and how I felt about it all and the questions I had, the counsellor explained what I was doing going round in circles and never being able to find the answers because I simply couldn't.

 

She helped me to see the problems, we then talked it through and came up with a plan to talk about it regularly and get through it and in time I would see what the problem was for myself and by talking about it I would learn how and why it was happening.

 

I think it stemmed from my own determination, I’m hugely independent. I try to do everything myself, I never ask for help and also part of my job is problem solving and I was using my work ethic to try and problem solve myself and I was complicating my own thoughts even more let alone solving it all.

 

Through talking regularly I learnt to let people in and talk to people and ask for help for answers if I felt I couldn't and that sometimes you can't do everything yourself.

 

It most likely sounds simple don't overthink things but it wasn't easy for me to see it like that, it took me months of talking to get things out and start to see things straight.

 

Its funny how you can think your just having a simple conversation with someone but that someone is making notes on everything I was saying and then came up with Ideas on how to change. Simple but so affective for me. I can't thank the CF team and my counsellor enough for helping me out

If you ever need help never be afraid to ask.

 

 And how do I feel now?

 

I feel like the old me from 10 years ago. I’m not overthinking, I'm not feeling fear like I was and I'm happy with myself. I feel like I have a purpose again and I have long term goals not just short term fears like I did have before everything fell apart. Things just feel good right now.

 

Im the happiest ive been in years and although im on my own I don’t have the fear of being alone anymore I have the excitement of wondering what I can do on my own and the adventures I can do whilst im still healthy enough to do so.

 

Last year and the past 3 years no longer have a negative effect on me. Im not scared of things like I was, I'm not scared of being alone. Infact I'm happy with life as it is right now and I know if someone doesn't want me for the person I am and the challenges I will face in the future then who cares because I don't need them type of people in my life. I’m a lot more carefree whilst realistic on what I need to do day to day and I'm not fed up with CF and the things we have to do to stay healthy. I don't feel like a burden I feel like I have a lot to offer still despite my health.

 

I’m no longer angry and my temper has disappeared. I’m laid back and relaxed about things. I go out and have a laugh with mates instead of getting drunk to be stupid and try and forget or hurt myself.

 

I’m able to deal with things in general better without panicking, getting angry or complicating things.

 

I just feel so happy with everything and within myself. I cry when I want instead of blocking things up because I know it’s not a bad thing to get sad I just let my feelings out and I feel better after.

 

CF doesn't rule me negatively like it has the past 3 years because of my declining health. I’m more acceptable but not complacent and I have my fight back again. Fight to stay fit because I enjoy it rather than being scared of things.

 

I just feel completely different but like the old me just new and improved and I have a different way of seeing things more simply.

 

I don't know if words can really describe my happiness and mood in words.

 

Things just have come together really nicely and I'm really pleased with how my life feels now and I know I can cope much better than I could all because I'm not afraid to talk now and ask for help.

 

That one conversation and asking for help was all it took. And I'm now happy and focused on living for the right reasons

 

If theres one thing I have learnt its never too late to ask for help and never be afraid to say you can’t cope. It is a big deal but by taking that first step it will help you to find the help that you need and is easily available if you just ask.

 

Talk to people, friends family loved ones or even your doctor or CF team and ask for help if you need it. Don’t lose the will to fight physically or mentally as help is always available.

 

I never thought Id find myself in the situation I was in but I did and now im glad I got the help I was after instead of fighting battle on my own that I would never have won if I didn’t find the answers from others around me.

 

 

If there’s one thing I urge you all to think even if you don’t have an illness and are having issues talk to someone, go see your doctor or phone a helpline anonymously and talk about whatever is on your mind. One conversation, one rant, one cry to a person who’s there to listen will be the start to helping you get on your way to feeling better.

 

 

 

Thank You for reading.

Why I got into Cycling and why I'm now attempting a Triathlon

Recently a few people have asked me

"Why did you take up cycling??"

My simple answer would be "My Health" but let me explain further.


In 2014 I was having a really bad year health wise the worst I've ever had in fact. I had been in hospital 3 times and had been off sick from work for nearly a month at a time for every hospital admission plus multiple days off sick because I just couldn't do anything. I had caught mrsa of the lungs and another bug (the name escapes me at the moment) and just couldn't shift it and was struggling to get it under control.
Another major contributing factor was that in January 2014 I was finishing Gene Therapy Trials which I now believe is the reason my lung function had held on for so long because the trial drugs was trying to help my lungs and keep me healthy.
In 2013 my lung function had been around 75-80% and gene therapy was doing a really good job at helping me maintain that percentage (I didn't know this at the time but have learnt all this since from seeing my lung function results) but not long after I had finished the gene therapy trials I was starting to get sick a lot and my lung function was dropping like a stone and infections were feasting on my lungs like an all you can eat buffet. By the end of 2014 I was back in hospital for the third time looking for help, looking for answers and getting frustrated with the whole situation and the lack of answers I needed to try to stop my health declining, I was admitted into hospital and I couldn't breathe and had to be put onto oxygen to help my oxygen levels.

I have never felt so ill, so scared and so down mentally let alone physically, this was all new to me Id never experienced this before. I mean don't get me wrong because I know everybody who has CF is different and everybody's fight is different but this was my first time experiencing this and I was out of my depth thinking I could handle it, I didn't cope at all, its most likely taken me until this year 2017 3 years on of admitting to my problems and getting mental help to learn how to cope and deal with new things and how to think with a clear head (but i'll come to all that in another blog post)

I was my worst moment in my life with CF I felt totally awful about everything and the fear I had feeling that cold air rushing up my nose and into my lungs is something I do not wish to experience any time soon. Sometimes with CF you can escape the reality of an illness when your health is good, well escape as much as taking pills and doing physio feels normal and no worrying moments but having that pipe running from ear to ear and connecting up at my nose brings all your fears and thoughts of the bad side of CF to the front of your thoughts and its bloody hard to shake it.

I was starting to lose faith in the medicines I was on and the medical staff around me even though I know how much effort they were putting in to try and help me I felt like I was being failed or that my health was seriously failing me really quick. I had tried every Intravenous drug possible to help me and I felt like nothing was working. I had tried IV drugs, oral meds and steroids and nothing seemed to be helping. I was starting to have thoughts of "Is this the beginning of the End?"

This question in my head became a scary thought a lot but my doctor was really good to me, we sat and had a chat and she explained you know we can keep trying and if it isn't working we will work together to deal with this change in health and get me the help I needed to learn to adjust and cope with the changes.

Ultimately though I was fed up and angry and I wasn't ready to accept that things had changed.
I had lost around 20-25% of my lung function in a matter of months. I was now down to around 55% and it all felt surreal and I wasn't prepared to accept that. You could say my epiphany moment came when I was put on oxygen and told that we could discuss the options to help me cope with the loss of lung function. I just wasn't having it. I was ssssoooooo angry with the whole situation.

I was especially angry with myself because all I could think was "What did I do wrong? What have I done wrong? Am I to blame for this happening?? What could have caused it? Have I missed something?" So many questions and no answers I was in a world of pain, not so much physically but mentally I was really feeling it I was down and so disappointed but I really couldn't accept this situation, Could I?

I was also being told that my Diabetes wasn't being well controlled and that my numbers were still too high and I needed to go on a diabetes training course to help me learn carb counting as that was essential to help me learn the numbers better and get my numbers down.

Now people who know me will say I can be very stubborn and with all the above happening my Stubbornness was on full I will prove you wrong mode. I refused the diabetes help and I refused to accept from the doctors that maybe this was what the future was going to be like with me having to go to hospital more regularly for IV Treatment and put up with my decline in help. I was NEVER going to listen to that.

I sat with the doctor and said "once this admission is done I'm going to go away and assess things and Im going to prove you wrong that this isn't going to carry on and that I can help my health and my diabetes, if theres no more that you can do I want a go at trying something different". I appreciated that the doctors were trying to help but I think my words were "Im going to take things into my own hands and I feel this is something I need to do, if the drugs can't help then let me find out if I can do something".

But what would I try??


Well I had been looking into big physical challenges that I could maybe try and see if that helped my health, I thought about the London marathon but I didn't think I could cope with the running that distance plus with my weak left leg I was thinking it would be too much to expect my right leg to do all the work. What about a shorter distance? What about walking up a mountain kilamanjaro? I had been wanting to go there for a while but I had to be realistic 50% lung function walking up a mountain with the lack of air becoming more and more apparent. I wasn't sure. What could I do??

I could cycle, I could do that I liked cycling and i could go as fast or as slow as I wanted and it wouldn't put too much pressure on me (well so I thought how wrong I was).

SO cycling but what cycling challenge can I do?? It just had to be something big I had to find something that looked impossible but something I would remember forever and know that I had done it starting from nothing. It had to be something I could say to the doctors "See I f**king did it, two fingers to your complacency". I was trawling the internet and came across something that caught my eye.

The Prudential RideLondon-Surrey 100

I came across this ride in simple terms its 100 miles on closed roads through beautiful london and surrey countryside taking in the sights of world famous London. This really caught my eye.
I mean 100 miles is big enough for the challenge to be big, catch peoples attention and maybe few a few pennies for the CF Trust but firstly I needed a bike.

And I was fortunate enough that my partner at the time offered to buy me a bike for my birthday (Thank You) and in november 2014 I picked this up. It wasn't expensive it wasn't a fancy carbon fibre go fast bike but it was mine my bike that I hoped would pedal me to great things. I had no idea how far this thing would take me and what challenges I would achieve but I loved this bike the first day I picked it up.

I went for my first bike ride a few days later (the picture above is me after my first ride) and it shocked me. I managed a measly 6 miles, just 6 miles and I was beat exhausted and my lungs hated me but I had the bug, I knew I wanted to do this. I fell in love with cycling straight away, lycra isn't a fashion statement but knowing your dressed in it sort of gives me a sense of pride because I know i want to achieve something whilst dressed in my cycling gear. Overtime I put my training gear on I know I'm doing it for a purpose, to stay fit, to show others whats possible and to help the CF trust and hopefully the money raised with help of you lovely people has helped made a difference to others in some way no matter how small.

That day I signed up to the LondonSurrey100 with the CF Trust and the rest as they say is history.

Since January 2015 I have cycled about 7000 miles and I've completed

LondonSurrey100 Bike Ride 2015
KM Bike Big Ride 50km 2016
London To Brighton 55 mile bike ride 2016

And I've managed to raise around £3,500.00 for the cf trust along the way.

Also since I started training at the end of 2014 my hospital fortunes and health have stabilised. I wouldn't say its improved as such as my lung function hasn't improved since 2015 but it has most certainly slowed down in its declined and stabilised at around 50 to 55% for the last 2 and a half years. I am the fittest I've ever been even with my lung function and I'm still smiling look ahead to the future and what other challenges I can take on. I won't lie its been bleeding hard there been days still when I've not been able to do anything and my CF has affected me still even on good days but I feel better mentally knowing Id rather be in pain training than be in pain in hospital or coughing. All the miles, pain, tears and falls have all been worth it.

Since 2015 my hospital visits have decreased massively

2015 - 2 admissions in January 2015 and September 2015

And that is the last time I was admitted to hospital for IV Treatment its been 21 months since I had a stay in hospital. Its not been easy Ive pushed myself like mad, I've still been really sick at times and I've still had infections and other problems and bugs have taken their toll on me at time and I've swallowed a lot of tablets to fend off sickness but I haven't had to stay in hospital to do it in all that time and I intend to keep doing it for as long as I possibly can. Even if I ended up in hospital tomorrow I will know in my head and in my heart that I've made huge life choices and sacrifice to keep me going and get me where I am today and I'm the happiest I've been in a long long time knowing I'm doing the right thing.

All the training has also had a positive effect on my diabetes. I now have much lower levels which I'm still working on to improve and Ive got it under control and by having a good diabetes control it helps my chest and reduce infections because infections feed off sugar and can turn in to a vicious cycle of problems.

Can you imagine how good it felt the next time I saw my diabetes specialist and my doctor, I'd dropped my sugar levels by over 30% within a matter of months with none of their help whatsoever and id stabilised my chest and was staying away from hospital. As a person with a point to prove that felt damn good to say "see I did that, you thought it wouldn't happen but it did and its getting better" don't get me wrong I love the doctors who help me, I have a great working relationship with them and I have no bad words to say against them as they work damn hard with us cvs to help us but to know I did something for myself and it had worked felt pretty bloody good walking out of there knowing what was happening. I don't think I can ever put into words how satisfying it was to have something go my way, something positive something that felt surreal to have managed to have changed my fortunes. I had changed the downward spiral and I felt like I had done it on my own, hard work determination and maybe a bit of good fortune.


And now you know why I took up cycling, thats the long and short answer but without deciding to get on two wheels and put my feet on the pedals I have no doubt I would be in that terrible place I had feared two years ago getting more and more used to hospital beds and going insane because I just wouldn't cope but thanks to cycling and maybe my stubbornness to prove people wrong, I'm here talking walking and still breathing through my lungs without any further grief.


And what next??


It had to be another big challenge. I felt it had to be a triathlon, an olympic distance to be exact.

With 2017 fast approaching and feeling in a good place in my life I had to decide what to do next, so I've decided on a triathlon. And not a short one either. Olympic distance

On the 24th September 2017 Im taking part in the Hever Castle Olympic distance Triathlon to in aid of the Cystic Fibrosis Trust


1500m swim
40km bike ride
10km run
One after the other all in one go.


I started training in in about October last year nothing too serious, the odd ride, the odd run but I didn't start swimming until January this year and thats when I started really upping my training and thinking seriously about attempting a Triathlon. I knew this would be big. The biggest challenge Ive ever attempted. Hardest thing Ive ever wanted to finish and the pain and training hasn't disappointed in challenging me and making me doubt myself thats for sure.

Training for this has been a whole different world to just biking and its getting harder everyday.
I'm swimming twice a week running twice a week and cycling twice a week plus doing short exercise at home. And not small distances either. im now swimming 2 to 3 miles every week, cycling 50 miles per week and running about 10km a week at present, I know that may not sound like a lot but I'm still learning still improving and still increasing my distances.

And so far I have managed to complete a sprint Triathlon in April as a practice run but that is nothing compared to the big one and I learnt a lot from that, mostly how hard and painful it is and that was only 250m swim 10mile bike ride and 3mile run. That is nothing compared to what I want to attempt.

I now have 14 weeks approximately to keep training improving and hopefully dodging hospital until the big day and its already tough but ill do another blog soon about training soon to keep you all in suspense.

Whats pushing me through this training and attempt is my health, my stubbornness and wanting to raise awareness and funds for the CF Trust. This is what inspires me to keep pushing.



And I'm getting support along the way which has spurred me on even more to get it done and keep on training.

I have to give a huge shout out and Thank You to Ribble Cycles, I wrote to them last month asking if they could help me at all in lending me a bike and they went above and beyond what I expected. They kindly contacted me and offered to give me a new bike to help me complete this challenge and my future challenges that I want to take on. I really cannot thank them enough and talking with them and meeting them on the day I visited their new shop in Birmingham was amazing. They are all so lovely, so supportive and couldn't be any nicer. Their offer of support will never go unappreciated, they have inspired me to keep pushing and wanting to achieve more. Without their help I could never have got a bike like this. So thank you thank you thank you to everyone at Ribble. You are all amazing for helping me and supporting me on this journey and I will forever be in your debt.

Just look at my beautiful new Carbon Sportive racing bike. Its a mechanical thing of beauty. Im in love with its looks and lines and oho my the colour matte black just looks the business.

These guys deserve a huge thank you for everything they have done for me and I hope to be able to return their generosity one day.

Id also like to say a big Thank you to Speedo UK who have supplied me with all the triathlon kit I could ever need. All I asked was if I could borrow a wetsuit not expecting a reply and not only did they reply they offered to help me with a huge offer.
They not only sent me a wetsuit but two tri suits, tri shorts and new goggles. And Ive tried them all out and they feel amazing and the wetsuit really keeps me warm in bleeding cold open water.

Its things like this and support like this that spur me on. These companies don't have to do anything but they take time out of their busy days to talk to me and help me in ways I could never of imagined.
I could never have afforded any of this equipment and without them I couldn't have even thought about attempting these challenges. Its really spurred me on to want to do this and not let them down.


I lastly want to say thank you to everyone who has liked and followed my Charity Facebook page and pledged a donation to my fundraising page. You guys are the one that will really make the difference by donating your hard earned cash you are going a long way to helping me hit my fundraising target and to raise money that will go a long way to helping others. I do these challenges for fun, you guys do the important bit.

So thank you to each and every one of you that support me, offer me help and inspire and spur me on to take on the huge challenges.

If you want to follow me on my training and triathlon journey and pledge a donation to my fundraising page then please click on the links and follow and support me along the way


Thank You


Just giving Page

https://t.co/oWkYrpgeit

Facebook Page

Jamie's CF Challenges for Charity

Summing up 2016 and what I finally admitted: I needed help!

So how do I start?! Well 2016 was a mix of emotions and events, it started off the usual set goals, try to stay healthy, go to work, go to hospital, be a father the usual adult life you know the same routine do this, do that, don’t forget that. Just the usual Life, well a usual life for someone with an illness anyway.
The problem was something didn’t feel right for me I wasn’t my usual self I was feeling a bit lost, id lost my motivation to want things or do things in many areas like life in general, what I wanted in my life and people around me and future plans and I was starting to really resent myself and my illness and things were just brewing up inside of me.
The early part of the year me and my ex-partner also split up and went our separate ways as friends as things just didn’t seem to be working for various reasons but I won’t go into that here as that’s not what this blog is about.

Throughout May and June I was on my own wondering what to do feeling lost and drinking A LOT, I thought I was enjoying myself but in reality I think I was trying to cover up my own problems and I did some very silly things and insulted and hurt quite a few people who I cared about a long the way for which I wish I hadn’t done but I cant change the past and I can only apologise for my stupidity, whether people accept my apology or not is not up to me but luckily the understanding ones and friends in my life stuck by me and wanted to help me as I think they knew something was wrong, I was also wondering if I was better on my own, or if I would ever find anyone in the future who would want me for the person I was. I was very lost but I didn’t realise how bad things were becoming in my head.  You see looking at myself I might seem like a positive person who likes to do challenges and push myself but I don’t regard myself very highly at all!
My mum described me as a ticking time bomb and she wasn’t wrong.
Then came July where everything changed for me in a very bad way but also good ways.
I had started to think that actually no one would want me in the future and as I had done so much in my life I started to think a lot about ending my life, all my head was saying was what is there to live for??!! Silly now I look back but you have no idea how I was feeling Ive never had feelings and emotions like that before.
In late july had a breakdown (I didn’t know it at the time) and one night I did my best to hurt myself. I went out got more drunk then I ever had, I swallowed stuff I shouldn’t of and went completely off the rails for a few days, I said some silly things to friends about I had had enough of life and I hurt quite few people with my stupidity for which I never meant to happen and im truly sorry to all those I put through that and to those I hurt
This is the moment where it all changed after what I will call a suicidal wobble and I had been seriously thinking about it a lot, how , why, when, what way. Luckily Some very good friends talked me out of it before I did more harm to myself and it took me quite a while to get over that and recover from what id done to myself.

The feelings I had was I didn’t want to be alone and I didn’t want to face a future of CF and I had done a lot in life so why bother trying anymore in the future?
That was how I was going to justify myself in my own mind if I did kill myself.
I don’t think I ever really wanted to do it but I felt so low that I just wanted to cause pain to myself to feel pain and see what it did like I was testing myself to do it. I don’t think words can truly describe how I felt but all I know is I never felt that way before it’s such a surreal feeling to be in that state of mind. And its extremely unpleasant. I will never go back to them feelings again I have never been that low, felt that useless or unneeded in my entire life. And I now see my causing pain towards others as a cry for help. I just wish I hadn’t inflicted my pain on others like I did. I was a truly terrible person at that time.
I now see it as my epiphany moment because it finally opened my eyes to my own problems.
Over the coming days I contacted a councillor, I went to the doctor and got some anti-depressants and I realised I couldn’t cause pain like that again to myself and especially to others.

It took me a few days of being at my worst and in pain to start to see things!

I finally admitted I needed help!!
Within days I was visiting a councillor to discuss what had happened and to try and work out why and what was going on in my head and maybe the route cause of it all.
This is where I realised how bad I had let things get in my head.

• Deep routed unhappiness with my own life
• Fear of failure
• Fear of the uncontrollable (My illness)
• Fear of not ending things on my terms
• Fear of hurting those around me
• And deciding that being on my own was better than hurt people around me
• I push people away so to prevent further pain towards others like im trying to protect people when infact by pushing people away im already hurting them with my bad temper and mood swings.
• Deciding that I could control things alone (Which I could not) and it would be better if I didn’t bother other people with my problems.
• Overthinking causing distress
• Trying to hide things from others
• All the above causing me to feel trapped and confused
• All the above caused my breakdown
• I drank a lot to try and ignore what was really going on
• Being short tempered and abusive towards people close to me because of pretty much all the above
• Not wanting to talk to anyone further adding to my bad moods and anger
• Always focusing on the negative thinking that was the way to try and fix things and then overthinking and making it worse rather than solving anything again causing anger
• Actually not missing one thing or person but actually scared of not finding people or persons that will fully understand me and stick by me when I need them the most
• Not realising that the decisions I had made were the right decisions for me but scared of change.

That’s just a short list (no really it is) of the huge list of items my councillor noted on just our first meeting.
Basically I was scared of a lot of things, was losing my will to push myself and keep going. I was pushing people away because I didn’t want anyone around me and I was losing my understanding of what it was like to just be happy no matter what was going on in life. I was becoming deeply unhappy within myself and with my illness and couldn’t see that I couldn’t see a way out I was digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole. All this was making me feel stressed and depressed and angry and short tempered and I took my anger and unhappiness out on the people closest to me and that made me push people away or people walked away from me because I couldn’t see and they couldn’t see I was in a bad place but I never even knew I felt like that, well until I went to counselling that is.
Over the coming weeks and months I spoke to my councillor twice weekly at first then weekly to work things out.

And things started to come good. With a lot of help from my councillor and support and understanding of amazing friends and family (you know who you are) I started to change I started to head back to being the happy positive person I was 10 years ago when I was at my healthiest.
I was starting to let go of the feeling of being a burden on people!
Firstly I got over my fear of being alone and just craving for company and I stopped bothering people about it. I was starting to feel happy about what my current situation was and just being myself and on my own without feeling lonely
I worked out my fear of my illnesses and I let go of the feelings of maybe ending my life. It will end whenever my body finally gives up not because I should throw it away.
I stopped focusing on negatives and started to let the negative things out of my life by looking at the positives and pulling the positives closer. I didn’t have to push the negatives away I was letting them fall away and leaving them alone.
I stopped fearing failure and realised I can only control certain things and what I cant control I cant worry about. What will be will be and theres no point worry about things unless they happen.
I started to let my emotions come out more which helped me to start coming out of the hole I had dug myself. I was starting to feel less angry and happier. I wasn’t blocking things out or bunging my emotions up I was letting it all out. I now smile more than ever but I also cry a lot but not in a bad way I just let myself feel my emotions out I let myself feel what im thinking. I don’t ignore it anymore and I feel so much better for all the tears and smiles I have regularly. Its not negative to cry I just feel more in touch with myself.
I worked out why I was overthinking and why I was becoming confused. It was because I thought I could solve everything alone and was analysing everything too much but in reality I couldn’t I needed help from someone on the outside looking in with a better understanding, someone who could solve my problems. I was just going round and round in circles and it was making me feel terrible but by getting help from the counsellor that was just what I was getting and things were starting to look better.
It took me about 2 months to let go of my anger, my confusion, my overthinking, I stopped heavy drinking to forget or ignore my problems I just went back to enjoying a drink on a night out and having fun with my friends who were so understanding and I was starting to enjoy myself enjoy the life I had. I wasn’t pushing people away I was embracing my problem and I was honest and open to people about what I had done and what I had been through. I was feeling like my old self. I was happy I wasn’t worrying or overthinking I’d let all the nuisance in my life go. I wasn’t stressing out so easy and the thoughts of breakdowns and ending things were long gone. I wasn’t thinking about my illness negatively I was just like I used to be I was pushing myself I was doing all my meds I was trying to stay healthy and if I got ill I didn’t start overthinking why it happened. I just sorted problems out as they came. I was becoming the 20 year old me. Just doing the now not worrying, smiling so much enjoying things having fun, enjoying what I had in life. I was happy being single I was happy being in my own company, I wasn’t lonely anymore. I had all the good things in life again and I knew that it was all there to enjoy and not panic or stress over. 
One friend told me you have to be happy within yourself before you can be happy around or with others. And she was right. I was happy, I wasn’t looking to others to increase my happiness or find happiness or hide behind or to take away my loneliness. I knew I could be happy being single and on my own and not needing someone in my life to make me feel good. I was happy I was doing what I wanted and feeling positive about it all and feeling happy with the changes I was making in my life. If I did want to be in a relationship in the future I would do it not because I was lonely or needing someone to be there to try and feed off their happiness but because they made me feel wanted, made me happier than I already was and just wanted to enjoy life with what we already had and that I didn’t have to hide my problems from them because I wanted to protect them, I didn’t want to hurt someone again by pushing them away, I wanted understanding and help if I needed it without hiding and I wasn’t putting pressure on myself to be with that person I just wanted to find happiness without it being because I was scared of ending up alone. I wanted to find someone who brought no pressure just fun and laughs for all the right reasons not to try and hide behind. I was no longer looking for all the wrong reasons. I wasn’t searching I was just doing my own thing seeing what life had to offer. No forcing, no pressure just be happy and see what life shows you.

Getting over my short temper and moods was a huge step for me. Now nothing stresses me or makes me snap like it used to. I didn’t like the person it had made me become with my anger and temper and I can only apologise to the people who got my temper full on. I wasn’t nice to be around when I was moody. I realised during counselling I had had these temper problems for quite a while and mainly because of my own negative feelings towards myself and my illness
Using my counselling sessions I was letting my anger causing thoughts out and working out how to relieve my stress and anger and what was causing it to build up in the first place. It stems from my own dislike of myself and my illness and from me feeling like im being a burden on people. So I had to work out how to stop thinking all these thoughts and it was happening because I was overthinking everything which then caused my own confusion and then I would get angry because I couldn’t work it out then Id get angry over silly things, people would approach me at the wrong time and my anger at myself would be thrown at them. “What you doing today? Nothing fine bollox to it all” “you okay? Yes im fine do you mind” hhhmmm I was a proper stroppy selfish idiot at times. Sorry about that to those who I told to fuck off but I was no longer that person, by not feeling like a burden, by not overthinking, but not getting angry with myself and thinking how why where aye what? I was okay I wasn’t 100% but I was heading towards a better attitude no more anger and smiling a lot more, laughing, enjoying things and finally setting myself new realistic goals.
I really cant thank the counsellor enough for all the effort, hours, tears, paperwork and visits she put in to help me because of her I now there is help out there, I don’t feel ashamed no longer when I have a bad day to ask someone to help or to chat and they are always in contact with me via phone, email or in person I can always call on my counselling team when I feel Im slipping again.
And with my improvements came big changes in life in general and my own positivity.
I came off the happy pills and was fine no relapse no bad feelings, no negatives.

Finding a new goal now I was in a better place

I decided to find a new goal a new challenge to try for. I booked a place in the London to Brighton Bike ride to try and raise a few quid for the CF trust but most importantly to show myself I was okay and I could push myself for the right reasons and not because I was scared of myself. I was doing it to show myself I wasn’t a burden I was a happy person and I was going to enjoy doing it and have fun along the way. I only trained for 6 weeks to do it and I wasn’t prepared well to be honest but I wasn’t going to give up. I wasn’t fast, it hurt a lot but I did start it and I did finish it and I now have another lovely shiny medal to add to my challenge collection and im extremely proud of doing it and doing it for myself to show myself I wasn’t useless. I was here for a purpose I had a blast on that ride. Although the next day I really paid for the lack of training. I literally couldn’t move the next day. Still it was so worth it

I felt like I was back and although physically I’m not what I used to be, mentally there’s still plenty of time and life yet, I was the happiest id been towards myself and my illness since so long I cant even remember the last time I felt this happy and positive about myself. And although I now have loads of responsibilities and stresses that life brings with age I am just so happy, I am me again, that happy lad that liked to act silly, laugh, be sarcastic, take the micky out of myself, enjoy things that I had, not be so self-conscious about what I thought of myself or what others thought and I was still the caring person I always am I just feel like Jamie fox revision A.

In short terms I know now that I shouldn’t be ashamed of letting my illness affect me mentally and falling apart the way I did. I know there was contributing factors to my problems a bit like kindling to a fire but I cant change the things ive said and done now and while I am sorry to the people I hurt along the way I have come out of all the negatives a better fuller happier person with so much planned and to look forward to that im now excited about what I can do in the future and ill keep everyone updated on what I do as the months pass.

Anyway I digress
By this point in 2016 with everything feeling good for me and happy that I had started to change for the better and I was off the happy pills and just generally feeling carefree and just enjoying life I had sort of forgotten about what was fast approaching, my holiday had arrived and I went away with my family to Cyprus. There was 9 of us in total in the most beautiful location in our own villa with a pool and one hell of a view of the sunset in the evenings it felt like the perfect place to just relax and may be make a fool of myself once or two when I drank my own body weight in alcohol (well I was on holiday after all and alcohol on holiday always tastes better haha). We’ve all had our ups and downs over the last few years each of us fighting our own health battles or recovering from health issues and losses in life but with the stars aligned we were all lucky enough to be in the same place at the same time relaxing and having a very precious family holiday. And it felt like the perfect ending to a challenging year it was like going through a horror film and then walking in to alice in wonderland. It just felt like it was always meant to go that way id go through hell but be supported all the way and to welcome me when I had won the race would be the people who had supported me the most. My family
This year my family have really been my rock, my support and held me up when I wanted to fall down each and everyone of them supportive and understanding and even though they all had their own problems they all helped me and I can’t thank all of them enough for their love and support and I will always feel extremely lucky to have a family like mine. The holiday was a dream come true and I want to thank them for all that they all did and especially my mum and dad, despite what I did and put them through they never became disappointed by my actions but were just waiting to step in and help when the time was right and they been like that since the day I was born. They deserve a medal for putting up with me. Even at 31 years of age they still drop everything to be there for me. And my relationship with my parents is closer now than it has ever been. I still don’t think I truly realise how lucky I am to have parents and family there for me like I do.

When I was on holiday we had a family photo together in some magical places and it made my thoughts turn to how I would describe our family
We are just an ordinary family, Who’ve been through extraordinary experiences and we’ve all come out the other side closer and more supportive than eve. I’m very proud and lucky to be propped up by this lot when I feel like falling.
To my family and to my mum and dad I just simply want to say thank you for never giving up on me when I had given up on myself. I love you all so much and I never say thank you or I love you enough and sorry for the stress I caused in over the past 12 months trust me I won’t ever fall that low again but its because of all of you that I came back up and changed.
And to my friends who supported me aswell thank you especially to my closest and best life long friends and here’s to many more adventures together and fun and laughs in the future. Thank you aswell for helping me on the worst weekend I fell apart. You showed me so much when I felt so small.
So after holiday was over it was back to planning a few adventures, wanting to enjoy more holidays and even a few surprises.
And Surprises I hear you read, oh yes well in November I was asked by the hospital If I’d be interested in doing some more drugs trials. Without even thinking I of course said yes without even knowing what it was for. And I went for my screening visit and I’m so happy to say that in December I started a new drug as part of the 2 part trial and part 2 will start in January 2017. I can’t talk about it as I’m not allowed to but it was better than a lottery win with the drug I’m on and about to trial it could be a real turning point for me. Life changing, life altering, and life extending more importantly it gave me another boost to keep pushing against CF and the damage it is trying to inflict on me. I feel incredibly lucky to have been picked as so few will get this chance and I intend to make the most of any improvement I might get from taking part. I know the last trial I did ended badly with me being rushed to A&E due to some very adverse events but it hasn’t put me off. I’m sorry in advance to my family for any stress it causes but I know why I keep doing these things, I never want to feel stagnant towards my illness and if taking part in trials give me a chance to maybe gain a health boost and feel like I’m contributing towards progression no matter what it does to me good or bad I will always take part. I want to feel like I’m giving back to the doctors and CF trust in the way they have given me so much by treating me over the years and helping me to survive year on year and if I can give back to the people who try to give us so much even in some small way then I would like to keep doing trials while I’m still healthy enough to keep taking part. So for the next 6 months I’m looking forward to learning more about myself and my health during the trial. It’s one thing I’ve learnt is CF never stops trying to hurt you and you never stop learning about its pains and effects it has on us and I have a very keen interest to learn as much as I can if it helps me to improve in some small way it’s a bonus and I’m always open to learning about myself and what is affecting me.

I had also decided a few other things. For quite a few years I had wanted to have another child, a little brother or sister for my daughter Keira. I know she would make an amazing big sister but for a while my mind had started to change and throughout counselling my change of mind was becoming clearer. I realised that do you know what I am so happy in life and I don’t want another child in the future. I just want to enjoy life as it is now and with my ever changing health I’m not sure I want to put myself through the stress of it all and IVF would never be a quick process (as I wouldn’t be able to do things naturally) and I want to share all my adventures with my daughter Keira, I want her to come and enjoy some of the world with me just me and her and on family holiday adventures. I want her to see the world and doing that together would be hugely pleasing and is something Ive always wanted to do. And if I had another child me and Keira couldn’t do that together or at all. I’m very lucky to have Keira and she is all I want as a father. She’s always been my number one lady in my life since she first came in to my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way and I want her to know she is my number one and feel like it’s just me and her. So in the future Keira & I will be going on adventures all over the world together. She deserves everything I can give her and I want her to know how truly special she is to me and how thankful I am to her for making fatherhood so utterly enjoyable having her as my daughter is a once in a lifetime adventure that I want us to make even more fun than it already is.



Anyway let’s move on, where was I oh yes to 2017,

In 2017 I’m planning quite a lot:-
• I’m doing a wing walk  (March/April)
• I want to complete a triathlon   (May & August)
• I’m going back to Cyprus   (October)
• I want to visit Mexico for day of the dead (October)
• I want to take my daughter to New York  (December/January)
Possibilities
• Thailand or Vietnam
• Another huge physical challenge which I haven’t quite decided on yet
All the above I am working and saving hard to make happen and with my new found determination I know I will do everything on my list.



So how has 2017 started?
Very good indeed in fact, I’m enjoying the new drugs trial and looking forward to starting part 2 and learning more and more about myself and my illness to see if I can improve myself mentally and physically. I’ve finished my intensive counselling sessions and I’ve decided to have a few months break because at the moment I’m in such a happy feel good place that I felt that counselling had done its job and at present it couldn’t progress any further because I had got so much out and feel I’ve leant new and better ways to cope when I feel down or start overthinking again. I think someone once said I now have the tools to cope with anything life throws at me. So I’ve taken time off and see how I get on with my new found positivity and having released myself of all the negative thoughts and actions I felt like I wanted to see if all the talking, planning and changes were working and so far I’ve not had a bad day in months and everything I’ve learnt has worked just fine and I don’t see that changing any time soon. I put so much effort in to putting good changes in place and learning about myself that I just know I won’t go back to a dark place again. And I have a great support network in place should I need any further advice or help. I’m very positive about the future thanks to the help and changes that I’ve worked hard to put in place.

The Next big challenge
I’ve also started training for the next big challenge. To complete an Olympic distance Triathlon.
I’m under no illusion how hard taking on a triathlon will be especially the training and physical demands even more so with my bloody crappy lungs but I have 5 months to train for a sprint triathlon and 8 months to train for the full distance and I’m looking forward to the pushing of limits, training, the pain, the fear of failure but whatever happens I’m going to give it my all and even if I have to crawl over the finish line I will do it and add another shiny medal to my collection and my pride.  The biggest fear I have is swimming in open water. Cycling I’m fine and the run I will crawl to finish if I have to but swimming a mile in open water is what scares me most I know it sounds silly but a mile is a long way and what I hate most is not knowing what is beneath my feet, even when I go in the sea in a beautiful hot country with crystal clear water if I put my foot on a mouldy rock or seaweed I will scream like a girl, I hate that feeling. So wish me luck and I hope you will all sponsor me in what will definitely be my biggest challenge attempt to date. And of course the money I raise will be going to the CF Trust. My aim is to try my best to better my fundraising total of 3k from the 100 mile bike ride in 2015 and I hope you will all support me in helping me surpass that total and push me over the finish line.

So how do I end this blog?
Well im not too sure to be honest but I have tried my best to put my trials and tribulations in to words and I hope you enjoyed reading it and I didn’t waffle on too much. I’d like to say thank you to everyone who has helped me over the past 12 months, the CF team, the counselling team who have an absolute saviour to pull me out of the hole I was in and digging further down I owe you and huge amount of thanks for helping me go back to the happy person and positive person I once was without falling into my complicated self-conscious person I had become and especially thank you to the friends who helped me along the way, stuck by me when I fell apart and offered support and advice to show me it was okay to be broken and I shouldn’t be ashamed to ask for help. And finally to my family Im sorry for everything I put you through this year but thanks for always lifting me back up when I don’t have the will or strength to stand on my own two feet.

Simply Thank you to all who have been there for me and positive influence on my not just in 2016 but for many years before that your all one in a million and I couldn’t ask for better people around me.

So happy new year to all and I want to keep pushing and trying to achieve difficult things in 2017.

Change, painful experiences and never learning

So I haven't blogged in a while but with everything going on I thought I'd write a blog as it always helps me to vent my feelings and thoughts

Recently I had a big change in my life when someone close to me recently left my life. (No one has died but I won't go in to detail) 

Whether it's the right thing to happen in my life I won't say but I never cope with changes in my life like this whether it's right or wrong I never cope with big changes well it's just the person I am overthinking over worrying I hate change.

With this in mind I generally find solace in having a big blow out to try and compensate. That blow out has come in the form of stress and alcohol

People say I look fine but I have a very good poker face. For nearly four weeks now I've been out drinking when I've had free time and I've made quite an idiot of myself. I mean don't get me wrong I enjoy going out with mates and I've had some laughs and some very caring friends but I'm the sort of person who only used to drink and going out like every few months and that was it and I'm not the type to drink at home and all I've done every week for four weeks is go out and drink when I'm on my own. Filling time 

Don't get me wrong I've put the odd training session in to do some new challenges but I've lost my focus on them goals and I'm just not quite ready to stop my blowout yet

In time I know things will be fine and everything happens for a reason but I still always need to time adjust its just the person I am.

I'll be okay I always sort myself out. Time is what I need. 

My health has been up and down lately recently too (yes yes I know drinking will never help it blah blah) and it's made me realise a lot. I'm not the positive person I once was about cf. don't get me wrong I'm not letting my routine slip I'm still doing all my tablets and nebulisers but lately my head has gone to happy with my health especially after my recent hospital check ups showed good progress to knowing I'm closer to my end than my beginning and that has affected me massively, I can't shake it 

Don't get me wrong I'm not scared of my obvious ending I just can't stop thinking about it and it's making me see things so much differently. 

Like I'm now set on being on my own is better because it affects less people in the future. You know no plans no worries of what may come when I don't plan on anything to arrive. 

I'm an idiot with how I think things through but its the way I learn to cope although I never learn really when it comes to getting things right

But it is my short life and I'll always live it how I see fit and if it means I take my time, drink too much and damage my health before I come out the other side then that's what will happen. 

I've never been one to know when to stop I've been one to get things wrong but never to rush when it comes to sorting myself out. My councillor has got one hell of a job on her hands and I think she has realised that over the past two weeks of multiple conversations I really feel sorry for her having to deal with me haha but like she says my journey to new beginnings insane even started yet.

Wow I've waffled on haven't I, you can just tell from what I've written how scrambled my head is. See this is why I write so I can type absolute rubbish but feel better for it. Although whether Its working is debatable 

Anyway I digress 

My head is like a puzzle with missing pieces but even though pieces are missing you can still see the picture. Isn't that a strange way to view your own life?! 

In fact that proberly fits my life perfectly

Anyway for now I'm happy just being an idiot until the time comes when I realise somethings wrong or my body tells me to sort it out 

Sorry I waffled on. 

And secondly sorry to all the people I've hurt and offended lately. If you'll understand it's just my way of sorting myself out. Until then here's to idiocy stupidity and possibly never learning but it's how I've always lived

Thanks for reading if you've got this far 

2016 new year new me, yeah I wish same old me just a different day and random ramblings

So

It's 2016 

And here goes a few words, random words, fears and scares mainly scared I may bore you reading this

And I haven't blogged since the bike ride, I'm not sure why but inspiration hasn't been a problem it's just turning thoughts into words has been hard. 

So what's happened

Well in October I reached the milestone birthday of 30 years of age. 

To be honest I didn't know what to expect but making 30 as much as it's an anticlimax it is at least something I never thought I'd see and another year to at least celebrate life. 

There's been a few challenges within the family but that's not for me to say on here. It just makes you realise how lucky you are sometimes and how much we should appreciate life. It's extremely precious. And not to be taken for granted

I have decided that in 2016 I want to try and do a triathlon

My biggest problem is confidence in myself and reality. I have been on my bike occasionally and started to run/walk but nothing serious yet but I have finials got my plans together and diet theories and what I need to do. So the serious work starts this month just like training for the bike ride did this time last year.

My biggest problem is self confidence, I'm seriously doubting whether I can even do this let complete it. I mean you may find this odd but I could get on my bike now even though I've not done any serious miles lately and I could easily go and do 20-30 miles in a couple hours on the road and I can do interval training which is planned to help me improve in speed and on hills yet I'm still getting hugely breathless walking up some stairs and generally walking up hills etc really does me in.

Two days ago I walked up a hill close to where I grew up, I used to ride and run up that thing like it was nothing but two days ago I had to walk up it slowly and keep stopping then when I made the top I was overjoyed right before it caused a huge coughing fit followed by mouthfuls of phlegm and this keeps happening. Maybe I'm just ill and with the weather being like it is I'm just struggling to stay just a tad healthy at the moment but it doesn't help me mentally.

I'm hoping to swim nearly a mile then ride 25 miles and finish with only only 7.5 mile run to complete a full Olympic distance triathlon. I'm going to have to work hard in training the bike ride taught me that but I'm also going to have to shorten my expectations to be able to do it. The bike distance is the only bit I feel happy about doing right now. I can just about run/walk 3 miles right now in 40 minutes. 

My plan is to train for the run and bike ride first do a duathlon or two in April time and then aim for a triathlon in July/August with the plan to start swimming in February once I feel happy with other parts of training and not start open water swimming until warmer weather arrives in May time but by then at least be able to swim a decent distance in a swimming pool. Ben Mcghee I will be calling you when I need someone to drag me along in the water oh I mean train with haha 

Am I aiming too high? I feel so, doesn't mean I won't try I just have to battle my mental demons if there's such a thing!!

And my mental demons stem from how I feel about my lungs or lack of as the case maybe 

It's the age old question for people with CF

Transplant or not? 

And recently I've seen people go through transplants and similar things and I admire them hugely and wish I was as brave as them and I have been hugely inspired by people's stories lately you are all amazing for doing it and coping so well,going for a better life seems like the logical and right answer I just wish I could see it like that

At the end of the day I see myself as a wimp when it comes to my health, yes I do my tablets, medicines, nebulisers and exercises and go about daily life but that to me seems normal. Doesn't mean I'm not scared of my condition, scared stiff in fact. You just learn to live with fear. Someone once said you don't know what life is until you experience fear. And fear about my condition is what makes me smile laugh and enjoy my life so much. I enjoy the good days and learn to cope with my own head on bad days. It's what makes fun days and good days even better

Funny isn't it how we all live life differently. I think mine is very weird for people looking in but it works for me, I just have to constantly reset to make sure it keeps working

I have noticed I'm rambling here but sometimes I just like to write what comes into my head

Anyway the age old question is still one I'm not prepared to answer yet. I thought I was but no not yet, it's like a never ending story.

I recently read a quote that I think fits so well

"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about, be kind"

Very apt I thought. It's also how I live, I see my situation as an example to think "what if the person I just held the door for or who helped get something off the shelf has there own demons and fighting a battle I don't know" but at least that one second was something less to worry about or made them realise not everything in this world is cruel, small mercies big differences 

Anyway I mumble again, see what my heads like nothing is in line, yet I know it's working for me somehow haha 

So back to the real situation

Mental demons or barriers as some may see it.

Day to day I can function fine, train work cook life a normal life but stick me on my own for too long and I overthink worry and maybe panic a little. They say living in your head is like your own prison mines no exception but i have learned to cope and I'm grateful for everything, it's not a curse it's a blessing, I have ways and means may sound cruel but it's that famous quote, "there's always worse things in the world" and I see it as I'm not unfortunate I'm lucky to be the person I am have the life I have and live the way I do

I live in my reality where I don't have to worry about my own reality as its already planned out for me whatever I choose j. I'm aware and quite happy to accept my life and I'm very grateful for everything and everyone in it. 

And that really is my life in a nutshell. Two paths and I'm happy to accept either. You can't change the obvious so why worry about it??!!

Life as I've written it may sound complicated to most I mean live with CF isn't simple but it's my life but I've made it simple in my own way. I don't worry about day to day or what may be coming 

It's complicated from the outside but I've made it work so I see it as simple.

Now answer this as an ending.

Would you want to experience my life for a day out of curiosity to see if it really can be simple? 

Or would you trust my words that say it's complicated in someone's head who deals with a lot but let me deal with it!! 

After all you don't have to so why should you worry.

 There's a lot of us out there who do it and I'm not silly to even think for a second to feel like I'm the only one in fact it's a comfort to know many others deal with many different things

That's life isn't it surely??

And I don't mean to say that in a harsh way it's just life

Remember

Everyone fights a battle we know nothing about 

Do you know what maybe I should study philosophy 

And that's how I live and work

Complicated but for me it's simple. You can't change what's already happened so do what makes you happy and have fun with it

I mean why worry?? 

I may be scared of life but I don't worry. I still sleep easy at night why should I not??!!

I hope this wasn't boring

For me it's fun to write and ramble with words and mutterings