Why has 24 hours in A&E made me want to write a blog?
Well simple really it's filmed at the hospital I go to for cf team appointments and receive IV treatment.
I love watching it as I am sort of in love with kings college.
Why would I love a hospital? I hear you think, well I'm in love with kings because when I'm ill it makes me better, it's a comfort thing to know I'm in the place that will make me better when I'm at my worst, my lowest.
To me you should always love something that makes you better gives you comfort when u need it, makes you feel wanted when your lonely. im not just talking about kings itself but the whole ward the staff and the friends ive made in the years ive spent there, loved and lost in some cases too.
it's just like a relationship,don't get me wrong you hate the place and do your best to stay away from it but your always drawn to it sometimes forced to it but you always come out better and its always there in the hard times to put an arm round you and say
"It's going to be okay"
I know for some its not like that and some people they haven't come out of there ever again but that's not happened to me yet so I can still love the place
And I will still love the place to my final breath!
I'm honest about that because for all the negatives I've had there and bad times and the odd swear word I've thrown at people I cannot say that it hasn't helped me
I've been attending kings for over 10 years now and in all that time and days and weeks I've stayed there ive possibly only had 10 bad days out of the hundreds of days I've been there
Without that place and its people even though they are struggling to build a ward upto other hospitals standards (which is not their fault) I would be dead or seriously sick without them
Some people on my CF team are like family to me because they make you feel that way and most of them dare I say it know more about me than my family or friends will ever know
But that's most likely a good thing because they don't want to know some of the things the doctors know or have to do to me haha and I don't want them knowing either
The last few weeks have been tough for me mentally
The last few weeks I've been in a bad place mentally, I recently became very ill and didn't really know why or how and it has hit me quite hard. I mean I'm feeling better now and may just may have conquered whatever was doing me harm but its hurt me.
Physically I feel an absolute wreck, I've had bad stomachs, check infection and been throwing up far too much for my liking and despite that I've still been doing nebulisers 6 times a day and 40 tablets a day everyday without fail and then doing AD physio to help my lungs even more and recently walking my new Beagle puppy to get exercise and help my lungs even more than physio
All that while still trying to smile and hide that I'm ill, I don't like to show it even to those most close to me but somedays I just feel like curling up and I have been really bad as the question I so rarely think has attacked me
What question?
Why me??? Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh
I hate asking myself this as its something me or anyone out there will ever answer but it plays on my mind.
Recently I've had days where I've just shouted when no ones around gritted my teeth and I have even shouted at people when I didn't mean to.
I can't help it.
My head is a unsolvable rubix cube
I have had the odd thought of fuck it I'm having a day off from everything. But I can't then I get angry and upset because I know I can't but I just want to rest stop relax
CF is hard mentally and physically because its something you can never stop fighting and not always fight to get better but sometimes fight just so you don't get worse.
And that's how I feel
I'm fighting to just stay around not get worse, what's the point I'm working harder now on health that's worse than I was 10 years ago when I was getting fitter
I know I know I shouldn't be like this but it's hard
And that is where my mental state is being hit hardest.
At the moment I just keep thinking why
Why me
Why do that
Why do this
Why not
Why isn't it working
Why am I worse today
Why was I better yesterday.
It's always questions.
I know how bad its got because I finally admitted to my mum and girlfriend that I'm not right I'm not well I need help. And in more ways than just medicine will help
I should say that work have also been amazing for me lately, they have given me all the time in the world to get better and work from home as much as I need and I think without that I would have just chucked the towel in by now got really ill and ended up with a midline in my arm attached to drugs for multiple hours and with my head being how it is lately I just think it would have made me worse.
I may still end up in hospital for IV but I feel at least I've given myself a chance to have a go at it without help.
I have started debating going to a psychiatrist for help just to talk outside the box and see what it does.
Maybe I need someone like that to teach me some new mental exercises
I don't want to say I'm weak, I'm not but there's only so many times you can read the same book before you know every word and it just doesn't give you that feeling anymore
One thing is for sure without my family, girlfriend, daughter and friends around me I already would have been worse.
I sometimes get angry as its hard to explain how I feel but even though they may not understand it they all come out with the odd word or two that just makes me listen and think good about myself
Here's some amazing things that have happened recently
Like texting my girlfriend for help i was basically in tears at breaking point and without a hint as soon as she walks through the doors she there.
To my little girl saying "I think you should eat more biscuits and sweets daddy it will make you better (I love her so much for being so good with me)
And my little girl doing practically all the shopping for me with the only thing I did was pay she just gets it and its hard to explain but she is so switched on I don't have to explain many things with my health it's like she just knows it and she's never afraid to ask me
To my best friend who I text saying I just feel down and I'm a burden
He practically replied to me saying "fuck off you idiot we are all here for you"
That just made me smile in the moments when crying and feeling shit was all I thought I could do
I will snap out of it
Just right now I'm not ready i just need time and I have to thank everything and one around me from people, family and to work for understanding and letting me be, even if they can't help its just what I need
I finally want to say sorry
Sorry for feeling the way I do, sorry to everyone close to me for saying and shouting the things I have and sorry I shouldn't hide away but I need to and sorry I can't do more i just want to relax, when I'm better mentally I will work harder.
Just not yet give me a moment please.
Thank you for reading
I'm sorry to blab on
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