The Undateables brings back memories of How I used to feel with CF

It’s a funny thing suffering with an illness. You feel fine but different but you don’t know what different feels like as you don’t know what it feels like to feel normal. Not breathless and dependant on meds.

We only know how to feel as a CF sufferer but as we know no different to have cf and feel like we do is normal.

What’s the saying? You never miss something you’ve never had.

Well its true. I don’t know what normal feels like but that’s okay as im a better person for cf im sure.

Watching The Undateables last night showed that people no matter what should never hide away and more importantly there are people out there willing to help people get out there and show people who they are and tell them its fine to be you and if you are shown disappointment its okay we wont give up helping you.

Im not just talking in dating terms but it must also help them in general to feel good and think yeah who cares this is me I cant change so you either accept it or move on to someone else.

That’s quite a unique attitude to take but I feel it is an attitude that is only found in people with unique situations.

I mean most people wouldn’t think like that if they haven’t got something unique to overcome in the first place.

People who suffer from Illness, deformities, learning difficulties and problems due to accidents etc all have something in common. When it happens and you start to understand what happens you start to worry

That common feeling is :-

“Will the world accept me for who I am? What happens if im insulted by someone who doesn’t care, or know, or chooses just to bully me? How do I act? Do I just act normal? And Learn from my difficulties to make me cope with things in the best way possible

Or

Do I do the safest thing and stick with those close to me and just stick to what I know?

Or

Do I hide away?

When I was getting into my Teens I decided to Hide away and stick to what and who I knew.

I had my friends in school and where I lived and even though I was okay I felt like I wanted to hide from it all.

The reason being was I had really started to understand what I was suffering from and I of course got loads of questions in school What? Why? How? And the classic in school Was, “Can I catch It?”

It wasn’t that people were trying to be offensive they just wanted to know. Some want to know to be nosey, some want to know because their worried they will get it and others want to know because actually they just genuinely want to know more about it and want to get to know you.

I learned who these people were very quickly. That said there wasn’t many bad people at the school I went to I got on with plenty of people, and never fell out with anyone over being offended by questions. And I never had a fight.

You could say All was okay but I didn’t feel like that. I just wanted to avoid everything, the questions, the answers and the odd remark.

To me going home after school and hiding in my room was the easiest and safest thing to do.

It really started when doing PE I was always active and quite fit andf was able to keep up with most people in various activities, but one thing I Couldn’t do was athletics.

I was having a go at the 400m when trying my hardest not to be last (Although I was quite a way back) I collapsed and for the next couple minutes I didn’t remember much. The first thing I remember is being surrounded by people. And the Teacher checking I was okay.

It made me really start to think about what I couldn’t do and I felt uncomfortable being the one who needed help. That’s what made me start to think of hiding away and that way I would be safe. I don’t really know why it happened to me but I turned shy and wanted to just hide.

When your hiding it’s a strange but some people would say comforting feeling. No questions or answers needed. No explanations or bad remarks no bullying and no feeling of insecurity.

Yet really being hidden away you are insecure. I found myself always thinking that people would now be talking about me because I choose to hide. Funny how the mind works.

Im glad to say It didn’t last long. Towards the end of school I was feeling very closed and had started to plan my future like my new job and college and this made me feel worse. I have to say that im very lucky that my true close friends never desserted me and they actually got fed up of me trying to hide so they helped me to start coming back out of my hiding place and they never gave up having to pull me out of a hole until such time that I felt better being out with friends and new faces than I did hiding away.

When I got my first car I was scared to go out. Not the driving bit I loved driving but meeting new people.

I shouldn’t of been scared. I made some amazing friends and even best friends in dover and they never made me feel like I hated the questions they made me feel like they were interested in who I was. And this helped me to really open up and start to enjoy going out and about meeting people and trying new things and they even helped me to start dating which I had dreaded but it turned out I was better for being open then being closed.

I once remember waiting outside a night club with a few friends. We used to go and sit a bunch of us parked on a hill next to the place called the shadows and wait to pick friends up and have a laugh at the usual drunks.

 An old school friend came out who I hadn’t seen for nearly 2 years. Their reply was “wow what happened to the shy quiet Jamie Fox from school who never liked talking to people? Who certainly seem to have made friends with a lot of people?”. It made me realise how bad id been in school.

I was not shy at all but because id choosen to hide that is how people saw me. I actually had quite a few friends in school but people who I never was friends with in school had got this impression just from the way id acted in school.

In reality Im never shy nor quiet and Im told quite often to shut up haha.

Being open and not afraid of life anymore has made me the best person I can be and ive had some great fun and experiences along the way and Im forever grateful to all my friends who stuck by me when I hid and to those who became new friends by accepting who I was and just letting me be apart of their fun without worrying and becoming close friends made me feel very happy with life and secure even if someone ever questioned me I am now very happy to answer as best I can and as many times as im asked I will reply. Ive realised ti for the better to show people who we are then to show what im not.

So many people in life help so many others without realising it. Like so many did for me.

That’s why I love watching undateables. It shows people who have a unique attitude to life and don’t care about the negativity. And that people are out their willing to help anyone stranded take their hand show them a way and say go on, but don’t worry if you get lost give me a shout im right behind you.

The world would be a better place if more loving, caring people helped those who are lost. And in tern those lost people start to forge their own paths and show people along the way what their made of.

That’s how I feel. I love spreading the awareness of what ive got and who I am but there was a time I hated admitting it. But many close people, friends in my life helped me by helping me notice I wasn’t really different at all I was just like them, people just had to accept who I was.

And that is why more people need to be more open to what they see and hear. Too many people are ignorant and do not see how different things around them could be. If they realised that everyones different then maybe it would help them to notice others a little bit more.

The world is a better place for whose who are giving and unselfish.

So many of us have friends who are open and helpful, honest and loving. But I bet We don’t have many friends who we feel bad people in our lives do we?

Everybody makes mistakes. Ive made plenty but I learnt from all of them.

I will never be selfish.

In a way im bad for that I forget to look after myself when im concerned about others.

All I can say is all those who I treasure in my life now have always made me feel loved and wanted no matter if I see them every day or just once a year and they have always helped me no matter what.

It’s a shame that the world is not a better place.

There will always be war and terror. We cannot choose when and where. But we can choose the better people in life.

And That’s why the undateables isn’t just about people with problems in many different forms, its about showing that no body should be left out, everybody should find love and everybody has a place. And most important of all, this place is full of people willing to help those less fortunate find and enjoy the same things we all deserve

Thank you to all of those that have helped me throughout my life. You may not even know you’ve hel[ped but I don’t forget who you are.

I just can't do what I used to but that's no bad thing

Well over the last few weeks of hospital treatment and recovering and recouping I'm feeling better than I have in nearly two years and it feels amazing

But I also know I can't do what I could when I was 21 lol

At 27 years of age I have come to realise if I want to stay healthy I'm going to have to work extra hard and change a few things which may mean giving things up quite a bit

But that's no bad thing and it leads to a longer healthy brighter future

My work list/to do list for future has to be

1. More sleep if I'm to keep my energy levels up and give my body the best chance of fighting illness
2. Keep up the appetite putting weight on has helped my improve in general and in many different areas

3. Keep up the gym 3 times a week at least

4. Keep up the nebulisers

5. Keep up the physio and more often

6. Drink less if any alcohol at all, don't get me wrong i worked out in 2012 I only went out 4 nights drinking in all and I didn't drink over Xmas and new year but drank recently and as a consequence of that it played havoc with my diabetes and gave me 40 hours of hiccups as it also messed up my tablets and that was no good feeling and I was embarrassed to go to a and e and say er can you cure my hiccups, to be told I'm an idiot and it was most likely my fault trying to drink as much as possible (but I had a great night and I will no doubt do it again just not so bad lol) in general alcohol doesn't like me anymore but I won't give up entirely I mean I will still have a night out once in a while but not drink such a large amount lol

7. Relearn my diabetes, giving up the alcohol will of course help but surprisingly as I now eat more I'm finding it easier to control so I'm having to rewrite my own instruction manual

8. Sort out my insomnia, I'm finding myself having to use sleeping tablets more and more and I'm noticing it may not be too good for me so I'm off the tablets and onto counting sheep

9. Prepare and complete tough mudder

10. Try to enjoy myself a bit more in future with so many things going on with my health I feel I have lost the ability a little to have fun and laugh more often. I mean I haven't cried over my problems but I prefer to laugh at them and overcome them instead of worrying and thinking oh dear is this the year I mess it up.

11. Go on holiday, just because I haven't had one in nearly 2-3 years and I want to see more of the odourless it's got so much beauty and I've merely scratched its surface

12. Show people more of my world through my blog, twitter and Facebook and talk to more cfers, I have already started this but I feel I need to put more out there and show more past present and future to the world.

13. And final and I had to have 13 for 2013. I have a huge ambition to do a charity event for the cystic fibrosis trust. I don't want to reveal too much but it involves 3 things in 24 hours. And I will be roping some special friends to help me as they have experience of what I want to do and I got to convince my girlfriend to do it, just because well she needs to be there :-)

So there's my aims my consistent requirements and goals.

I hope you will help spread the word of my blog twitter and Facebook as I wish to learn more from other cfers and disabilities and show what and who I am more but I can't do it without you all showing others who I am

Thank you in advance

Oh and happy new year to you all

I hope you all have amazing goals that you are aiming for just like me

12 becomes 13, Lacking consistency and my gym mojo

Well 2013 is here

December 2012 went quickly for me mainly because 3 out of the four weeks I was off work and 2 of them weeks I was doing IV treatment in hospital and at home.

Anyway this is all finished and the fitness has progressed nicely. Although I admit I have not been to the gym for the past week (As its been the festive period) I am now getting back on the gym wagon starting tonight.

My chest feels good even if I do still feel a little phlegm on my chest (Which I will clear tonight i hope at the gym and doing exercise at home) and im ready to carry on shifting the nasty stuff by going to the gym and doing all my usual tablets and treatments etc etc.

My body feels nearly back to where it used to be if still a little lighter and unfitter than before but its the best its felt in years.

Now I need to recover the week ive had off in the gym by hitting it hard. At least 3 times a week and i do feel like that week missed at the gym was not a good idea as its made me feel guilty not going but I know I have the motivation to claw anything lost back and progress more.

So tonight the work continues on a improved physical me and a better trained me in time for tough mudder 2013.

I have not given up on doing it even if others have.

At least even if i have to crawl over the line I can say I done something ive never done before and im a fitter better person for it.


I had alot of time to think about things in hospital and my overall conclusion was that im not consistant with the things i must do to keep myself healthy and because of this im not exactly helping myself or my future.

So why am I lacking in consistency? Im just being lazy simple as that although sometimes things have tested me previously

So this year my resolution (Even though I dont really belive in them) is to be more consistant with myself when it comes to eatting, tablets, fitness, treatments and generally making sure I do not forget to do things and stop thinking "Oh I just cannot be bothered.

In life in general I find it boring to be consistant doing the same things day in day out but when it comes to my health I haave come to realise its the one area where being boring and being consistant it vitally important for my life

And plus I hate being nagged or pestered to see if im doing things or if ive done something so by being consistant these questions wont bug me no more because I will already have the answer for them

YES I HAVE

DONT WORRY ALREADY DONE

and my favourite soon to be answer

YEP ITS DONE


The key to my success is myself and these last few weeks of treatment and exercise have shown what I can become again and I like the old me that ive rediscovered and would like to see the old me return

After all sometimes bad things are boring.

Im finding it much easier to be a fitter me than i was a poorly me and I like that feeling

You could say its a drug and I want to be addicted to better, good, okay, more and more

Not "oh no not again, yeah I cant im ill"

I hate saying "no, i cant, or im not able to"

I Like to say YES

So 2013 for me is all about the yes I can, consistency is my friend not boredom and yes is the best word in the dictionary or I hope it is for me in the future.

So heres to the gym, fitness, fun, new me (but its just the old me but improved), keeping my goals in my sight and enjoying things a little more.

Ive missed alot in the last 12 months because ive been ill but the end of the year with a little motivation showed me an uphill trend.

Hills are hard to climb but I like a challenge and I will be better for it


Put it this way

Can you the person who is reading this blog do 45 minutes on a cross trainer sports programme?

I CAN

And how many people (Normal or with illness) Say that?

Soon I hope to be able to say

I can do an hour on the cross trainer, and swim xx lengths in the pool and run 3 miles (Thats my aim) without stopping like I used to be able to

Right now im not at my happiest but happiness doesnt come from doing nothing it comes from hard work.

Like they say work hard, play hard. That may sound corny but its true. No one becomes a better person by doing nothing.

Im not looking for muscle or anything impossible just something I know I can do time and time again and over the last few weeks you could say getting better in hospital and being able to do what I like at the gym I found my MOJO.


Whats your plans for the year?


Good luck to all who have goals and to those who dont make some, its better to try at something than do nothing at all

hospital treatment is finished but for how long

on monday i finished my latest iv treatment course of antibiotics.

its been a good success

and infact its the best ive felt in quite a while

im still not hundred percent but i have got close to it these last two weeks
my diabetes is better controlled, my chest feels okay and alot clearer. theres still more to clear as today showed im now clearing what i hope is the last of the pluggy thick bloody old mucus that has been affecting me the most.

all i got to do now is keep up the gym and monitoring everything and of course keep up the consistence that has made me feel so much better lately

i havent been to the gym for 5 days but its been christmas so ive enjoyed scoffing and putting on weight and enjoying feeling so much better

the problem i have now is sleep problems im struggling to get a normal sleep pattern back but its not a major it will come back in time and plus i feel more energetic now and can deal btter with the lack of sleep and exhaustion

i still need to work on my fev1 lung function but two weeks is a short period of time and i feel very happy to be motivated and i actually miss not going to the gym the last few days and im looking forward to going back

my main goals for the net few months are

build up my strength and stamina
build up my body at the gym
get in to a better mental state as im still down slightly but starting to change after seeing how ive improved in hospital is helping me change my state of mind
keep up the consistence with my drugs diabetes and fitness

and of course my final and most important aim is

to stay healthy and get fitter and stay out of hospital as long as possible

no one know the future but im positive enough that i can now start to write my own future

the last two weeks have showed i may not be as fit and as healthy as i used to be but i can certainly get close to it.

happy new year to you all and make 2013 your own thats what i intend to do

after all ive got tough mudder to do and im not backing down in something i feel so strongly about

How I used to express my feelings and time I showed a bit more even if it is strange

When I was younger I used to sort of write a blog but on paper and I used to write it more to myself as a third person. For years I did it but no one ever saw it until recently and I have actually now lost the papers
But I know exactly what I wrote

Those feelings and thoughts don't go away

I'm sat here in hospital looking out the window at that there London Town listening to my music and to my own thoughts

So I thought I'd write a little down about how I feel when I'm like this and let you read it

Sorry if any is upsetting but no point being blunt its boring

I'm going to talk about how I strangely accept things in no uncertain terms

So it's currently 12:30am most people by now are either asleep working or drunk (pick which one you was at that time)

Me well I'm sat here in hospital going through my usual cant sleep lets think

I love looking at London it's beautiful, it's a place I love to come to and could more than likely live here. Not work though oh it's to busy but live here would be great moving at your own pace watching others rush to work at the necessary pace to get somewhere at the right time

It's thought provoking to watch

"Why the rush? What are you late for?"

It makes me think "life waits for no man"

Never a moment to stop in that moment of "I must get there"

Powerful to think but even more amazing (well I think so anyway) to be the person who gets to watch it happen. I love it because it makes me think so much about life

Why is there times when we are in such rush but yet times when rushing feels stressful and unnecessary because actually we don't HAVE to do anything

We can actually come and go as we please, we are never forced. We just choose to sometimes think it forced. It's not (although my boss would disagree as would yours no doubt)

Except

For people who have illnesses or know the end is approaching it feels necessary to sometimes rush. Well it does for me sometimes. Others may differ

I mean who would want to miss that opportunity, that moment, that view, that place, that feeling?

I don't, and now you see why sometimes it's necessary to be somewhere at a certain time.

What's that saying curiosity killed the cat? It always gets the better of people. I'm no different.

I will always want that thing, feeling, moment, view, opportunity, to be in the perfect place to breath slowly pause and see what's before me. It's properly why I've made great choices, mad choices, bad choices, unwise and regrettable choices, and may be one or two drunk choices, I'm only human to have made a mistake or two surely? Even if I missed what I went out for its nice to know I tried I at least went I just didn't get it right.


I'm sat here in hospital looking around my room.

How do I feel?

I'm okay here, I feel safe, I feel like I'm expected to become better, feel better, do better

I feel I should come out faster than went I came in. It's quite a powerful feeling to feel your expected to do better, if a little nerve racking (cue lung function machines and I'm sweating)

But I'm sat here with truths to face,

People don't get the chance I do to come out
People I know get better here
They also get worse here.
Most leave, some don't
I've known people who never left
Opportunities stolen,
Choices forced

It's a fine balance in my mind of 50/50 of the list I have in my head

If I do well and fend off cf for many years to come I will be in and out of here as and when necessary but I still know I'm able to walk out

If things go well I will most likely die here in many years down the line
If things go badly I will most likely die here sooner than I know
T
Time is uncertain, but opportunities when taken and pushed are not

That's why when I'm here I tire myself out because I push, I want the right things, the good things and to work hard knowing its to get out feeling better and motivated to go on. To be able to walk out that door

Would I do all that if I knew it wouldn't work and I wouldn't be walking out
NO, but like I said time is uncertain

It's just right then that I'm cocky in the fact I'm 100% certain I'm walking out better everytime

All that feeling comes from stopping and looking at things, the passerby, the optimism

It's funny because I sit here knowing I will likely die here and you know what? I'm happy with that feeling its easy to control that feeling, how or why I'm happy may be odd but

When I'm here I know I get better, I'm in good hands they care they watch they study and learn you

Now I'm that passer by with a place to be and the hospital is the one watching thinking "why the rush"

So to know this could be my place to die is cool because for many years it helped me get back up, rub me down patch me up and say oh on your way, but when it can't do that no more it can be there to say, "it's okay sit back and let us do the rest"

So you see me get better,me get out, or help me I know it's simple but in my mind death and hospital and my health make me feel amazing and they motivate me not scare me

To me it's comfort I'm okay here and many years I will feel the same

Come and go


See I'm a cocky lad but if I wasn't I'd hate to even bother

Either way

I will be OKAY

And

Either way

I will still go out them exit doors

Is that odd?

Because to me it's a safety thing

But

It's okay I know I'm going nowhere other than where I want to

I'm fine right here but prepared and that makes me happy that I'm doing okay, i need nothing more

And that's what my love for London makes me feel

Strange ? Maybe!

But after all


Why the rush?

I'm happy to take my time on this planet

Rush? Nah I'm having to much fun and I haven't run out of wanting everything

Never will

But im ready for force

If I wasn't I could smile be sarcastic and say "hello death, oh yes you've gone the wrong way"

"Keep walking lol"

Hospital, progress and a sense of regained feeling of something I thought was long lost

Well it's day four of being in hospital and I must say I'm buzzing with how I feel today.

When I came in Monday I was nervous and thought oh god here we go same old shit I don't think this is going to work

But

After talking to the doctors getting my line and starting the drugs, physio and gym I feel ok and that yeah the plan may just be working. I feel the doctors are bang on and they are really listening and working hard with me to get things right.

It started nicely you know meet new doctors discuss the usual and a plan ahead

In simple terms my plan is

Get line in
Start drugs
Physio
Gym
Rest but never rest long enough to keep working hard

I'm on timentin and tobramyzin

I started off easily but the drugs are four times a day around the clock

Heres my day roughly but times can change but not what has to happen each day

6:30am

Check diabetes level
Do timentin

7:15am

finish timentin
Take one a day tablets approx 10 tablets
Carry out observations
Get more sleep

8:30am

Breathing exercises
Nebuliser
Get breakfast

10am

Gym
Do nebuliser
Breathing exercises
Check diabetes


12 midday

Ivs timentin followed by tobramyzin
Lunch
Check diabetes

2pm

Finish drugs

3pm

Physio/breathing exercises
Doctors visit

5pm

Check diabetes
Dinner

6pm

Do timentin

6:45pm

Finish drugs
Check diabetes

7-11pm.

Rest up if I can

11-12pm

Check diabetes
Do timentin

12:30pm

Finish drugs

3am

Check diabetes

And that is basically a day for a cfer on a cystic fibrosis hospital ward

Busy and exhausting but if all goes well it wells very much perfect and the hard work has paid off

I will have to do this for approx two weeks depending on how my health is and how I improve

If all goes well I may only have to do a week at hospital then be allowed to go home and do treatment from home for a further week but the routine must remain the same at home

No let up can be had

This admission is an important one though and most likely the most important of my life if I intend to live a longer future and to get my health back to where it should be.

After the last 12 months I noticed its been my worst as a cfer and its been hard but I haven't stopped I've tried and failed but never just stopped

Now I'm trying again in this hospital visit

And failure is not on my mind this time

Why?

Because this time I think the combination of drugs physio and hard work on my part aswell as the doctors and physios is nearly perfect provided it keeps working till the end of the planned two week treatment

Why do I think it's the right combination and working as best as it could?

Easy to explain

We are monitored in many different ways but importantly we are measured by our physical abilities or lack of it to start with and how we then progress over the two weeks
This can be seen in our gym work but more obviously by our lung function tests

On Monday when I arrived I was tired and my lung function was 2.1 fev1 and 3.3 overall capacity
Or in percentage terms about 60%

So with a theoretical plan in place me and the staff set to work

Gym started slow on Tuesday I could only 20 minutes total 10 on cross trainer 10 on bike both at low pace
And physio was producing bucket fills of phlegm

Well in short it's now Thursday

And today the phlegm production is starting to be easier to get off my chest and more importantly the quantity is becoming less

And the pseudo is no longer growing so far as the test results show

I've had my vitamin tests done and tomorrow will know the results a will also being doing lung function to see if I'm improving

Now I may be optimistic but I'm sure everything's improved

Firstly I've been shoving in vitamin supplements life my life depends on it (which in actual fact it sort of does)

Secondly I've put some damn hard work in

Physio I've been doing all the time just trying to move phlegm, get out every drop that I possibly can always trying to feel where it is a cough it up, I've relentlessly done nebulisers trying to aid more phlegm movement
I've just not stopped
But thirdly and most importantly

In the gym I've pushed like no one else is doing here like nothing else matters but to push and get the miles in

Today feels like my finest achievement

I did one solid hour of cardio work non stop and totally pushed

To the point I thought I couldn't even get off the bike not that I let my physio see that

I covered 12 miles in total something I've not managed in a year but in four days of real hurt for me and a new motivation I've pushed to get better

In total I did 30 minutes 3 miles on the cross trainer and 30 minutes 9 miles on the bike

I cannot describe to you all how good it has made me feel how relieved I was to see how hard work and not giving up can make me feel

And I want more

Tomorrow I will push more I want more distance more air in my lungs.

I feel great and even if my lungs have only improved a tiny bit in my tests tomorrow I feel I've pushed a barrier over I've leapt a wall and now I'm going to leap higher

My motivation is high my legs and lungs feel amazing and I'm going to push

Bring on the miles bring on the running shoes bring on the pain

And most importantly I feel I can now push for something I want to accomplish in 2013

BRING ON TOUGH MUDDER

I CAN DO THIS


My so called disability is only just making me want more I feel spurred on like I never have before

Who would have thought a disability could feel like a new ability

I've got another ten days of treatment and I'm going to push whatever I can

GET OUT MY WAY

Thanks for reading

Blog Update, winter plans and generousity

Well as I havent wrote on here for a while I thought id have a write and a rant and my plans for the winter.


I had a hospital check up last week and surprise surprise im still ill and not my best (I knew that would be the case). I think I have found the rot cause for not being able to get better or fend any bugs or illness off.

The doctors explained that the PSuedo and staph is still growing and although the drugs were helping it was not doing as well as thought. I did sort of expect this.

The worrying bit though is about my Vitamins and the fact my levels are only at about 30% of what they should be.

This goes to explaining alot in particular the vital vitamins that control my immune system are dangerously low and I basically have no immune system at the moment hence why the drugs cant perform to their best and why im getting ill so much.

It was decided it was best for me to come into hospital and do a course of iv antibiotics and get some vitamin boosters going to help get my levels back up and then work on a plan to keep them up.
Im also going to trial some nasal sprays as it has become apparent im suffering with severe sinus problems and could be another major contributor to why im som ill so much of the time.

I am hoping that this will actually work this time and I will be spending every moment in the hospital working to improve my health and start pushing my fitness again.

The only problem is I still dont know when i can go into hospital and start ivs as they are totally rammed at the moment. This happens every winter but this year talking to my team they reckon this is the busiest theyve ever been. Good luck to them as I know my team works so hard to help so many out in such a short space of time.

So what are my winter plans?

Quite simple really

Keep doing anti-biotics
Wait for call from hospital
Go into hospital (Hopefully not over xmas)
Work hard on getting better whilst in hospital
Come out feeling healthy and work towards improving myself
Stay healthy over the winter
Keep going to the gym
And finally find a new job (if I get made redundant which looks likely)

Thats really my plans for this winter in simple terms.


I have to say i am struggling extremely especially over the past few days ive noticed that my body just seems to want to do nothing and feels like im shutting down a bit to try and save my health.

I cant seem to sleep despite being totally exhausted
suffering constant headaches
suffering with my chest and cough which is rather painful
being sick physically everyday
struggling with my weight
no energy despite trying to stay fit at the gym
and finally
Feeling low as I still need answer to work out the best way forward for my future to keep my health at a good level.


I have no idea when I can go to hospital for IV treatment but im hoping its soon and not over christmas.

I should also say I have had some amazing news from a friend of mine today

She is doing the boxing day dip this year in deal and has decided to raise money for Cystic Fibrosis

I wont name that person just yet as I havent asked if she would mind me naming her but I want to say a massive thank you to this person, their generosity knows no bounds and im truely grateful for what she is doing as I for one would certainly not even dip a toe in the sea on boxing day let alone go for a swim

I will write a seperate post when I have more information and I ask you all very kindly to donate money if you can.

I know that many of you who read this blog wouldnt even think of going near the sea this time of year so why not support the person doing it and donate even just £1 for someone else to enjoy a lovely boxing day dip

 Thanks for reading